And he’s rounding second …
So it is, Networkians. We’re halfway home.
News from the front: Citizen tells us that over the weekend, the location of the Commodore 64 was discovered — but left undisturbed — by an unidentified group or individual. While the hallowed hope for King T’s demise has been relocated to a more secure position, the question remains: was it friend or foe who tread sacrosanct ground with impunity?
WORSE THAN ERM
From Your fat alcoholic father: Dearest Network, I’m writing you with a question about human behavior. Here’s the story: I’m sitting in the Anderson Hall Computer Lab and this guy across the desk from me keeps making this really irritating throaty, bassy kind of “GMMMP” noise. Net: Billy Bob Thornton? He’s listening to headphones so he’s clearly doing it to music, but he has no sense of rhythm. Net: Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer. Every few seconds he’ll start up and “gmmmp” about ten times (let me repeat, with no rhythm) and then stop. Here’s the question: WHAT THE HELL?!? Net: Jabba the Hut. Does this guy not realize that everyone in the lab can hear him? I’m afraid to ask him to stop; what if it’s biological? What if this moron has to “gmmmp” constantly just to keep from dying? Net: Cookie Monster. So, if you’re reading, I ask you, the weirdo sitting at PC13 in Anderson Hall Computer Lab at 6:30 p.m. on Tuesday, why must you “gmmmp”? Net: Monica Seles. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHY DON’T YOU STOP?????? Thanks Net, I feel better already. Now if we could only do something about all the other weirdos in these labs …
TAKING SIDES, PART III
From Queen Reason: I, Queen Reason (unwilling co-consort of King T by marriage of convenience), take this most convenient opportunity to publicly ally myself with my husband’s cause. Net: Stand by your man … When my parents (their majesties Patience and Enlightenment) first bound me to the barbaric Prince Terror, I admit that I took offense at their intervention. Net: Ol’ T isn’t known for his dashing looks; he is, however, a helluva Cajun cook. However, now I see the motives behind this apparent betrayal of their only child — they were hoping that the gentle voice of Reason might steal upon the University students all unaware. However, my parents’ ignorance of just how unreasonable the average student is has led them into grievous error. As I have watched CLA and IT students call for war on CSOM, it came to me that it is in these two colleges that the most dangerous enemies of Reason can be found. In response I cry, “A plague on both your houses!” (Or all three, since IT men and women are hopelessly divided right now). It is only in CSOM that any semblance of Reason can be found, and it is from there I will stage my battle, and watch NITWIT and all of its unreasonable sheep flounder and fail. Your days are numbered, Network. Use them wisely … Net: Now do you people see what we’re up against? Reason — as if she were the last one she thought we’d betray …
From Disco Fox: Most great and honored Network, this is the Disco Fox once again. Net: It’s about time. The impending doom has brought me to the point where I publicly acknowledge that I am in the ranks alongside NITWIT and all the rest to stand against the Obsequian forces of King T. In addition, I have my specially trained forces who are ready to protect us if King T attacks from the waters. I originally had them ready for defending us against the TRUE New World Order forces poised to attack at 12:01 a.m. New Year’s Day (in each time zone) as the computers crash. Net: That would suck, too. But, we cannot reach that point if King T wins first. Also, I will confirm that some of the Obsequians have infiltrated the West Bank and CSOM. By cleverly choosing a minor that brings me there regularly, I have overheard their plans, and even been approached in recruitment plans because of my blue (non-A&F) jacket. Be warned and be wary. Net: A formidable force is yours, Disco. The security of the river banks is paramount. Onward.
From The Man in Black: To the supreme benevolent being called Network: I have been watching the alignment of the planets and have a warning for all to heed: the beginning of the end is at hand. Net: Well somebody tell Ted Koppel! Does anyone think that the computer viruses Melissa, Happy 99 and now the most dangerous of all, Chernobyl, are merely random acts of malice? King T is behind it all. Soon he will come in one of the pre-chosen forms. During the rectification of the Voldrani, he came as a mighty Torg! Then, in the third reconciliation of the last of the Mekketric supplicants, he came as a giant Sloar! Many Shuuvs and Zuuls knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of the Sloar in that day I can tell you. Our only hope is that the chosen one is at her Commodore 64 in time. Beware.
POSTER BOY — ERM — GIRL
From Star of the Morning: The sanctity of my home was violated overnight. This morning I opened the door to my apartment to find a large poster taped to its outer side. On the poster was a cartoon drawing of what appeared to be a garish dancing troll, who sported a small crown that proclaimed him to be “Lord Trumpkin.” He danced a little jig below this message, written in bold letters: “You can’t stop the DLF.” What’s going on?? Net: Are you sure that wasn’t a poster of, erm, Paul Wellstone, with the caption reading, “You can’t stop the DFL?”
