Net: Hello, hello -…

Net: Hello, hello — and happy Elvis Day!!! Today, had he lived, Elvis would have been 63 years old (yes, he and Sonny Bono were born the same year) and undoubtedly raking in the Weight Watchers money Sarah Ferguson is getting instead. Remember the king y’all — as long as oil-on-velvet painting remains popular, he’ll never leave the building.
A note to readers: Until you generate some more interesting discussions, we will persist in printing the Danamania squirrel controversy. We didn’t want to threaten you, but the beginning of winter quarter is always a difficult time to get the ball rolling. So roll them balls! Until then …
SQUIRRELS, PART ##@*&!

From WakeUp: Apparently Network needs letters badly after the quarter break if they even printed Danamania‘s letter Net: Actually, we aren’t that desperate — we’re just really into S&M — but hey, I’m counting on that desperation to get my own letter printed. First of all, Danamania, besides offending me on a multitude of levels Net: And that’s why we printed it — see? Gotcha to write, didn’t we?, I couldn’t help but feel sorry for your mom. Here she is, working her little heart out at the U, researching, looking for cures for stuff Net: Like badly tinted hair coloring and other important advances made by animal testing, and you have to come rag on her this way.
A. She must enjoy her job or she wouldn’t do it. Net: So did SS head Heinrich Himmler. That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t rag on him. B. She probably spent a lot of years at this or another “bureaucratic nightmare of a university” to do her job. C. It’s HER job and HER working here that probably puts your ungrateful ass through college. Net: Not true. We’ve never seen Danamania‘s jump shot.
And don’t talk of sending PETA after her, because PETA wouldn’t go after her. If anything, they would go after the whole University which you are so obviously proud to be a part of. If you want to go politically correct on all of us, why not sob over the hundreds of trees that had to be cut down to print your sorry story. Net: We hope they were from the Little Alfie stand up on Superior National Forest — nothing like aged historical treasures for printing “The Deep End.” I’m so sick of seeing all the Danamaniacs on campus Net: Are they anything like Hulkamaniacs? Because if they are, watch out, ’cause HULKAMANIA’S RUNNING WILD! AAAAARRRRRRRRR!!!! — spoiled little children who don’t appreciate their parents when there are so many people out there who don’t have parents TO appreciate and have to do it all on their own. Net: And until human cloning is perfected, that’s really difficult. Give it (and your mom) a rest.
From The Squirrel Fighter: I bet you thought I was writing in to complain about Ms. Bear bringing the squirrels to campus. Net: Actually, we thought you were going to write about the threat to the Netanyahu government, Mexican intransigence regarding the state of Chiapas or the new endorsement of small arms bans by the International Campaign to Ban Land Mines. But I guess we’ll read about the squirrels instead. Wrong! Actually I think it’s a great idea. That way, rather than hunting them down, we just put armed anti-squirrel spies in place of parking attendants. Then when they come out, the orange tail makes a great target.
Anyway Basked, I’m hitting the slopes with old Bubba today. Gonna play a little football out there. Hey — which local idiot, er, I mean congressman, is this, unless you’re truly deranged — not unlike myself. In that case … uhhh, never mind. Net: Yeah. You’re treading dangerously close to Dr. Date country.
GIVIN’ A WHOOP ABOUT ASS

From Lil D: Has anyone noticed how, between Vincent Hall and the Physics building, it just smells like ass? Net: What degree would you need to be considered an expert on the topic? Every time I walk through there I get this massive headrush Net: NITWIT was the same way the last time he worked security at a Phish show; I get so dizzy and start seeing stars Net: Yeah, and then I have to sit down because I get nauseous. Net: Yeah. Oh wow. Dude, we gotta call Slank42. It’s like, cool. Net: Yeah, man. Wow.

FROM OUR SUGGESTION BOX

From Lil Dude: Why do you earthly beings at the almighty Network not have a car talk section Net: Because none of us have the money for cars, and according to our marketing surveys neither do our readers (although we’re becoming very popular among people named Lil, and that’s a highly desirable demographic), just like Dr. Date, but for your automobiles. Net: If you do one-tenth of the things to your automobile that are described in Dr. Date, we don’t want to know about it. Then again … I bet any local garage/mechanic would, in exchange for positive publicity, give good advice to questions submitted, and there could even be legal advice for car-related things, like how to talk your way out of a speeding ticket or how to get free parking by jamming the meter — and you could spend an entire year chronicling the creatures that inhabit used auto parts places. (If you’re lucky, I will tell you my midget story.) Net: Go ahead. See — that’s the whole point. We in Networkland don’t need highly paid experts. We have each other! Look at our lost-and-found service! Our helpful class tips! If you have a car problem, share — and we will work for a better tomorrow! Let’s go forward with automobiles (unless, of course, they contain squirrels). Oh well, this is only a suggestion as to how you could improve your service of me and is not intended to be printed. Net: You should know better — but all suggestions are welcome. For example, we’re repainting our headquarters right now. Yellow wallpaper and green curtains? Or would a gold-and-orange ensemble be better? Help us. And remember — long live the King.