Net: Ah, yes — the IT/CLA debate is in full swing. Today we commemorate the 133rd anniversary of Lee’s surrender to Grant at Appomattox Courthouse with the blues of techies and the grays of CLA. Onward, soldiers — let the bull run!

From JR to IT Sheetrocker: When are all you nerds going to learn that IT is not the shit? You all think you are the cream of the crop, when you are actually the scum off the bottom. Net: True. But they are very useful scum when Windows breaks down — again. I swear, every time I walk into Lind Hall, I feel like I just walked into “Revenge of the Nerds.” Net: That’s not surprising, when you consider that, much of the time, the U is really just one big high school. First of all, there is a well-known reason why CLA students don’t set the curve on tests: CLA STUDENTS HAVE A LIFE. Net: And they call it Nintendo. While all you IT nerds are busy studying for the test that’s a month away, we’re all out partying like hell, getting laid. Net: Developing guts and diseases.
And you said that we masturbate excessively? You’re just afraid to tell the truth. While we’re all lying in the grass outside, catching up on sleep lost to the previous night of partying, all you IT students are inside masturbating uncontrollably over your calculus notes because you’re turned on by integrals. Net: Don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it.
No one from IT knows this, but during fall quarter there was a secret graduate study done (funded by the College of Liberal Arts, of course) on IT students. They found that IT students’ constant studying is a fruitless effort to compensate for small genitals. But don’t get discouraged IT students, someday you’ll reach that 4.0 GPA, and boy, won’t we be jealous — not. Net: No, you won’t be jealous. You’ll just be unemployed. Next voice, please …

From CLA Doctor: Ah, dear Sheetrocker, it is too bad that you do not realize that your hurtful slander of CLA is directed at some of the future doctors, teachers and journalists of the world. Net: Or maybe Sheetrocker does realize this, and fear motivates him/her to speak. With this ungrateful speculation, I’m sure you have even offended our always sympathetic Network. Net: Not true. Ever since our human authors were replaced by Sarcasm 1.0, we have had very close connections with IT. They make us almost human, sometimes.
It really is a pity that you must sit inside all day and watch us all truly enjoying life. I am, however, pleased that you choose to stay inside. Your strong social graces might have made us all feel so uncool. Being socially inept is hard isn’t it? Net: We wouldn’t know. We’re just kinda shy at parties.
Just because we choose to integrate our studying into our admiration of Mother Nature does not mean we are any less studious than you. I can vouch for all of us aspiring doctors in pre-med that studying is a requirement, not a life-sustaining necessity. It’s called time management. Maybe they should require all IT students to learn this elementary aspect of life.
One more thing — why are you so sure that all the students enjoying life are CLA students? Net: All those utopian cultural studies courses. I admit we do have a special craving for fun, but there are more colleges at the U than just IT and CLA. Maybe you should think before you take out your personal jealousy upon an extremely large and diverse group of people. Net: You don’t see this once it’s edited, folks, but we would like to note that both anti-IT writers today misspelled “jealous.” Is this Freudian? And, if so, can we trust a CLA student to make a proper diagnosis?
Well, that’s enough vicious stereotyping for one day. Now, on to insinuating mysteries

From Curious: Has anyone else noticed that there are showers in the basement level men’s restroom in the physics building? Does anyone know why? Net: Large grants from the Nazis in the 1930s. Don’t worry. They don’t work anymore. My theory is that the physics profs live in Tate. Net: The ultimate in a community of scholars. Last quarter, my physics professor used to send out e-mails late Friday nights. Net: Interesting. Why couldn’t he just surf the Adult Check sites and leave you alone?
Does anyone want to join me 7 a.m. this Friday for a shower? Net: Wow. That was abrupt. You might want to work on better communication skills if you want to perform effective seductions. Everyone is welcome. Net: So, will the showers be in Tate, or was your first paragraph the nervous non-sequitur of one who can’t just come out and express one’s desires? You mystify us, Curious. But, appropriately, we find you intriguing as well. Rub-a-dub-dub!
And finally …
From The Cheerful Dane: If I had known that Shakespearean sonnets were the way to impress you, I would have sent one in long ago! Well, here’s something I wrote this afternoon, based on a true story(!). The topic isn’t worth a full-fledged rant, but it’s enough for a poem.
I call it,

Sonnet to my Second U Card

I take my U Card everywhere I go:
I drive not, so it’s all that proves my names
And ten bucks is an awful lot of dough
To somebody who works at Games By James.
So when I put it in a snack machine
They’d put into my res hall this spring break,
Imagine how my face turned pale, then green
When food it gave not, but my card did take!
Then when I got it back, it hurt me hard,
For my ID of choice had been defaced,
And then They took away my precious card
When I was forced to get the thing replaced.
Now in my grief, but one thing comforts me:
At least I got my new U Card for free!

Net: Here, here. You must be a CLA student. Take care, y’all!