Net: Are you as excited as we are about the upcoming fall television season? We hope so, considering that every network is promoting their new shows like a pimp on heavy stimulants. The collective has seen that damn ‘Boston Public’ commercial approximately 2,345,645 times. And, unlike other preview commercials which typically show a few of the choice jokes in the pilot, ‘Boston Public’ chooses only to show two jokes: one about the girl not wearing a bra, and another about the students poll of which teacher they want to sleep with most. What a laff riot! It’s a sure-fire hit! A good-natured romp! *groan* *barf*
NETTER-HATER
From Bitcho F. Greece: Hello Net, I am an international student that just transferred to your school from a college that wishes to remain anonymous. Net: Madison? Typically I started to pick up the Daily just about every time I am able to get hold of it (anywhere but Murphy hall i.e. The Journalism Building). Net: You go to the J-school? Are you a J-school major? Our impression of a J-school major calling a major paper for a job:
Bitcho: “Hi, I recently graduated from the U of M Journalism school and have no practical experience. Can I have a job?”
Big smarty newspaper man: *fits of uncontrollable laughter*
Bitcho: “But I know how to relate mass media to Marxism and how the U.S. is huge, evil devil that will swallow the world and destroy all of us.”
BSNM: *dial tone*
Anyhow, so far all I can say is God bless, people at the Daily evidently work hard and produce a full body of useful news Net: We’re really good at pulling stuff off The Associated Press wire which makes me wonder at the end of each time I read it why would they waste their time, space, ink and paper on your column. You people are completely useless and un-funny. Net: *sniff* People waste time writing to you bitching about stuff, Net: Aren’t you bitching about stuff? and all you do is agree or disagree in an unusually unproductive way. I feel sorry for you. How do you sleep at night Net: Typically with your mom knowing you haven’t done anything good or useful in the past 12 hours? Frankly, I think you should be replaced with the only thing the paper lacks: sexual stimulation. Net: Well, if you rolled us into a tube Á and coated us with oil Á A number of soft-core pictures would be so much more fun to look at. Oh — I forgot — I am in America, you’d rather put pictures of people shooting each other, isn’t that more acceptable in America — the land of anythingoes? It’s all good. I log off. Net: Flame on, fellow Networkians.
COUNT
From SCOOTERS4LIFE: As with everyone that writes in to the NET, I think my point of view is the most important at the University. Can someone explain to me what da deally-yo Net: ZUH? with GC? You may think I am stupid for taking GC courses, but I figure as long as I show up for exams I will get an A. I am a junior (so, a sophomore then?) and in CLA, so I am not an actual GC student. Net: Do you drive a really nice car? If you can get through the wall of smoke and Nokia radiation at Appleby High (a.k.a. Ghetto College) and make it to your class, you are one of the lucky ones. Or someone who needs a year-long supply of Febreze and lead vests. Once you get to class, which has a 15-minute late requirement, you get an A for the semester. But that’s not all folks … you get to listen to how people can actually fail a GC class. It is amazing to see the lengths that people go to in order to fail. I know that every class outside of GC has an OLD NODDER, THAT GUY, and an IAWTG, however GC is the exception to the rule. The people that get recognized in GC are TBPG (Tight Black Pants Girl) Net: We see her at the bar all the time and ICJARG (I Can Jump and Run Guy). Speaking of amazing athletes, I think the dedicated and disciplined extreme scooter athletes should get televised recognition in the Olympic Games of 2004. Net: We’d pay to see scooter-throwing as an event For all of the fantastic, fun-loving, I-Like-Long-Walks-On-The-Beach IT fellas, don’t be faint of heart! Your dosage of truth will be in my next installment. Net: We’re waiting with bated breath.
POINTER-COUNT
From Thereisaspoon: Ho Network! I can silence myself no longer on the topic of scooters on campus. I too think they are ridiculous! I mean, aren’t there other ways to get from point A to point B? Must these scooter-heads travel in a manner that annoys me? And another thing: What’s up with all the rollerblades on campus? Aren’t they just roller skates that are all messed up? I swear, those things were created to annoy me. Also, whats this new fashion of wearing a perfectly good baseball cap BACKWARDS?! Net: We think it signals that you are gay. Or is that wearing your pants backwards? I swear those people are wearing their clothes incorrectly just to annoy me. Lastly, why is everyone on campus breathing all the time? Net: We like to steal your oxygen How inconsiderate! It’s like the powers that be created respiration solely to annoy me. That is all.
THAT TOPIC
From Daisy: Yar! Net: Narf Oh powerful NET, I would like to bring up the old battered topic of THAT GUY and THAT GIRL. I have two THAT GIRLs in my classes. One is in my medieval German class where she thinks that she is the teacher and answers all of your questions for her. Why the hell is she even taking the damn class is she already knows everything there is about the topic? The other THAT GIRL is in one of my psych classes. She could also be considered an OLD NODDER. She sits there and will act like she is the only one in the class and is just having a conversation with the professor. The teachers ramble off some nonsense and then you can hear in the back “oh, yes, I see.” There isn’t that many people in the class, so we all can hear her. Please, “SHUT UP!!!” I believe the only solution to our THAT GIRL, THAT GUY and OLD NODDER situation is killing them all. Net: Oh, that’s your solution to everything Perhaps during midterms and finals we can have “Beat THAT GIRL, THAT GUY, and OLD NODDER day.” Perhaps we should coincide that with “BEAUTIFUL U DAY” Net: We’ll talk to Yudof. We have a red phone on our desk that is a direct line, kind of like the BatPhone Down with them all!!!!!