Like a January Christmas

The best part about today is knowing how much pain liberals are in.

I’m so excited, I could hug a tree.

I’m not talking Pointer Sisters, “I just can’t hide it,” excited. I’m talking like Ron-Jeremy-at-the-Playboy-mansion excited.

Today was supposed to be the much anticipated end to a Republican tyranny, the day we crowned Michael Newdow emperor and stacked the court system with batty judges who would make the 9th Circuit Court look like a panel of town hall columnists.

Today was the day Democrats marked on their calendars with smiley faces and drawings of scotch bottles and interns. Today was it. Today was going to be the real McCoy.

But today turned out to be the hot, summer day the pool was broken. For my more leftward audience, today was the day your hash ran out.

As liberals cross Acheron, conservatives are jollily strapping up the reindeer to treat Americans to their own salaries and put a lump of coal in the United Nations’ oil-for-food stocking. Republicans are raring to implement an ambitious domestic agenda, work with a new, somewhat less insane Palestinian Authority president on the Middle East peace process, and teach Iran – peacefully – that you can only go so long snubbing your nose at the world when a conservative is in office.

At home, Republicans intend to put youngsters in control of some of their Social Security dollars, end frivolous medical malpractice lawsuits and tear out approximately 98 percent of the pages from our “War and Peace”-size tax code. Somewhat less realistically, some of us are even hoping that we can loosen the rope that whimpering, atheistic judges have tied around God’s neck.

Sometimes, you can’t help but wonder what liberals are really so petrified of. Adding personal accounts to Social Security, says the Social Security Administration, will actually reduce the costs of repairing the system in the long run. Stopping sniveling crybabies from suing doctors for $80 trillion reduces health-care costs for everyone. Tax-free savings accounts, health savings accounts and expanded retirement savings accounts let Americans author their own future.

Truly, only communists, complete schmucks and feckless, parasitical trial lawyers could oppose President George W. Bush’s relatively moderate second-term agenda. Are liberals planning on crying foul when the president overhauls section 848 of the income tax code on the capitalization of certain policy acquisition expenses? Do liberals know what “capitalization” is? Are liberals conscious?

The only two things the left should really be afraid of are changes to the Supreme Court and the possibility of God re-entering the public sphere. Yes, it’s true – conservatives are looking forward to the opportunity of overruling Roe v. Wade. On the first chance we get, actually. And no, we don’t care if you move to Canada.

Already, liberals are running in circles about the possibility of Bush electing a Supreme Court justice or two. Sen. Harry Reid, D-Nev., evidently jealous of the media attention given to the Madison, Wis., radio host who called Colin Powell an “Uncle Tom” and Condoleezza Rice an “Aunt Jemima,” introduced himself as Senate minority leader by calling Justice Clarence Thomas “an embarrassment to the Supreme Court” and calling Thomas’ rulings poorly written. In contrast, Reid called Justice Antonin Scalia “one smart guy.”

Sen. John Kerry, D-Mass., who doesn’t believe in litmus tests but believes in an abortion litmus test, declared during his campaign run that he would filibuster “any Supreme Court nominee who would turn back the clock on a woman’s right to choose.” You know where Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton, D-N.Y., stands. Even Sen. Joe Lieberman, D-Conn., suggested that he would join a filibuster if the nominee opposed “abortion rights,” which means, of course, whether women can choose if they take responsibility for their sex lives.

If you took the pulse of a Democrat today, you’d need an Institute of Technology student to do the calculation for you. With CBS imploding, Tim Roemer spinning more heads than Louis Farrakhan, and Sen. Edward Kennedy, D-Mass., prattling off something about Social Security cuts that won’t happen until, like, the Bush twins are in office, liberals are out making caricatures of themselves in the Minnesota cold with “Bush stole 2004” signs and “Chomsky in 2008” lapel pins.

Conservatives couldn’t draw a prettier picture. It’s like Christmas in January.

Darren Bernard welcomes comments at [email protected]