Are you always refreshing Twitter? Are you the first to say something beautiful (or crass) when a celebrity passes away? Do you run out of free articles on the New York Times website at the start of every month?
We’re about two weeks (16 shopping/sewing/crafting days) away from the big ‘Ween, so it’s high time we all start ripping costumes from the headlines.
Smart money says the streets will be crowded with Walter Whites and Miley Cyruses this year; smarter money will get spent on more original (yet still topical!) ‘stumes.
Here are a few quick ideas for the big night, soaked in the cultural zeitgeist and tailored to your time/energy sitch.
If you have time to go shopping
We’re all busy over here. But if you can spare an afternoon on a shopping spree (Wal-Mart is at 1450 W. University Ave. in St. Paul; Target is at 900 Nicollet Mall in Minneapolis), pick up some cheap stuff and call it a day.
Stefon’s last episode: New York’s hottest club is … this key piece of “Saturday Night Live” history, for which you’ll need a tacky graphic T-shirt and a tacky graphic long-sleeved shirt. Toss some cheap rings on your fingers and throw a little hair gel in the mix. Cover your mouth and giggle. If you can get a friend to dress up as Seth Meyers, marry him.
Uncle Si: Are you “Duck Dynasty” crazy? You might be a redneck if … you’re wearing a long false beard (or a real one, sprayed with gray dye), a camo hat and vest, some blue jeans, a Tupperware cup full of iced tea and glasses with a cord to hold ‘em on your dang head.
If you’re lazy and have a suit
Calling all Carlson guys and gals! Break out your best internship fair duds and get ready for some party debates.
Edward Snowden: This one is perfect for you if your suit isn’t actually all that nice. Wear some kind of gross, shiny, gray collared shirt and some half-rimmed glasses. Make sure you have Reddit pulled up on your phone all night, an (ex-?) NSA badge and a tiny travel guide to Moscow in your pocket.
Carrie Mathison: Button up your sharpest gray suit for a look that’ll blow any “Kill Bill” hold-overs right outta the water. (By the way, ladies, 2004 called…) The finishing touch on your “Homeland” costume will be a tiny boom box bumping a Thelonious Monk CD at all times. If someone asks you who you are, commence the trademark crying.
Congress: While dressing up as a furloughed park ranger will get you a blue ribbon in any costume contest, that’s not the kind of suit (or the kind of effort!) we’re talking about here. Go for the literal route and print out a “Sorry, We’re Closed!” sign to hang around your neck. Don’t forget your American flag pin.
If you have energy and art supplies
I know you don’t need my help — you are the 1 percent of Halloween, probably cutting out patterns already. Here are backups.
Super Bowl XLVII power outage: Remember when the power went out on half the stadium during the Super Bowl? Be that outage. Dress in all black and fashion two bleachers out of cardboard to attach to your shoulders. Paint one bleacher purple and gold for the Baltimore Ravens and the other red and gold for the San Francisco 49ers. Beyoncé hair is optional.
New Goldy statue: The goofy gopher statue outside of Coffman Memorial Union spurred hot debate during its fundraising, but that doesn’t mean it won’t be a crowd-pleaser in the Mesa line. Paint your face like a gopher (think: big teeth that go down to your chin, big black eyebrows, an extension to your smile) and toss on some ears. Wear a school-spirited sweater and construct a maroon ‘M’ out of cardboard to strap onto your side. Let families take their picture with you.
