Net: Huzzah! Today, submitted for your approval, are the entries we have received for “best place to have sex at the University.” Frankly, we’re disappointed. We really expected to get a few more lewd tales of in-class debauchery. Oh well, guess it’s back to watching scrambled cable porn for us Á
SEX ANDTHEU
From WholeLottaForeplay: Hey Net, what’s up? This is WHOLE LOTTA FOREPLAY just checking in from the North side of campus. I’m writing in response to GORDITA and his/her question about where the best place to have sex at the U is. I’ve tried several times to screw in Williams Arena Net: From the obstructed seats we hope with no success — although I am sure Gangelhoff scored with Haskins once or twice Net: We don’t even want to THINK what those children would look like. But we have a good idea (see figure ##1 — with apologies to Conan O’Brien) — so I have to give a vote for the best place to screw NEAR campus. That would be a place called The Zoo, which is located in the lovely community that is Dinkytown. For all you familiar with The Zoo, fantastic, nice job, good work. For all you looking for free admission to The Zoo, consider it a challenge. That is all Net … time to bounce out of this mix. See you at The Zoo! Net: Inside jokes are SO funny. Just like the “Fun Phone” and the “Happy Phone.”
From Maverikk: How’s it hanging Net? Net: Oddly enough, slightly to the right. We think that means rain This is in response to Gordita‘s question about the best place to have sex on the University of Minnesota campus. No problem. Center ice at Mariucci Arena would have to be the best place on this campus to have sex. Doing it out there would combine the two best things about this campus, hockey and sex. Since I was a little kid I’ve always wanted to step out on that ice and score. Now I can only hope to lay someone down on the ice (on a blanket of course Net: Wuss) and score. Take her easy Net, and if she’s easy … take her twice! Net: Yowsa!
From DirkDiggler: Hey net, I have a response to Gordita‘s entry yesterday. Basically the key to having sex on campus is finding a chick that’s willing, and a room with four walls and a lockable door. One nifty little spot I’ve found resides in the basement of Norris Hall. It is a little one-person handicapped restroom. From the outside, it always looks like there’s someone inside, upon going inside one will notice that the area is quite spacious. Net: And its got those ever-so-useful gripping handles! And, if your feeling like a little role-playing, maybe it has one of those baby-changing stations too If you can get past the fact that it is a bathroom, then it’s all good. So what do you say Net, should I meet you there before my history class, baby? Net: You could never handle the Net
From PAKman: I have a proposition for you, Netster. What say you advertise my apartment as being the most sex-worthy location on campus and provide my email address to all the querying lil’ nymphets? Net: No problem! We get 8-10 querying nymphet letters each day Á some with attachments! Ifyouknowhatwe’resayin’ In return I shall allow you to partake freely in any ensuing orgies at my crib. This proposal is of course contingent upon the fact that you are either a promiscuous or a very lesbianic chick. Net: We have no gender. Or, do we have all gender? In fact I’d almost prefer the latter! I hope you’re a hot lesbian chick Net. I love to watch you ‘work’ it (bad pun definitely intended). It’d be nice to watch you munch some carpet as opposed to the NUT-sucking you regularly display. Hell, I’ll even provide the whips, chains, black-tights, high-heels, fetish-collars, mulatto dildos, strap-ons … you name it, I got it; all the toys leftover from the whoring/pimping I did back in da day! Anyways, my warm comforter beckons me. I feel an urge to engage in my bedtime ritual thinkin’ sweet thoughts of you, dear Net 😉 Net: So cold *shudder* So very, very c-c-cold. We’re saving ourselves for RollerDiva, thanks.
From PeeWee the alumni guy: I find the best place to have sex is in the stalls of the basement bathrooms inside Wilson Library … Unless of course you meant having sex with another person, in which case I can’t answer the question.
E-BOOG
From IZNERZ: Hey network. I was surfin’ around E-bay and came upon an interesting item up for bids. “A Large, Slightly Bloody Booger” had two bids in and the present high bid is $1.25. I would like to see Network sponsor a contest to see who would spend the most for this slightly bloody booger. Net: Consider it done. Anybody who wins this auction and can prove it will receive big-time Network recognition and maybe even a photo in our hallowed columns (of the booger, of course) Maybe the winner could get his/her picture put in Network? BTW, I am in no way involved with the selling of this bodily secretion, the seller is from the land of George W. Thanks for the space.
CRAPINIONS
From SilverFuzzbox: Yo, Network, how goes it? I want to know where this NUTTER Matt Brophy gets off Net: Most likely in your mom’s bed talking down, not only about our kick-ass state of Minnesota, but also about the fact that the awe things that make our state what it is! It sounds like this arrogant bastard is just jealous because his home state of California is only famous for being an over rated NUT-hole, while Minnesota is known for things which are actually GOOD! Yeah, we have a state fair that’s arguably the best in the country! Yeah, we have an NUT-whomping football team! Yeah, we have some of the most gorgeous wilderness there is! It would be pure bullshit to ask someone NOT to be proud of a state like Minnesota. And the fact that the Twin Cities downtown area isn’t a nasty-ass pit of steel, smog and concrete covering the area of New Hampshire is a GOOD thing! I happen to think downtown Minneapolis and its skyline are beautiful, day and night. To conclude, Matt Brophy: Quit your cynical bitching Net: Prediction: This won’t happen and wake up to the fact that Minnesotans’ pride for Minnesota is what makes it so great. Thank you.
From WACKYlosingstuffPERSON: PLEASE HELP, for the LUVA GOD! I lost my green backpack somewhere near Scott Hall on Wed, Oct. 10th, and I need it VERY badly! I believe it misplaced in the greenspace area between Scott, Eddy, Elliot, and Burton halls in the area of 2-4pm on Wed. There is a highly substantial cash reward for its finding and return. Please call 651-636-9045 and leave a message or e-mail [email protected]. THANK YOU IF YOU CAN HELP!
