Pulitzer Prize reclaimed after evidence links Dohrmann to scandal!

Amy Fisher

Pulitzer Prize committee members announced Sunday they are taking away George Dohrmann’s Pulitzer as a result of fraudulent behavior.
Dohrmann, who won the Pulitzer for his coverage of the University’s men’s basketball scandal, admitted he actually wrote the 400 papers and assignments for men’s basketball players between 1993 to 1998.
“I felt like a mom to those kids. Yes, I knew what I was doing was wrong,” Dohrmann said. “But I had support for that, so I didn’t consider it a major hindrance to what I was doing. Oh, and don’t trip over my Pulitzer on your way out.”
The announcement came after an independent University investigation found Dohrmann, not Jan Gangelhoff, aided athletes with schoolwork.
“I was dumbfounded,” said University President Mark Yudof. “I guess now I can release Gangelhoff from the basement at Eastcliff. What are Dohrmann’s plans for tonight?”
University General Counsel Mark Rotenberg said no legal action would be taken.
“Actually, we are just going to publicly lynch Dohrmann in the middle of Northrop Mall,” he explained. “Oh, and by the way, the Pulitzer committee will be grilling hot dogs and burgers while Dohrmann is hung by his little neck.”
Former Gophers men’s basketball coach Clem Haskins knew about the academic misconduct, according to the report. Dohrmann and Haskins conspired, and the whole scandal transcended from there.
“It all works out,” Haskins said through his attorney. “I got $1.5 million in the buyout and Dohrmann got his Pulitzer for the scandal we created. We both came out with the goods.”
Haskins and former academic counselor Alonzo Newby cheered Dohrmann on from the sidelines as he wrote the papers.
It was thought that St. Paul Pioneer Press editor Walker Lundy had no knowledge of Dohrmann’s scandalous behavior, but the University has evidence Lundy did, in fact, know all along.
“Who cares if the story was inaccurate? We got a Pulitzer out of it!” Lundy said. “I bet those reporters from the Star Tribune were behind this investigation. They’re just crying because we finally scooped their asses!”
It was rumored Lundy would lose his job as head of the Pioneer Press, but the newspaper felt bad for him and just re-assigned him to a lower position as a paper boy.
Dohrmann put up quite the fight when committee members came to take his coveted Pulitzer. It took 20 people to tear the prize out of his hands, including Gangelhoff, Yudof, Rotenberg, University Vice President Tonya Moten Brown, and Star Tribune reporters Chris Ison and Paul McEnroe.
“It’s not fair!” Dohrmann wailed while throwing a temper tantrum, kicking and screaming.
Yudof said Dohrmann’s actions have caused the University harm that is beyond repair and blames him for the Legislature’s actions and decisions in regard to the University’s bonding request.
“It’s all his fault the University won’t receive the full $134.3 million we requested,” Yudof said. “Thanks to him, the art students will have to spend two more years in that sh*thole they call an Art Building.”

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