LATELOSER
From C.C.: Okay Network, I know the contest is over for the Slapnuts of the Year, but this is who should have won: the people that live in the Jesus house on 10th avenue, or should I call them crazy psychos instead? Date: Sounds like you’re rushing to judgement, my friend. Maybe you should put yourself in their shoes and ask, “Would I want to be nominated for Slapnuts of the Year?” Of course you would. Of course. Continue. These crazy idiots with obviously no brains or morals had decided to stock up on gas; the firemen said they had more gas piled up in a shed connected to their basement than the Amoco station down the block. Date:Sometimes preparation for cataclysmic events isn’t a bad thing. Although I do question their choice of items to stockpile. I would have recommended 3-D porn and sex toys, but that’s just me. The catch is that it was enough where it could have blown up the entire block and then some. The gas was leaking down the hill in their yard, and something as small as an ash from a cigarette could have let it off. Date:We’re pretty sure you meant “light” it off, but that’s OK, we won’t make fun of you like that bastard Network. I hate him like that freak who wrote in about masturbating all the time. Though, that really doesn’t narrow it down much, I suppose. My guess is that they are either in some kind of a cult that was ready to plan a mass suicide and take the whole block with them, or the idiots thought they had to prepare for Y2K. Date:Sounds like you’re still pretty quick to rush to judgement, there, friend. Maybe you should take some time to go back into the woods, maybe watch a little 3-D porn, and just let nature happen. That’s what I’d do.
Whatever the reason, I do not think the Lord would be too pleased if they took a whole street block of innocent people’s lives because of pure stupidity. Date:Nor would he be real pleased to hear one of his children condemning others for perceived sins, when in fact, they’ve done nothing wrong. Considering that these are probably the most incredibly stupid people that exist on campus, they should have received the Slapnuts of the Year award. Date:I had a problem with that award from the start. It’s just not very friendly. I wish I could have nominated these inhumane fools earlier, but it only happened just last Friday. Date:Too late, slapnut. Better nuck lext year.
RERUN
From THO Patro: After a weekend filled with multiple frat parties, bars, more alcohol consumption than we care to recount, not to mention the somewhat “nipply” weather, we need all of the male Networkians out there to answer the age old question of…Nipples or Band aids? Date:Finally, a question I’m qualified to answer. Why do you ask which is better to attract men?Explain, friend.
What are we girls to do when faced with the task of wearing pleather, backless, tube top/halter top concoctions that have become so rampant across our beautiful campus? These damn “shirts” have crossed racial, social, and economic boundaries, infiltrating our society as a whole. Date:I personally can’t say I have any problem with sexy shirts. Is the reason you object that you’re not attractive? Don’t think we haven’t considered the ever so versatile Body by Victoria. It just doesn’t work. The bra made of masking tape is also not an option because it makes our 10.5 (on a scale of 1 to 10) boobs look like lumpy Chia pets on a roller coaster. Date:That’s a thought I don’t want to think about. It sounds like you have issues beyond anything I can help you with. So fellas, what should we do… Will a Band Aid get us LAID… or will a NIP OUT make you shout, you horny bastards! Date:I still fail to see your question. Maybe it’s true; people who read Network are stupid.
WELIKEROLLA
From Rolladipshit (A guy): While Ido have more sex than anyone at this campus, and all women swoon in my presence. Date:Often times in intimate sitations men tend to show off or be pig-headed. I find it more effective to be honest and open with your parnter rather than boast your sexual conquests
I find myself obsessed with with girls on campus wearing shoes. It doesn’t even matter if they are hot, if they’re wearing shoes Ican’t help myself. Date:Keep in mind my, friend, that every woman is beautiful in her own way. Try to look past the shoes to see the inner soul. I’m even missing classes lately because I follow girls wearing shoes around. I can’t get over how cute their little toes look bunched up in sandals, or how their ankles curve down to their pretty white Nikes. Date: Idid some research on the internet, and found that shoe fetishes are very uncommon. You truly are a world-class tool. Screw my finals, I need to get some girl shoes badder than Woogie in Something About Mary.Shouldn’t be too hard since I’m God’s gift to all you Golden Gopher women out there. And to that hottie in Biology 1009 lab I’ll have you riding me like the Wild Thing at ValleyFair, only the ride only the ride will be two, maybe even three times as long. You know you want it! Date:I am worried about you. It is wrong for you to put on the fascade of a long term prospect when in reality you just want to “hit it” and “quit it.”