Net: As Net’s day of birth nears, we pause to revisit one of our favorite topics: Nate Melcher. For those not familiar with his (arguably) crappy little cartoon, you truly are the king of kings. For the rest …
MELCHER BLOWS
From ToadFanNitz: The Toad has returned kickin’ Net: A fresh hip-hop sound, yo? the righteous beats from da south side of Stadium Village for just one entry during this summer session. Net: Bring the flava. I promised myself I wouldn’t waste time on Net over the summer, Net: AHEM?!?!?! Cast out demon spawn! OUT! Or something after I was so disappointed at the change in face behind Network. I figured I’d wait till next school year and hope Net returned to its roots. Net: And put out an unplugged album? Start talking about Che Guevara and the King of Terror? No, no, that was the old Net. We’re the new and less courteous Net. Sh*thead. If y’alls understand. Let me all let you in on what I’m talking about. Stop this damn Melcher-support bullsh*t! Net: Official Net note: We neither support nor deny Melcher. He simply exists. Haven’t you all realized what’s going on? Melcher has disappeared from the Backtalk with Caseous, seemingly a triumph for the whole campus. But the Daily wasn’t about to get rid of the anal retentive anti-smoking little twit. He just got a couple new jobs. Net: Fry cook at McDonald’s.
Look at the Dr. Date section. Net: No, not that! Anything but that! At one time Dr. Date used to have half-credible advice posted in his column. One half-good piece of advice does not a good column make. Then, a couple weeks ago, I see him post a letter from someone, then he goes and tells everyone that “this is a perfect example of someone writing in a complete fictional story.” You f*cking dumbshit, just what if it was true? Anything can happen in this hellhole. Net: IT? CSOM? ZUH? Aside from that, why don’t you post what you consider a real article, then, instead of a fake one, and help someone out like you’re supposed to? Net: We have no idea what he’s talking about.
I’m not even going to say much about the takeover of Network. These drinking comments, etc., by Net are getting old. Net: *Slurp* The Netsters Net: Who of Net: says spring Net: we’re semester Net: any had Net: different a Net: slapnuts? lot more class. Net: Free Puffy!
I think it’s pretty damn obvious that Melcher has taken over both Network and Dr. Date. Net: We think it’s pretty damn obvious that somebody stopped taking their Prozac. That somebody is, of course, Al Gore. So stop all this f*cking Melcher support, grab your pitchforks, and follow da ToadFan in a classic Spanish Inquisitional witch hunt for Melcher! Net: YAR! That’s right, Melcher, your biggest adversary has not left this campus. Backtalk WILL BE RID OF YOU ONCE AND FOR ALL! Net: We’re right behind ya, Toady! Let’s string him up by his entrails ‘n’ stuff.
MELCHER RULES
From Yonko: Oh, most foul and evil Network. Net: Yeeeees? I greeted you with warm, loving (if hesitant) arms, and you return with nothing but suppositions, accusations and lies. Net: Just between you and us, Yonks, if you write in sounding like you’re doing us a favor by writing in, and how you don’t really want to be in Net, you’re probably going to get harassed a tttteeensssy little bit. I expected to be teased, yes. Ridiculed, of course. Maybe even joshed a little for my opinions.
I expected to be called many things, even, juvenilely, a “Melcher Felcher.” Net: Erm, OKbye. But I did not expect this.
Let me clear the air. I know Nate Melcher. He is a friend of mine. Net: We thunk so. But that does not mean my opinion should be suspect. Net: Hmmmm … you’ve got a point. All our friends give totally unbiased reviews of what we do. Sample review: “I never really pick up the Daily,” or “Yeah, uh, Network? What’s that?” Great work. I am, in most cases not dealing with trivial things like grades, a person of integrity. If I believed Nate’s comic sucked, I would say, “Hey, Nate, your comic sucks,” and other such things. But this is not the case. Nate’s comic is good. Net: Good being relative to the rest of the content of the Daily. Especially A&E. What kinda crack have they been smokin’? We want more Ricky Martin! More Ricky Martin!
I enjoy it, and I thought I would tell others of this. There was no Melcher payola, no Melcherius conspiracy. Net: How very Melchetarian I was merely giving “props,” as it were, to one of my “homiez.” And yet, you continue to badger me unceasingly. Net: For future reference, WE are not the ones writing in calling you a jackass. WE merely have 4 to 8 letters to choose from (on good days) and then respond in kind. I would just bite my thumb, turn my back and leave, but, like a moth to flame, or a slave to his mistress, or one of those weeble things spit out of a toddler’s mouth, I find myself drawn back. Net: Kinda like sex with your aunt, eh? So deal with it.
To Loosey: I did not say that it was impossible to like both Mr. “I (never really) killed my wife” Enimem and Ms. “I’m saving myself for marriage, unless you get me first” Spears, as many, many people do this every day. Net: They’re called hypocrites. Point and laugh at them if you like. I was just wondering if people were aware of the inherent contradiction of doing so. Net: We’re with ya wholeheartedly on this one, Yonksteffarian. In short, I don’t know what’s wrong with you, either.
I end like a clumsy metaphor, Yonko.
THREE SENTENCES
From PeeWee the alumni guy: Wow, Yngwie, you are a bitter, sad little man. At first I thought you were attacking me with your Network entry, not that I can understand why anyone would want to attack such a jovial and fun-loving guy as myself. But actually, Yngwie, you were just writing in order to stroke your own ego and try to prove to the University population just how good you is.
My guess, Yngwie, is that you were one of those poor, misguided individuals who Net: OK, we’re not all about propagating non-Melcherian little wars in our page. Right now, that is. Maybe we’ll run the rest of this letter Wednesday. We probably won’t, though. (Note to PeeWee: Don’t EVER tell us what we HAVE to print.)