Net: As victory’s celebration wears on, Obsequians — their minds once clouded by the nefarious machinations of King T himself — begin to join the revelry.
Flock to us then, former servants of the evil T! For none can shake T’s iniquitous grip — even in the days of his dissolution — without the help of the enlightened!
Shed thine lemming habiliments and seek new methods of expression; come to us, erstwhile Obsequians — your captor is but a vaporous memory! Come!
As for you, Networkians — if ever you were to debauch yourselves in the name of life’s liberty, this is your weekend to do so!
Hasta la victoria siempre!
RATS!
From Canadian FBI (writing all the way from Wisconsin — wow!): For the next week I’m working the third shift at the Medical College of Wisconsin monitoring an experiment involving rats, a staple gun and prolonged exposure to Vanilla Ice’s “To The Extreme” (don’t tell the SPCA). Net: Sounds like they’re trying to create an army of Vanilla Ice clones … beware! While my wallet will be engorged with Benjamins after the 70-hour work week is finished, it leaves me pretty tired and with a lot of idle time in the lab. So I sat down at the lab computer and started working through some problems, such as world hunger, world peace, “who shot J.R.” and dark matter. Finally, as I neared completion on the meaning of life, the computer crashed. I guess the world will just have to wait a little longer for a cereal that stays crunchy, even in milk.
CHEESE WHIZ
From I Wish Bug Candy Was My Dad: I’m sitting around with Duffy the other night and the idea hits me: Top 10 Cheesiest songs of the 90s. Net: Did you two peak at the same time?
10). Two in a Room — “Wiggle It” Just a little bit!
9). Nelson — “After the Rain” I don’t think this song would have reached cheesy status if it wasn’t for the hair. Net: Or the video where the Nelson poster comes alive to rescue the white-trash rocker kid. Sheesh.
8). Chumbawumba — “Tubthumping” I know in about six years I will be sitting around with my friends wondering who sang it. Net: We’re still amazed you remembered “Two in a Room.”
7). Right Said Fred — “I’m Too Sexy” Poor Pussy, Poor Pussy Cat … Net: WAAAAHHT?! This is a classic! We’re … too sexy for this column, too sexy for this column … on the Backtalk …
6). Presidents of the United States of America — “Lump” … Or Weird Al’s version “Gump” Net: Note — Weird Al songs are SUPPOSED to be cheesy.
5). Los Del Rio — “Macerena” I still cringe.
4). Tie. The Crash Testy Dummies — “Mmm Mmm Mmm”/Hanson “MmmBop.” We should have got Hanson for Spring Jam.
3). Deadeye Dick — “New Age Girl” She don’t eat meat but she sure likes the bone. Net: Ha! Get it?
2). Vanilla Ice — “Ice Ice Baby” or maybe “Ninja Rap” from the “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2.” Word to your Mother!
1). Green Jelly — “Three Little Pigs.” Not by the hair on our chinny chin chins. Net: Webets y’all can do better to add to this list.
WACKOS
From Big Brother Todd: Just the other day I was walking down the street and this dude had been following about 10 feet behind me for oh, say, two blocks. Net: Can it be that the Dreamer has returned? You still up to your old tricks, dream-boy? He never tried to pass me or anything, and then all of a sudden he sped up and started walking right next to me. He then said something like “Don’t you hate it when you hear footsteps behind you? You don’t know what that person’s going to do.” I looked at him, and in my normal, pot-induced stoic look said “No man, I guess it doesn’t really bother me.” He replied with “It always gives me the creeps. You and I should write a book — ‘The Ethics of Pedestrianism.'” Net: He didn’t ask you if he could kiss your feet, did he? I said OK and went on my way, never to see this guy again. I have just two words to say to this person: You’re wacko! Probably not as wacko as the lady who went walking by us one time at the 400 Bar and said, “What, you think you’re better than me ’cause I got towels?” or the guy in Tucson who went walking by us and kept repeating “Hear ye! Hear ye!,” all the while juggling cucumbers, but this guy is wacko! Net: Wacko like a fox, wethinks.
AMERICA, THE BEAUTIFUL
From Psycho: Net, Net, Net … can you see that our American society is going down the proverbial toilet. I can see it every day … in the paper, on TV, in my shady neighborhood, on the wall. Net: What, you got a Ricky Martin poster up there? I feel like nobody else can see. Intolerance of difference, glorification of violence and immaturity, suburban white kids who think they’re from the ghetto … have you ever been to a bad neighborhood? It’s not that great, hence the epithet BAD! Does anyone else see? Net: We see. We see all too well. Consolidation of power, Net: Bill Gates is worth $90 BILLION conflict of the classes, the establishment … they just get worse every day. I would blame the upper-class Republicans, but the Democrats in office are just as bad, so I’m screwed either way. Who will sit on the throne of our country at the turn of the millennium? Al Gore or another Bush!? Net: Have hope — Jesse might run — sheesh! SOMEBODY SAVE US! The Christian right, PACs, sketchy sue-hungry people and lawyers, fear of your neighbor, the war on drugs … CAN’T ANYONE SEE!? Net: There’s a war on drugs? Whoops … I now realize that I’m not going to be able to spend the rest of my days happy here in the U.S. of A. I’m going to be arrested for a victimless crime, or killed in a race riot, or pushed out a 40th floor office window by a competitor who wants to make $1.5 million per year instead of $1.45 million. SOMEBODY F##(%!NG SHOOT ME! I’m going to get out of this country as soon as I can, but I’m still afraid that we Americans are going to destroy us all. We’re like a virus that spreads faster than the bubonic plague of the 1300s. Net: With fanny packs and Mickey Mouse T-shirts, to boot. Take heed, Europeans, the virus has reached your shores. Kill it while you can! Net: Or just go on being snotty.
Have a nice weekend, everybody.