IBy Marty Andrade ‘ve been around enough to know that humans are sexual beings. I know, this revelation was a shock to me too. I have also figured out that sex is a big part of people’s lives. Jeez, another shocker. However, in my travels to and fro across this campus of ours I have encountered people that add so much importance to sex that politics soon becomes encompassed in the sexual intellectual behemoth.

I was recently told by someone that war is merely a manifestation of testosterone, and that missiles are phallic symbols. For this person, war was symbolized by big men getting sweaty and beating up people to get a sexual rise.

Enough already. These sexual metaphor arguments can be used with anything. Abortion is about male colonialism of the female body, and men demand power. Violence is about penis size. Environmental problems are easily explained by the male’s need to destroy things in order to intimidate women. Foreign policy is also about penis size: President George W. Bush wasn’t confident about his endowment so he invaded Iraq. Guns are a phallic symbol, and campaign finance reform is… . OK, you have me on campaign finance reform.

Really, any doofus can make these arguments, and a lot of them do. For some odd reason, I always end up talking to these people. Shame on you, all of you. Are your political reasoning skills so low that you require the phallic symbol argument to make a point? Do you walk around complaining about skyscrapers being giant penis symbols and football being about men getting sweaty and patting each other on the ass? Well, actually, I agree on the football thing.

As it is, these Freudian complexes are just that: Freudian. Towers are tall because that’s the way to get a lot of usable space out of a plot of land. Missiles are shaped the way they are because that’s the only way they can fly! Guns are weapons, like knives, maces and tanks; the last time I looked at human anatomy I didn’t see anything shaped like a bow and arrow.

Take your sexual intellectual drivels to the coffee shop; maybe there you can find some feminized men and masculinized women who will nod their heads in agreement.

Modern psychology understands that while testosterone is part of the chemistry that makes up human beings, it is not the primary cognitive lubricant in men’s minds – beer is.

Marty Andrade is a psychology student and the president of Students for Family Values. He welcomes comments at [email protected]