From Obi: Well, Net, I’m finally back from my long hiatus. Of course, what should happen when I get back? Net: Umm … we should be reminded that you were gone in the first place? A most grievous sin has been committed against me! It happened while speaking with a friend and her lady friends at one of the dorms (I will not say which so as not to give away my secret location). The sin to which I am referring to is the misuse of my name. Net: Kobe Bryant is some kinda bastard, eh? You see, despite giving them my “real life” moniker, Net: Translation: “Numb Nuts” one inquisitive young lady asked if I had a nickname. To this I replied, “Yes, it’s Obi.” This caused a cascade of laughter and red faces the likes of which I have never seen! Net: Perhaps if you hadn’t been wearing that “Keyes 2000” shirt at the time … OK, so maybe I exaggerate a little. The reason for such a response? They had mistaken my name, Obi, as being the feminine hygiene product with a similar sounding name, “O.B.” Net: A fine feminine product if ever there was one. Oh, wait … umm … never mind. As you might have guessed, I was most thoroughly disheartened by this connection. Oh, Net, whatever shall I do? Net: Try using one … something tells us “disheartened” will seem like paradise. I have endured much in my time here at the University, but this, this is unforgivable. If you need me, Net: uh-huh I will be back on my desert planet living out the remainder of my life as a hermit. Net: Bye, now. Well, at least until some young punk kid comes along to give me my droid back. Net: Oh, sorry … were you still babbling?
From Loretta: I am supposed to be at work right now, but this is just so big that I have to pass it on. Net: What have you got, a kidney stone? I finished reading Dr. Date’s column where the letter writer claimed that the average person can only figure out two of the clues to the crossword puzzle. Net: That same letter writer called us a “ridiculous half-page of nonsense,” so you must take associated comments with a grain of salt. And a shot of tequila. And a squeeze of lime. I figure that, on average, there are about 120 clues to the entire puzzle. I’ll be generous and say that I usually miss about 20 of them. This means that I can figure out roughly 50 TIMES as many clues as the average person, which translates to 50 TIMES the intelligence of the average person. Net: With your demonstrated capacity to perform high-level math and make it look easy, we can do nothing other than put down our Cliffs Notes and give you the applause you so richly deserve. Needless to say, I was a bit overwhelmed to find out that I might be the smartest human ever. And just to be scientifically accurate, I double-checked the figures using standardized online IQ tests. Net: Our favorite is the one on mulletsgalore.com. The first page I tried froze up when I tried to enter the first answer, presumably under the immense burden of my knowledge. Slowly, however, the results trickled in and, unanimously (I really like adverbs), Net: Lolly, Lolly, Lolly, get your adverbs here! I was hailed by automated result tabulators as an “obscenely intelligent individual”. My next step was to send a letter to MENSA Net: Making Extraordinary Nerds Socially Acceptable demanding inclusion to their silly little club. I can’t wait to turn that place on its ear! This realization has its consequences, though. Net: If you feel like your head is about to explode, do us all a favor and put a Hefty bag over it first. For instance, I now feel angry and cheated that everyone whom I meet in even the mildest social interactions, e.g. the Campus Connector, is basking in MY glow. Dammit, people, get your own brain! Net: Now on sale at mulletsgalore.com! You are like moths buzzing around a lamplight and, much like moths, I hate you all. Net: Why would moths hate us? Does anyone have any idea what it is like to be THIS smart? Well, DO YOU?!? NO! because you are all a bunch of f&@king idiots! OK, that was laying it on a little thick, but it felt good to get it off my chest. If it makes you guys feel any better, I will say that I am not perfect. Net: Oh, thank heavens. We can now remove this noose from around our throat … I really am just another pencil-neck who will run away should anyone come after me. But I will yell insults, some of them exceedingly nasty, as I run. Oh, Net, what should I do — do you have some advice for a mental juggernaut such as myself? Net: Call up ABC, get on “Millionaire” and find out for us where Regis gets his ties.
From Enough is Enough: ENTRY STARTS HERE: Net: The question is, where’s here? I just thought I would write in immediately and beat the idiots to the punch. Net: Beware: It’s spiked. I am talking about the Rooster ad in the Daily on Thursday. In the past, there was inevitably an entry reading something like this: Waa waa, the University Net: which has absolutely no say whatsoever into what goes into the paper. If it did, do you think you’d be reading this? should not be advertising tobacco, waa waa, the Playboy models would not want to talk to some guy with chew and cancer in his mouth, waa waa. Boycott chew and boycott Playboy, waa waa. The University Net: you’re giving us a headache should not promote objectification of women like Playboy does, waa fricking waa. So to all the people who would write in on this topic and the rest of the stale topics (i.e. locker rooms, boring cartoons, stupid or smart basketball players, or whatever else) shut the f&@k up and bring in some intelligent topics. Net: Hear, hear. We’ll begin with a dissertation on macroeconomic theory, highlighted by a riveting discussion on Alan Greenspan’s control of the Federal Reserve. Then we shall move on to the wicked buzz that results when you mix strawberry Boone’s and Sauza Commemorativo. (That good enough for ya, Einstein?) I will start one now, how about explaining the fluctuations of climate we are experiencing now. Net: There’s nothing to get the ol’ mental juices flowing like a hearty discussion about the weather. Let’s hear the both sides — for and against global warming theory. Or, nature vs. nurture in humans. Net: Or, we could stab ourselves in the temple with a shrimp fork. Or which is the better way to hang the toilet paper, over or under. It does not matter, just bring in some other topics. Net: Backfence just called. It’s looking for a readership, and we think you might be the one. Run along, now!