Dear Dr. Date,
I go to college with a beautiful young woman with whom I have become good friends. I have been hanging out a lot with her lately, doing things like helping her shop and little things like that. We have gone out to dinner and out to eat at other times. Our relationship is just as friends, but I have developed feelings for her, and I am not sure if she has them for me as well. She asks me personal questions and acts in ways that make me think she is interested, but I am not sure.
I would normally confront a woman on this, but we have a good friendship, and I would hate to ruin it if she doesn’t feel the same. However, I can’t just leave it be, because I have feelings for her like I haven’t with anyone else before.
My question would be how I can find out her feelings for me without hurting our friendship.
— SS
You won’t automatically kill the friendship by telling her you’re interested in being more than friends. The first step for you is to be utterly honest with yourself about your intentions. Is it possible that you are projecting your feelings onto her? If she doesn’t want to be more than a friend, you might have a bigger problem dealing with it than her. Great friendships are rarely ruined by something as trivial as a crush. If the two of you are strong friends, then this situation shouldn’t be a big deal.
Of course, there are few ways to determine her interest without taking the risk of telling her how you feel. Perhaps there is a mutual friend you could ask, but I have found this source of information to be wholly unreliable. If you’ve read my column over the last four years, then you know I champion the direct approach.
There are many ways to approach this seemingly delicate situation. Some are intricate, some are complex, but in the end they are probably all ridiculous because the situation isn’t nearly as complex as it seems.
You are off to a great start with this woman. Keep having fun and keep talking. Don’t hide your feelings, because there is no reason to hide them. It’s not a crime or sin to have a crush on someone you like to be with.
My guess is that she likes you, and for some unknown reason, you aren’t letting yourself believe it. Regret is a terrible thing, my friend. How awful it would be to find out years later that she didn’t say anything about her crush on you because she thought you only wanted to be friends. You don’t need to flash it on the jumbotron; just give her a little sign.