Bleed, baby, bleed.
Selling your blood plasma for money can be quite lucrative and can also drain harmful excess fluids.
Safer than donating an arm or sellin’ yer melon, plasma donation has been called “the delicious profession” by world leaders.
In addition to earning cash, the fluids that are removed, including black bile, yellow bile and phlegm, will cause melancholy and bloating if not drained, according to Elizabethan physicians.
The donation process consists of one victim, one sucking machine and five leeches to begin circulation.
First there is a variety of fun questions about your past money or drugs-for-sex transactions. If you have multiple piercings, you will be given the boot at this time.
A site for the bloodletting is chosen. The first choice is the vein near your elbow, the second is your ass. A third option is the swollen vein running along your temple when your head is bursting from anger at that damn boss of yours and that rotten family you’ve got.
Once all your fluids are removed, a check is placed in your shriveled hand. Most of the body is now a dry, crusty baguette.
At this point, one can do so many things with the new-found dough. One option is to go directly to the food joint down the street, called the “teat of life.”
The overall experience of plasma donation teaches a wonderful life lesson: Drain the veins.
“I love draining the veins,” says a local fiend. “I feel so refreshed and dizzy, like I am in a fantasy world, and I am the Dreammaker.”
Others are quick to point out the necessity of draining: to relieve internal pressure.
“My friend just popped,” Susan Bender wailed. “One minute he was there, the next he was everywhere.”
A respected doctor at a local sidewalk practice said a healthy debt, regular exorcisms and draining the veins can prolong life.
“Just make sure it’s a clean scene,” she said.
When searching for a legitimate place, she insinuated that one should look for certain things.
“Lack of mice is a number one priority,” said a man who looked like he knew what he was talking about. “I no likey stinky poo-poo.”
So, it turned out he didn’t know anything. Then someone who did came along, but it turned out she didn’t know much either.
Some have expressed concerns over the garbanzo-sized lump of scar tissue that develops after many years of donation.
“That is actually fashionable in the old country,” said Molly Mallone, as she danced a forgotten jig. “Many people try their whole lives to achieve a lump of significant proportions.”
Sometimes, the plasma center offers special deals if one donates a certain number of times in a given week. But one participant said he went too far.
“I gave and gave,” he said, weeping softly and sensuously. “After 40 donations in one week I was just skin and bones.”
The man, who asked that his name not be revealed for fear of retaliation, is a small pile of mush in a hospital bed.
But, regardless of the scattered horror stories, plasma donation remains a staple of college tuition and a healthy lifestyle.
So, don’t be surprised if you see this reporter doing the Leaky Vessel Polka the next time you Drain the Vein.