As end nears, the U closes

The University will close its doors forever after the end of this semester in anticipation of the impending apocalypse, The Minnesota Daily has learned.
“Let the history books show that the University of Minnesota educated the people of this state for 150 years, and no more,” Yudof told the Daily. “And what a long, strange trip it’s been.”
Yudof said although the decision was his to make, he had the full support of the Board of Regents in making it.
“We all looked around the regents’ conference room last month and said, ‘What are we even doing this for? We all know this is all going to be irrelevant when the fiery brimstone comes raining down on us all next month,'” Yudof said.
Board Chairwoman Patricia Spence endorsed Yudof’s startling decision.
“I think when all is said and done, the people of this state will look to Yudof and think he did the right thing,” Spence said. “I think he deserves another raise.”
Yudof said he was satisfied with his decision; that it gave him a nice feeling of “closure.”
He said the choice was prompted by an observation by first-year student Buck Samuelson during his introductory astronomy class.
Samuelson discovered that a mass of what he called “churning, burning funk” was hurtling toward the earth and was scheduled to hit the recently evacuated Coffman Union at midnight on the dawn of the new millennium.
“All I want is one last beer,” Samuelson said.
In response, the Minnesota Student Association passed a resolution in opposition to the apocalypse.
“I don’t think the students of this University elected me to just stand by and let this happen,” said MSA president Ben Bowman. “Until something actually happens, I think we have to pursue the matters at hand, like the 10th Avenue Circulator. Is that a great bus route, or what?”
And if the world doesn’t end on the 31st?
“Well then, we’ll look the fool, won’t we?” Yudof quipped.
— Compiled from staff reports