Cows and chickens love being food!

Factory farms seem more like religious summer camps than horror houses.

Mat Koehler

With the recent animal-rights debates in this newspaper and on campus, I was shocked and appalled that one important viewpoint was not represented, namely that of the animals. Both Peter Singer’s sweeping philosophies and the farm industry’s misguided justifications have skewed this discussion into a moral pingpong match, so I believe it’s time for the facts.

The consensus around the animal kingdom is that animals love being our food. My official farm informants tell me cows, chickens, pigs, fish and all other meat sources (bottle-nosed dolphin is a favorite delicacy of mine) best enjoy their time on earth being used as products. Animals don’t need to worry about the meaning of life or examine ethics like us humans do; they are happy just to end up on someone’s dinner plate. The meaning of life is, in fact, very straightforward for our nonhuman friends.

One common misconception is that chickens loathe their experience in battery cages. However, the hens I’ve talked to actually think of the cages as cozy dorm buildings. If they’re anything like our school’s residence halls, chicken coops should have some more restrictions! Eat, sleep, eat, sleep – come on, that’s like heaven!

It’s pretty obvious livestock are content being fattened up and killed. Have you ever seen them protest? Neither have I. They love providing for us humans; they sacrifice themselves out of respect for our intelligence and appetites. Cows, especially, have big, generous hearts. I should know – I ate one!

It shouldn’t matter how we house or care for pre-execution animals. All their goals are the same, no matter the conditions. Pigs want to eat slop and make delicious bacon someday. Deer want to be chased around before getting shot and turned into jerky. Stray cats can’t wait to be rounded up and locked in my closet.

Ah, well – you know what I mean.

The food chain exists for a reason, and every link knows not to mess with the plan of Mother Nature. Heck, even endangered species are all right with the thought of becoming extinct. As long as they’ve contributed to the well-being of mankind, animals can die happy – even if it means being slaughtered on a conveyor belt. I’m sure they show a little satisfied grin right before they meet their maker.

Therefore, I say let the so-called “victims” defend themselves in this matter of animal rights. You’d be surprised at how truly dignified and laid-back these future butcher’s-piñatas can be. Are they fully aware of their purpose? Yes, of course. Are they intelligent? They have to be to go along with their destiny with such a cool demeanor. Are animals loving? Try some tender Black Angus steak and tell me that’s not love.

I hope this debate can come to an end soon. When you understand the animal perspective, factory farms seem more like religious summer camps than horror houses. Likewise, fish nets act as the welcoming hand of God and slaughterhouses are petty final rites of passage. So cut the hype – this is all a nonissue.

Now if would you excuse me, I need to suppress all that meowing in my closet.

Mat Koehler welcomes comments at [email protected]