We’re all gonna die! We’re all gonna die!

More people have died trying to swallow bottle caps than from this “pandemic.”

Mat Koehler

According to every scientific expert on the planet, the apocalypse is coming soon. And to my dismay, the cause isn’t something cool like an alien invasion or a nearby black hole. We’re all gonna die because of some flu strain found in our feathered friends.

And no, I don’t mean our down-stuffed pillows. I’m referring to birds! Birds are to blame for the coming downfall of humanity, and all because they caught some wicked variety of the common flu.

Symptoms of this ravaging killer are the same as the common flu, only you die. Scary, huh?

“But Mat,” you’re probably wondering aloud, “should I really believe all the media hype?”

Well, readers, it doesn’t matter whether you believe the hype Ö you’re going to die from avian influenza either way.

Even our Thanksgiving turkeys risk transmitting deadly pathogens, according to a recent Newsweek article, and an ABC news report explains that bird flu rivals a thermonuclear war in its swift ability to kill.

So swift, a Reuters article explains, that “the H5N1 avian flu has infected 122 people and killed 62 in four countries – Indonesia, Vietnam, Thailand and Cambodia.”

Hmm Ö that can’t be right. These figures purport that only 62 of the 6 1/2 billion people on earth have died from bird flu. Those totals are correct and up to date, you say? Come on, I thought this thing was a horrific plague, killing all in its path and spreading faster than Paris Hilton’s legs on a first date.

The regular, bird-free influenza kills more people than this in a single day. Actually, about a hundred times more people, and that’s just in the United States.

Well, crap. The menacing holocaust promised to us by the media is looking pretty weak. Our government just pledged billions of dollars to bird flu prevention – yet more people have died trying to swallow bottle caps than from this puffed-up “pandemic.”

Still, it’s possible a worldwide disaster is imminent – there just hasn’t been a big outbreak yet. It’s the same principle as the Ebola outbreak the United States was expecting during the late 1970s. Oh wait – that never did get outside African jungles, and now, 30 years later, the virus is found only in shallow Congo graves and zombie movies.

I guess all this hype may be for not, but better safe than sorry, right? We’ll just have to live with the media’s exaggerations and scare tactics. At the very least, we should stay away from birds, especially those claiming to have the flu. Also, eat beef this Thanksgiving, keep a radio on at all times and stock up on rubber biohazard suits.

Mat Koehler welcomes comments at [email protected]