The secret world of Hot Camp

The girls are bused to our campus, where they resume classes and act like they’ve been here the whole time.

by Mat Koehler

When the weather starts warming up in spring, as it is now, I am always amazed at how rapidly nature changes. The grass turns green overnight, the birds start singing like they have a one-time audition for “American Idol,” and, of course, a giant migration of beautiful, scantily clad women floods our campus.

My freshman year I thought this phenomenon could be explained by an ongoing hot-girl-only convention held in Minneapolis. However, the more I thought about this theory, the sillier it seemed. Why would they be wandering around all the time, and why would this convention last almost six months?

Later, I learned the truth from some of my dormitory elders. It turns out there is a completely rational explanation for the appearance of good-lookin’ gals in late spring: They spend the other portion of the year attending a mysterious “Hot Camp” where they are pampered with makeovers and fed gene-enhancing food. Then the girls are bused to our campus, where they resume classes and act like they’ve been here the whole time.

As concrete as this enlightenment was for me at the time, I still had questions. For instance, can I visit Hot Camp? How are the girls excused from classes at the University? Who pays for all this? Do the girls ever have massive pillow fights in their underwear?

(Actually, I’m just going to assume this happens, true or not.)

Anyway, every year, Hot Campers return to University grounds without as little as a local news buzz or press release to accompany their awe-inspiring incursion of beauty. The lack of fanfare is alarming; I don’t even think anybody knows where the fleet of Hot Camp buses drops off the ladies. You can be sure if I knew, I’d be camped out there for days.

My theory is that the camp buses are actually Campus Connectors, so they go unnoticed. But does this mean the University is sponsoring the transportation to and from Hot Camp? Heck, is the University sponsoring all of Hot Camp?

This would explain some of the missing funds tallied up last year. It would definitely be in the University’s best interest to host a Hot Camp. Imagine the recruitment benefits – most prospective students are touring campus around this time of year. Jeez, why do you think I decided to go to school here? It wasn’t the flowers on the mall area.

My conspiracy theory could stretch as far as to explain the low quality and depressing nature of UDS food. The camp gets the delicious, chromosome-enhancing cuisine while the rest of us are stuck with fat fries and acne patties.

So please, President Bob Bruininks, I urge you to come clean about Hot Camp.

We need to employ some serious investigation into the secret world of Hot Camp. I suggest the University let me tour the facilities all next year, you know, just to see if everything’s legit.

Mat Koehler welcomes comments at [email protected]