Net: Well, well, we…

Net: Well, well, well.
A connected campus we truly are. We were pleased to accept upwards of 60 entries to the first and only annual Internetastrophe contest. As far as we’re concerned, everything that was said about you Networkians at that meeting the other day was completely uncalled for. Illegitimati non carborundum, or something like that, and keep ’em coming. And for those of you who are late arrivals, send in a URL for the most fudd-up Web sites you can find to be entered into our little soirÇe. Entries are due by Thursday at 3 p.m.; winner(s?) will be announced in Monday’s Network.
From Jodi, a Strong Supporter of Farmhouse: I just want to say that the Men of Farmhouse are, by far, the most well-behaved, mature, sophisticated, athletic and good-looking fraternity or college men I have ever met. Net: The Noble Men of Delta House just might disagree. They know how to treat people with respect and not to judge a person by what they look like on the outside, but instead, they judge people by what they look like on the inside. Net: If any of you out there couldn’t quite follow what she just wrote, we refer you to “Everything I Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten,” by Joe Somethinerudder. Besides, people’s personalities, skills and work ethic are the most important characteristics employers will be looking for in the working world, which is what most of us are all trying to achieve some day once we graduate. Net: Then how do you explain the “glass ceiling” or, for that matter, the “good ol’ boys” club? Sorry, but we think you might want to book that flight home from Fantasyland.
Now, I have known these men for years, and my father was a Farmhouser, and they and the women who visit Farmhouse don’t appreciate the derogatory comments stated in a previous Daily (which I only heard about and have not seen), Net: We love people who speak out from a completely uninformed viewpoint. And thus, we love us. and I ask that you keep those comments to yourself and not write them in again. Net: That is, ignore that whole First Amendment thing, ’cause you might hurt some feelings. And lastly, I want to say, Farmhouse, you are the best!!!! Net: OK, we’ve got to address this. It has come to our limited attention the Farmhouse boys’ boxers are in a bind about the repeated references to them and their fraternity in recent episodes of Network. To this we must say, “Relax.” We mean you no harm. We are merely having some fun with stereotypes. Take a minute or two to laugh at yourselves. Everyone in Networkia must at some point face the unyielding scrutiny of a finicky populace. In short, Farmhouse, we love you. Don’t ever change.
From 48%Bitch: Net: And the other 52 percent, we assume, would be your gooey nougat center. Net, it is with a heavy heart that I send this entry. On Saturday night I was at my apartment, hanging out with a few friends and having a few drinks. Net: Translation: Raging kegger. Enter two strangers. I did not know these people, but they were friends of friends, and I, like the courteous hostess I am, offered them a drink and invited them in. Net: Stay tuned for Act II: “The Slipping of the Mickey.” Things appeared to be well and good, until later that evening (long after the strangers had departed) when I discovered that my fish was gone!!! What kind of a sick f&@k would steal a fish? Net: Umm … Matt Bullard? My beautiful little yellow fish, Flounder, has been fish-napped, and I’m left here helpless, with no one to turn to. The not knowing is eating away at me. Net: How do you think Flounder felt after being dropped into the Ol’ Mississip, only to run into an angry carp? Is Flounder alive, or has he met with foul play? If anyone in Networkia has any information that could aid in the solving of this heinous crime, I implore you, please write in! Net: We can see it now: “Send two ounces of fish flakes or your little fish will be swimming with the … oh, never mind.”
From Flip VB: Well, Net, I think I got myself into a jam. Net: We recommend marmalade. The consistency is just right. I finally found the girl of my dreams, but I pussed out, and I didn’t talk to her when I had the chance. Net: The solution to your plight is simple: Become a stalker. Anyway, here is the story: I got on the bus just like I always do Mondays, ready to go back to Territorial Hall, when all of the sudden, I saw her. She was the most beautiful girl I have seen at the University all year long. Net: Well, then, you apparently weren’t lounging about on Northrop Mall about a week ago. The temperature wasn’t all that was rising … She was everything I had ever dreamed of and the type of girl that helps Mr. Hand get his job done four times a day. Net: For heaven’s sake! Aren’t you chafing? She had beautiful blonde snarly hair about shoulder length, a lazy eye (so I’m not sure if she was really checking me out); she had the gorgeous zit mustache I have always dreamed of and her beard looked great. Net: Tell us she was wearing Spandex, and we might just take a ball point to the temple … Her fat rolls made me drool, and the idea of riding that fat cottage-cheese ass made Mr. Willy rise from the dead. Net, I plead of you, please find me this beauty, and award me the five free pizzas for my excellent taste in women. Net: We don’t want to see that kind of site, thankyouverymuch … Then I’ll take the lovely, snarly, lazy-eyed, zit-stached, bearded, fat ass on a date, and I’ll be able to afford the meal. Net: We thought Monica Lewinsky was on a strict diet these days. Oh yeah … I heard she hangs at the Net: [unprovoked reference to an aforementioned organization deleted in the interest of public safety] if that helps you any.
Net: Some housekeeping: Thanks to Jeff the Francophile for correcting our crappy French; we must shift the blame to To PeeWee, stop looking at us with that pink, slimy thing. You’re freaking us out. And to CurryGrrl, sorry, but we don’t do campus politics.
(On that note, if Al Gore decided to add Monica Lewinsky to the ticket, would their campaign buttons read BORE-WHORE 2000?)