Net: And so we’re …

Net: And so we’re in the thick of another week of “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?” and we have yet to see a winner (except, of course, for Regis Philbin’s tailor). What will it take to free our souls from the powerful grasp of this show, and what is the source of this je ne sais quoi that renders us powerless in the first place?
Deliver us, oh Regis, and make us whole again. Let the balding investment banker from Jackson Hole with the bad teeth and absentee fashion sense win the million bucks, and let us sleep once more.
CLICK, BUZZ, RING, WHISTLE

From CompuGeek: While reading the Network from my ADCS post, I thought I’d tell you that Chudo is wrong. Net: We’ve known all along that he’s wrong, but were never quite sure (until now) whether he was incorrect. The registration is encrypted. That’s what the little lock means down in the bottom of your window. 😛 Net: Curse the person who came up with this annoying smiley-punctuating crap. Do you know how difficult it is to tip a head this big to the left?
All communications are encrypted in a Secure Socket Layer. When you visit a site with an URL starting with https it means it’s secure, as opposed to the unencrypted http. Net: This public service lullaby brought to you by your friends at computing services.
Also, Chudo, network sniffing is almost impossible to do on the University’s network because of switched routers. Net: We prefer deodorant. Much less complicated. These routers only allow you to view packets intended for yourself. Net: All this talk about networks is so confusing. Leave the family name out of it, for chrissakes. A sniffer relies on being able to put your ethernet card in a mode that allows it to see all traffic; however, these routers won’t send you the data, so you can’t sniff. Net: Sniff, sniff.
OBESOLETE

From 6pack of MillerLite: Once again my pain has come from the St. Paul campus and the ruthless ways of this University. Net: That’s funny. No pain and ruthlessness to be found over here. Oh, and the sultry scent of bovine piss is pretty much nonexistent. As I sit here and ponder, a few questions keep popping up and need to be answered for me to move on in life. First of all, what the hell happened to the simple, but yet very needed, pencil sharpener? Net: Yeah, and who stole our slide rule? I have not seen one for years; does this University and the people running it feel we no longer need these? Net: Beware … toilet paper might be next. We need the good old No. 2 to take their test, yet I’m powerless without a sharp tip. Net: Really, aren’t we all? The second pondering thought is the true lack of drunken students on the weekends or, better yet, the week. Have you been to the campus bars lately? Net: Umm … only on days that end with “y.” It’s a strict rule, from which we refuse to sway. Do people not realize that it is OK to go out and enjoy themselves once in a while? I say get yourself out from behind your Sega and PokÇmon games and see the wonderful lights that are produced by neon. Net: Don’t forget the wonderful light show that occurs when you mix two pitchers of Hamm’s with a multihued neon sign.
SASS FLOW

From nur Scheisse im Kopf: Dear wonderful Net, you’re great and you know it, so flaunt it, honey. Net: We’re shaking our groove thing this very moment. How can the University keep raising tuition? Net: Like this: “So, fellas, you wanna raise tuition?” “Sure.” “Rock on.” How, for that matter, can any university keep raising tuition 5 percent or so each year? Net: See above, add “5 percent.” If one progresses constantly at those rates, soon it will cost way too much for anyone to go to school. Net: And then a college degree might actually mean something. Jeepers. Woe to the underfunded, and underfunded are we. Where does the money go? What can they possibly spend it all on? Net: (Pick one) 1) Copper gutters at Eastcliff. 2) Gin and tonics at McCormick’s. 3) Incompetent administrators. They just kicked off the $1.3 billion fund-raiser. That is an incredible amount of money, if one stops to think about it. Net: OK, here goes … wow! That is a lot of money! If the University needs money that badly, I want to see President Mark Yudof working the corner of University Avenue and Church Street, and the rest of the Regents spaced out along there also. Net: When we think big money, we think the corner of University and Church. Oh, and we’re also clinically insane. Another thing I don’t understand (topic jump) is how people can keep falling for those stupid forwards that read something like: Bill Gates/AOL/CIA is tracking this e-mail and will send you money for sending it to as many people as possible. Net: You’ll stop laughing when you get your check in the mail. People like that increase the amount of rage and gratuitous violence in the world.
WHEN FOOD ATTACKS

From Lord of Evil: Mr. Net, here’s a funny issue for you. Net: You’ll be the judge of that. All over campus, from the buses to the cafeterias, there’s a lot of anti-social behavior going on. I eat in the cafeteria daily, and it’s like a prison. Everybody keeps their eyes on their food, hunched over, and a few are even sharpening that fork to parry that surprise attack that will never come. Net: Think again. Apparently you haven’t heard about The Pork Chop Who Chopped Back.
The buses aren’t much different — 65 zombies going to or from St. Paul. Net: It’s the one who’s happy about going to St. Paul you have to worry about. It’s like something out of “Evil Dead 2.” I saw a young man Net: i.e., a pervert try to make conversation the other day with this lady. Net: i.e., an innocent victim The whole bus Net: i.e., the court of public opinion looked at him as if he just broke some huge moral code. Net: i.e., the indisputable law that determines the way of things. What the hell is up with that? I think people should be a bit more social. It would make people’s days a bit happier and the bus rides less creepy.