Net: A note to rea…

Net: A note to readers — today’s net is being guest-edited by NITWIT correspondent Lush Rimbaud, the world’s sickliest arch-conservative problem drinker. We’re sure you’ll enjoy Lush’s fresh perspectives on politics and student life. Have a great day — and ACHTUNG!!!

From The Sigma Alpha Epsilon Fraternity, Minnesota chapter: I would like to take the time to let you know how much I enjoy reading your Network section in the Daily. Net: Well, uh, thanks. We try to give good comments while defending the American family from secret agendas and conspiracies. Take those boy scouts, for example … But Subject three on Wednesday troubled me. I would like to ask you how you can state that fraternity men are stupid and inbred? Net: Well, as you know, Charles Murray showed convincingly in “The Bell Curve” that genetics are everything. And remember, we’re just filling in. In fact, 85 percent of Fortune 500 executives are Greek Net: We thought they were all White Anglo-Saxon Protestants. We’ll get the Heritage Foundation to look into it, and since the expansion of fraternities in 1825 Net: Ah-ha! Bomb plots. Must be our friends in Operation Rescue, all but three U.S. presidents have been Greek. Net: Impossible. Dukakis was never elected. And the fact that of the nation’s 50 largest corporations, 43 are headed by Greeks. Net: We’ve got to do something about this. It is also an established fact that fraternity men graduate at a 21 percent higher rate than students who are not in a fraternity. Net: Speaking of 21? Are you looking to make it in our nation’s capital? If so, then we’ve got a White House internship for you! Finally, 71 percent of all those listed in “Who’s Who in America” belong to a fraternity. Net: See? You need a special book to tell them apart. That’s okay, though — we love conformity.
As for fraternities at the University of Minnesota, they participate in more philanthropic activities than there are organizations at the U. Net: We love free beer, also. One example, Sigma Alpha Epsilon’s “Jail and Bail,” which happens to be the largest philanthropy on campus, has for the last three years raised more than $25,000 for the Minnesota Special Olympics. Net: We don’t like entitlements!
Publish these facts once in a while. I ask you to check out the facts about fraternity life before you go and publish these nonsensical rantings. Net: Fine Americans, those fraternity brothers.
Have a nice day. Net: We will. And, in all seriousness, thank you for your thoughtful, informative letter. Remember — we’re all here to have more fun than Gennifer Flowers in an executive office. So please take our harsh brand of humor in stride and take us to task when you see it fit (where’s Kenneth Starr when you need him?).

From That Guy: I was thinking about all those lowly conformists who wear yellow A&F jackets and I started to notice that it doesn’t end there! Net: You’re right. It’s a little-known fact that Vincent Foster was murdered for his A&F jacket. It leads all the way to the White House. Have you noticed how many people are wearing those blue denim pants? Net: Yes we are, and they’re fine Americans. I mean, Jeez! They’re everywhere. Net: But do you notice they’re never in the White House? Our president apparently can’t keep his pants on.
Then I was in the locker room at the Rec center and I couldn’t help but notice how many men were wearing the same underwear! Net: Whaddaya think you’re doing, looking at men’s briefs? Haven’t you heard of don’t ask, don’t tell? These white cotton shorts with some kind of penis-access panel. Net: Penis-access panel? We’ve never heard of it — maybe we should appoint one. I asked a few people how they worked but didn’t get much for answers. Net: They’re probably all on welfare. After I was escorted out, I got to thinking, that little access panel would save time by not having to strip naked to urinate. Net: Most people would find that excessive.
How many pairs of white, cashmere pants would I not have ruined if I had a little penis access panel in my underwear? For that matter, if I had some of those blue denim pants, I wouldn’t have to dry-clean my wardrobe three times a week. In fact, I could probably wear them four or five times without having to wash them (provided I got that special underwear first). Net: Remember — our president prefers briefs to boxers; he said so on TV. You’re on the primrose path to Paula, pal.
And I got to thinking, maybe all conformity isn’t so bad after all. Maybe some things are so very common because they are a good idea. Net: Like school vouchers. Yeah — school vouchers. Maybe I’ve been a little self-righteous in condemning everybody in a yellow A&F jacket. Net: But to the righteous belong the world — Falwell 6:66. Maybe I should try talking to one of them. And then I thought: No, I’ve been magnanimous enough. Let the bastards talk to each other. Net: Exactly. Now you understand what Rush Limbaugh’s program is all about. Fine American, that Limbaugh …
From Triggy: Wow! This Friday “SpiceWorld” opens! Net: We’re excited too. Fine Americans, those Spice girls — wait, they’re British. Never mind. I just can’t believe how excited I am about it. Seeing Baby Spice and Nasty Spice up on the big screen is going to be such a thrill. Net: Not as much of a thrill as it is to access them on your computer for only $1.99 a minute. Long live freedom! I’m going to zig-a-zig right down to the theatre Friday night with all the other fans of the Spice Girls. I better get there early, though. It might sell out. Don’t you think? Net: It would be appropriate, for such fine examples of capitalist moxie as the Spice Girls. We’re sure that someday they will find nice men, settle down, and raise fine families. They already have excellent clothing taste.
And remember, fellow Netheads, that you can’t believe everything you read, hear or even say. Enjoy your weekends — and spice up your lives. This is Lush Rimbaud, signing off.