From Four Shots and Seven Beers Ago: Whereas the frat boys have a manifesto, and whereas the Daily has its own manifesto Net: Both of which were oh-so-desired, we may add, therefore may it be resolved that the Minnesota Student Association also has a manifesto:
I am an MSA representative. I cannot pass binding legislation, and I pay many student leaders several hundred dollars per quarter to do this. My main purpose is to define and redefine and still redefine my own personal view of diversity and pass non-binding legislation about it.
Sometimes I represent a minority interest — most of the time it’s just my own. I propose solutions to remedy these issues. My non-binding legislation applies to the campus body as a whole.
Low voter turnout increases my chances of getting re-elected. I need to be a life-term student representative. I must be re-elected to continue to pass non-binding legislation or else MSA falls. My goal is to someday be an intern.
I pass non-binding legislation against raising tuition. I raise student services fees. I cannot control tuition. I can control student services fees if I cared.
Eating grapes from California will kill you. Net: You can tell this writer is an old-timer. When was the grape thing, 1995? California grapes have killed others in the past. MSA will not let California grapes kill University students. You must attend all meetings so we can test that you are not eating grapes from California.
I will not pledge allegiance. I will not observe one minute (motion to change to 30 seconds … passed) … 30 seconds (roll call) … 30 seconds of silence to honor the memory of a lost friend, or the sufferers of national tragedy.
I am not Homer Simpson. I am MSA. Net: All right. Let’s move on, shall we? So little space, so many stale topics to cover …

Net: As so often happens, our debate about the relative merits/demerits of certain colleges has morphed from one to another. With the spotlight shifted from CSOM, IT now takes center stage (and trust us, the propeller heads have always been uncomfortable there). Eventually, we’ll have to cut this off — but not until the punch-drunk pugilists have had their final blow. With that, we have …

From I+T = Cool: Hello Net! Net: Hi. (Notice the coolness of IT students.) Net: We’re positively chilled. We’re four procrastinating calc students who decided it was more worthwhile to write you than do calc. (You should feel privileged!) Net: If we were any more privileged we’d be the Bush brothers. We’re writing to express our disgust of Carlson’s fashion woes. (Like THEY have problems!) Have you ever walked through the physics building and noticed all the students curled up in fetal positions, rocking and moaning, “The flux, the flux will get us all?” Net: Actually, no. Granted, our buildings or our fashions aren’t as classy as Carlson’s, but they express the true nature of the IT nerd. Where else can you find students calculating the terminal velocity of a cat (26 meters per second), professors who fly during lecture or use black chalk to confuse us, or students who use the hammer loop on carpenter pants as calculator holsters and “duel” with others? Net: We’re trying to think. WE’VE GOT IT! The seventh circle of Dante’s Inferno. Are we right? Are we right?
And you Carlson types think YOU have a problem. Khaki Girl thinks SHE has a hard time socializing — try communicating with someone who can program better than they can speak, or only speaks in C++! Can you imagine what a party of just IT students would be like? Math nerds would be trying to calculate the frequency of the strobe light, chemists would be analyzing the makeup of the beverages and physics nerds would be calculating the coefficient of friction of the dance floor. Net: Sounds like a grand time to us. When ya throwin’ the bash? It would be downright SCARY!
But even though we’re social and fashion delinquents, we think IT has the most character of all the colleges.
We’re IT and DAAAAAAANG proud of it! Thanks for chewing the fat with us! Net: No problem. Just remember — we never swallow. We spit. Beware.


From The Horse Monkey of McDonalds: I would like to defend Mickey D’s. First I must say I am an accounting and philosophy double-major here at the University, and I also work at McDonalds. I know — McDonalds — but it pays the bills. Net: And, by entering the fast track to success at one of the world’s most prominent corporations, within two years you can be making 40 grand! At least that’s what the handout told us. Before you make any judgments, you first must try and do something that many people find hard to do.
Put yourself in our shoes. Net: Sorry. We don’t do K-Mart. Would you be in a good mood if you have a bunch of students coming in to your place of work drunk and just being plain, pardon my french, assholes? Net: Hey — you could be a TA and have the same experience, with only slightly less professional respect. Or people who try to scam you by bitching about the food? Or even worse, people who just leave their garbage on their table. I know everyone at least once in their life has been pissed off at work and then took it out on a customer.
Sorry about the bitchin’, but I just have to let it out. If you want good service, go someplace where a cheeseburger costs more than a dollar. Remember, this is McDonalds. Fast food. Cheap. So what if the employees are arguing? That’s just the way it is there — plus, time goes so slow otherwise. I am sorry if our service isn’t fast, or if we are in a bad mood, but just think about how much I am getting paid and what I am doing. Enough said. Be nice to McDonalds employees, for they are the ones who should be complaining about anything. Peace. Net: And there you have it. So next time you go in to the Golden Arches, smile at your service. And wish them a nice day. Just like we do to you. Toodle-loo!