Net: There are many events that stand out in human history: the fall of Rome, the discovery of America, and the FIRST ANNUAL 2000 NETWORK SUPER CRAZY HAPPY FUN CONTEST!
What can you win? A chance for you to match wits with the finest E-mail writers in the entire University Á a chance for you to ACTUALLY WRITE NETWORK! Here’s the deal:
Somewhere on campus (No, not over in St. Paul) is hidden an object that says “2000 NETWORK SUPER CRAZY HAPPY FUN CONTEST” on it. All next week we will provide clues (At the predictable rate of one per day) to the object’s location. Find the object and E-mail us the other SUPER SECRET CODE WORDS written on it and you win! We highly suggest you skip class and quit your jobs, for the search is guaranteed to be long and dangerous. ARE YOU UP TO THE CHALLENGE?
From Dyervann: The NCAA’s recent act of stripping the men’s basketball team Net: *Gasp* of its Final Four and Big Ten championship banners from the rafters of Williams Arena raised an important question in my mind: What did they do with the banners? Net: Extra bedding in Eastcliff? If Yudof is still undecided about what to do with them, here are some suggestions:
1. The obvious choice, sell them. Net: E-bay! Recoup some of that Clem Haskins money by auctioning them off. I bet Pryzbilla would pay a buttload of money for them. Net: Yeah, we’re sure he’s rolling in cash Á
2. Hang them in Mariucci. Net: Just put the word ‘hockey’ over ‘basketball’ The NCAA just made us take them down from Williams, RIGHT? Why don’t we stick it to the man and circumvent the NCAA by just hanging them across the street. Maybe the hockey team can give Williams a couple banners to make it even.
3. Give them to me. I would love nothing more than to have sex on top of that Final Four banner.
If Networkia has any other suggestions, send them in! Finally, a haiku:
Bastard registrar
Schedules stats at one o’ clock
Makes me miss Passions
From Mephistofalafeles: You know what really gets my goat? Net: Your mom? Ifyouknowwhatwe’resayin’ All right then, I’ll tell you. People who use invented spellings in their e-mails, e.g., “B4 I go …” & other noisome Princian eyesores. I wish to commend Network Net: thx for not printing entries written in that preening style. Net: We spend countless hours editing them out Your prize is the following anecdote: I am writing a paper on Anarchist Ethics, Net: u r? & I went to the library to, you know, hang out, & I discovered that many (approximately 35% Net: Of students don’t binge drink more than four times a week? Or was that 65%? according to my research) of the institution’s books about anarchy were identified as “missing,” which I understood to mean “stolen.” The moral of the story is, of course: “You can’t reach into in — your arms are too long!” Get with the 35% nation.
From MOBY’s Tummy Double: Through the deluge of drivelous anti-IT letters and the Triptophan Net: Mmmm Á aminolicious induced tirades of poop, I decided to submit an entry of substance. After a period of contemplation I discovered two things.
1. NET does not print letters of substance.
2. I have very little substance to submit.
So, I rode the Web, as though it was a goat on crack, and discovered that our very own Daily has sparked a nationwide trend. Net: Hiring only attractive reporters? EVERY other student paper now has a “NET” and rambles in a “Backtalk” section. I felt it was necessary to share some of their wisdom.
UW MADISON: “Duh Net: Wow, they spelled ‘duh’ correctly! … I like beer. I think that Bud Light is less filling.
BUCKYTHEGAYBADGERNET: BUT WHAT ABOUT BUD, IT TASTES GREAT.”
YALE: Well, my daddy takes more bribes then your daddy. YUPPYNET: SO DOES YOUR MOM, AND THEN SHE FOLDS THEM INTO PAPER CRANES WITHOUT USING HER HANDS.”
INDIANA: “I’m afraid I am going to fail my finals. BOBBYKNIGHTNET: GET AN ‘A’ OR I’LL THROW A CHAIR AT YOU.”
HOLLYWOOD UPSTAIRS MEDICAL COLLEGE: “What happens if I hold my poop for a long time? Will I explode? DR.NICKNET: HI EVERYBODY, POOPING CAN BE FUN, BUT CAN BE VERY DANGEROUS …” Net: Although we may joke about it from time to time, this really is an important topic that we should all discuss with our loved ones Á
So, if you were going to complain about our NET, remember, It could be worse. Thanks for readin’. If you see me driving my fly car (Jaguar XJS Straight out of Cruel Intentions), Net: Mmmm Á Sarah Michelle Gellericious Á acres and acres of Ryan Phillippe goodness and want to get a ride, just read the license plates and you will know what to do. MN-SHWUTITS.
From Mr. Flash: Yar, Net! I haven’t written in for a while so I figured I’d write in so I could relay a few messages to groups of people that bother me. Net: That’s what we’re all about! A much more interesting thing to do other than rip on the IT folk like Abbey Someone, who was obviously picked on as a child (if not still). It’s not your fault Abbey, just get help. You need it.
1) People who still wear their high school letter jackets — buy a new damn jacket! Nobody cares that you were in the marching band Net: Band people do it louder or on the cross country team. Net: Cross-country people do it longer It’s not our fault that you were stupid enough to pay $200+ for that jacket.
2) People who ride those stupid mini-scooter thingies that fold up Net: And they’re so compact! Just like carrying a stepladder to class — HA! Now it’s snowy outside. What’re you gonna do now? Net: What do you mean? Scooters are perfect for off-road winter excitement Á By the time it’s spring those things are going to be LAME (to you guys, they’re already lame to us)
3) People who don’t know how to walk — Learn how to NUTing walk, damnit! I’m going to plow your ass over next time you cross my path.
All right, I can’t think of anything else. Before I go, there’s two things I want to take care of: 1) The obligatory Net praise – NET RULES!!! and 2) Shoutouts! AD, DR, MD, RV, JM, Net: JM is a ho BB, BP, RO, Net: RO is sleeping with your significant other TK, and DU you guys are cool. DM, find something better to do than rollerblade at 2 a.m. Peace out.
