Researchers at the University’s Boobology Center, a renowned breast think tank, concluded yesterday that hairy male breasts in female undergarments look “like something you’d nuzzle,” “something like soft coconuts” and “furry, but heavenly.”
The study began in December when researchers started working with 15 grown men between 18 and 45 years old. “They were all very enthusiastic about the study,” said researchers. They reportedly felt it was in their best interests and those of the lingerie industry.
“Those white-coated asses told me I’d get to work with breasts, for God sakes,” said Brad Palmer, a well-endowed test subject. “I didn’t think they’d be mine. I just wanted to be pretty — I wanted nice, soft boobies.”
The subjects were made to go shirtless and wear a variety of bright colored bras — some padded, some lacy, some pointed Madonna-style, some tiger-print — as they went around their everyday business. To collect data, researchers followed them, took pictures and recorded the reactions of co-workers and passersby.
Officer John Reily of the Minneapolis Police Department had an especially difficult time while on patrol with his Victoria’s Secret size 39-B sheer, satin bra.
“I had the most ferocious tan lines on those sunny park-patrol days,” said the officer, a fair-skinned blond. “My skin is very sensitive and my little pink piggies would just get toasted through that silky bra material.”
The law enforcer said he would rub SPF 30 on his “supple nips,” but would have trouble when he tried to reach his back.
“I’d ask people it they’d give me a quick rubdown,” said Reily. “Usually they’d go along with it when they saw my gun. But if they refused, I’d put my arms around them and yell out, ‘I’m your horny love-monkey, I’m your dirty lawman.'”
Reily, Palmer and the other 13 participants have recently filed for unemployment and hired private investigators to find their estranged wives and families.
The findings of the research aren’t especially surprising. A similar study was conducted in 1998 by Sheik’s, a well-known research center in Minneapolis. But in the study, researchers said “most hairy men look like hell in female undergarments.” They did, however, cite some exceptions. The guys who qualified as “hot” in their study were “buff, well-pumped, young, sweaty men in sequined bikini briefs and tank tops.”
The University’s research, while less rigorous than that of Sheik’s, was well received at a ceremony last night, attended primarily by perverts, pro-breast groups, priests and several Daily employees.
“Our goal from the start was to find out once and for all whether myself and other men could truly be pretty, sexy and alluring, just by strapping on a bra,” said the study’s head researcher, Wolfgang Hardnips, a visiting professor from the Berlin School of Jugs.
He closed his short speech by saying he was very satisfied with the findings of the research team. He said once the study gets around, men will hopefully feel more comfortable wearing their wife’s undergarments and singing “Dancing Queen” in front of the bathroom mirror.
“I hold bras very close to my heart,” said Hardnips. “I love what they are, I love what they support.”