High-strung University student Ronny Sassbottom had been saying something like this might happen for a long time, but it wasn’t until the Thursday preceding a previous Friday that his warnings were finally realized.
In a fit of rage that unreliable witnesses called “stirring,” Sassbottom opened a can of Whupass and gave a little to everyone who asked for it.
“I didn’t want to have to do it,” Sassbottom said. “But they brought this on themselves. I was backed into a corner and I did what I had to do.”
According to people who claimed to be somewhat close to the probable area in which the alleged can-opening occurred, Sassbottom offered a final warning — “Don’t make me open a can of Whupass,” he said — before he simply couldn’t take any more.
Sassbottom reportedly reached into the trunk of his black El Camino, circa 1978, and pulled out a 12-ounce can of Whupass, which he brandished before an increasingly tense crowd of onlookers.
Then, after uttering a string of fiery profanities that witnesses interpreted as another warning, Sassbottom put back the 12-ounce can and grabbed a 60-ounce “SuperCan” instead.
“When you mess with this bad man,” he probably didn’t say, “you get the Whupass with a side of sass. I’ve told you all before that I didn’t want to do this, but you’re giving me no choice.”
A group of students who were loitering and smoking several blocks away from the actual incident said Sassbottom opened the can and, excited by the distinctive odor of high-grade Whupass, proceeded to pummel the bejeezus out of several onlookers who had unwisely ignored his juvenile outbursts.
“It was absolutely awesome,” Chuck Butternuts, a junior in journalism who’s probably failing all of his classes because of his listless, slipshod appearance, said. “I mean, people were all but begging him to open that can of Whupass, and once he did, man, did they get what they had coming. Hot damn.”
Another student, who asked not to be identified because he’s a 6-foot-tall, brown-haired man, approximately 190 pounds with a distinctive scar near his left eye and a tattoo on his right bicep that reads, “Bamans Do it More Better,” said Sassbottom had told him many times of his growing desire to open a can of Whupass on any of a number of impudent, cocksure individuals.
He was shocked to learn that Sassbottom went so far as to open the SuperCan of Whupass, which is only available on the little-known Whupass black market located at the Target Greatland in Minnetonka.
“Holy fright,” he said.
Buttocks McSpreadums, a short, fat University behavioral psychologist who actually knows very little about the effects of Whupass, said Sassbottom’s decision to open the can might have been a little lost boy’s cry for help rather than the action of a crazed, blood-thirsty madman with delusions of adequacy.
“Obviously, it takes a man with the cahones of a jungle beast to follow up on threats to open a can of Whupass — especially the SuperCan,” McSpreadums said. “But if the man says he’s going to open a can on your ass, you better damn well listen.”
After the incident, Sassbottom was taken into custody by University Police and several crates of Whupass were confiscated. Police Sergeant Chester Chodums said the investigation revealed Sassbottom had only one SuperCan in his possession at the time of the incident.
“If he had anymore,” Chodums said, “the likelihood of another Whupass outburst was strong, much like the kick-your-ass taste of Whupass itself.”