Net: ‘Tis a beautiful day for wanton perversion here on campus. Go ahead … play “hide and seek” with a post-pubescent stud. Share fruit salads with hot chicks. Harass cheeky cyclists. The world, as they say, is your aphrodisiacal shellfish.
From Bufeyfey: I went on vacation last week, making the long trek back to my hometown. Now it had been a long time since I’d seen my little hometown or the people in it. This is what brings me to my point. Net: Most letters we receive don’t strive for such lofty goals — point-making, that is. My best friend from high school had a little brother who was two years younger. Every time I would go to her house I would tease him. I would run downstairs, jump in his lap (he was always watching TV), pinch and kiss his cheeks and squeal, “Oh you’re so cute!!” (I know it sounds like the beginning to a bad porno, but bear with me.) Net: It all depends on which cheeks you were pinching and kissing. And what’s this about “bad” porn, anyway? Anyway, he would get so embarrassed and turn bright red that I would laugh my ass off. Well, I go to visit my friend and who do I see sitting downstairs watching TV Net: Lettus guess … umm … Ron Jeremy? — her brother. So I jump in his lap yelling “Oh, (insert name) Net: OK, how about Peter North? I missed you!” Imagine my surprise when I look up and there is a gorgeous MAN staring back at me. He laughs at me as I gulp and turn bright red. He looks down and smiles “you know I was bound to go through puberty — it happens. Don’t look so shocked.” Net: Actually, this is the part that sounds like the beginning of a really good porno. Well, long story short, this boy I had teased is now the object of my lust. My friend approved it Net: Ahh, to be a fly on the wall for that conversation. “Friend, may I shtonk your sibling?” “Why, of course, Bufeyfey, shtonk as you will!” and I put the moves on and I GOT SOME BOOTY! It was a lovely vacation … just for all you sickos out there with even more perverted minds than me — he was over 18. Net: So, you hop on your best friend’s little brother and we’re the sickos?
WITH A CHERRY ON TOP
From Tiggs: I was sitting around the other day trying to come up with a good way to beat the heat when an idea finally hit me. Net: We like to strip down to our skivvies and coat ourselves in Vaseline. It might not help with the heat thing, but that comfy gooey feeling sends our senses reeling. I could go inside and crank up the air conditioning, but that just seemed a little too easy. Besides, my bedroom is in the basement and cold air sinks, so the temp in my room can drop down into the mid-50s if the air is cranked too high. So for the next 7.4 seconds I racked my brain to come up with a more creative solution. “Why not go to the beach?” I asked myself. “Hey, sounds like a pretty good idea,” I answered back. Net: Life is always easier when the voices in your head agree. Besides, if I go pick up my girl, I get to spend the afternoon with an incredibly hot chick in a bikini. Net: Beats the hell out of freezing your ass off in a decrepit cellar of a bedroom. Sometimes. And if we can find a secluded area on the beach, who knows? Can’t beat that, right?
So after I smacked Net: All this talk of beating and smacking, we gotta say, is getting us a little riled up. myself a few times for answering my own questions out loud, I hopped in my ’69 Camaro and cruised on over to pick up my chick. OK, so its a ’93 Escort, but just go with me on this one. Net: Sounds like you’ve already got your “chick” along for the ride, and, well, we wouldn’t want to be a third nostril. Besides there may even be someone out there really impressed with a guy driving an economical sedan. Net: Yeah, like Ralph Nader. Back to the story … I arrive at my baby’s place, open the door and got thrown down on the couch and greeted with a very sloppy eight-minute kiss. She finally released me, but my head was still spinning. Net: Wow, that must be some chick. Or was it baby? I saw a bag by the door. I looked inside to find a bunch of strawberries, chocolate syrup and a can of Redi-Whip. For a moment I was a bit confused, Net: Considering you carry on conversations with yourself and are prone to self-abuse, this is not surprising. then she says she doesn’t really want to go to the beach. Hey, alright by me. So we hopped back into my Esco … err … Camaro and headed back to my place, cranked the thermostat down to 50 and enjoyed one hell of a fruit salad while trying to keep each other warm. The moral to this story? Always brush your teeth at least twice a day. Why is that the moral, you ask? Net: Actually, we didn’t ask. But thanks for asking. Why not? You wouldn’t want to go through life with a set of nasty teeth, would you? Net: We hear scurvy is highly underrated.

DAMN KIDS
From Kidd-O: OK, so this just proves how useless some Minneapolis pigs (read: cops) Net: Thanks for the heads-up. are:
It was an average afternoon this past week when I’d gone to Bon Appetit for a sandwich and a soda. Net: Suddenly we’re craving a gyro. Along comes this kid — not more than 10 years old — riding his bike on the sidewalk. Along comes the pig with his lights flashing and sirens blaring … I thought he was on his way to arrest a rapist or a wife-beater (one of the few things cops are good for). Net: Don’t forget nabbing cradle-robbers and Redi-Whip rapscallions! Instead, the cop pulls over the kid on the sidewalk, gives him a talking-to and proceeds to make a big ordeal about it by making the kid get off his bike and in the back of his car while the pig does a background check! Net: Placing baseball cards and tennis balls in the spokes is a serious safety hazard and should not be taken lightly.
What the f@##% kind of record is a 10-year-old kid gonna have? Net: The first blemish on our record came at the tender age of seven. We filched a box of Whipper-Snappers and got busted before we got out the door. Now in fairness, I will say that the University cops are a lot nicer than this S.O.B. They actually do their job 99 percent of the time, which I am starting to doubt is the case for the Minneapolis PD. If you are a decent cop, that’s cool, keep up the good work. Net: And God Bless America while you’re at it. But if you’re a creep that is so power hungry so as to bust a 10-year-old for biking on the sidewalk when there are no bike lanes on the street, then turn in your f@##%ing badge!