All the crap our daily lives are made up of doesn’t add up to anything, according to a report released today by University researcher Steve Reeves.
Reeves, the University’s chief professor of life studies, has been studying his life for two years to come up with this startling conclusion.
“In my research, I discovered that I, along with my brethren on this planet, are pitiful, hollowed-out shells of men and women,” Reeves said. “Existence is meaningless.”
The landmark study confirmed the popular belief that relationships, jobs, education and sporting events don’t add up to anything when you are a decaying and rotting corpse in the dirty, dirty ground.
“I believe that Professor Reeve’s conclusions are 100 percent valid,” said comic book aficionado and fellow ne’er-do-weller Steve Doboni.
Doboni, who wanted to remain anonymous but whose request was ignored, is a University student majoring in engineering. His turn-ons include guitar music, wine and soft, pink panties.
“I, myself, have trouble believing that my existence is meaningful. My body is just the result of a huge biological mistake, my brain the same,” Doboni said, curling into a dejected fetal position.
The report featured a list of some of the main things Reeves finds especially worthless in his shallow life: soap, wire hangers, love, beauty, mothers, wristwatches, stickers, books, cheese, shoes, tennis, movies, drug use and the refreshing scent of Pine-Sol, among others.
“Professor Reeves is probably our brightest researcher at the University right now, and he’s the shit. Who cares? Who ever listens or cares about the mindless drivel that I spew? Get outta here, you damn left-wing hippie pseudo-journalistic sonuvabitch,” said Steve Yudoff, chief overlord of the University system, when questioned about the findings of the report.
“Now that my report is complete,” said Reeves, smiling his dejected clown-in-hell grin, I feel even emptier than before. Why should my livelihood depend on researching garbage like this? I know now that my end is near.
Other research organizations around the country have reached similar conclusions. A recent poll conducted by the University of New York’s Department of Meaning showed that, across the country, people are finding less and less meaning in their lives. This is attributed mostly to the lack of effective celebrities to live vicariously through, typically by reading People Magazine.
“We used to be able to escape from our monotonous, trivial lives by voraciously consuming the glossy pictures and monosyllabic articles in People Magazine,” said Steve Davis, a telephone sanitation engineer from Detroit. “But now they don’t bring us happiness anymore. The Dark Times have begun.”
“I’m not home right now, please leave a message. BEEP,” Steve Walker, who could not be reached for comment, said.
Reeves will continue researching the lack of substance and meaning in existence, but says that it won’t be easy.
“Maybe I’ll die soon,” Reeves said. “Then my miserable life will taunt me no longer.”
Reeves said some other stuff, and so did some other people. But, I really don’t give a shit. I doubt you even read this far. I doubt anybody ever reads this stinking piece of fish-wrap yellow journalism. Go ahead, fire me. I quit anyway, dammit. Life sux.