MSA MADNESSNet: …


MSA MADNESS
Net: Our ongoing MSA debate continues, with these letters:

From Screech, The Pizza Club for Studs President: Well, the MSA elections are nearly upon us. And, as usual, the candidates are using bogus rhetoric to try to get elected.
All the other candidates are making promises to lower costs and increase services. Been there, done that, with no improvement. What makes them think they can change it now, when it has failed before?
Sorry, folks, but tuition is going to go up and services will continue to go down, regardless of who the MSA president is. Instead, Cartman and Kenny, the candidates from South Park, have decided to add an issue to their platform to take care of before they disband the MSA. It is an issue that the MSA can seriously influence, and it is important to all the Gopher hockey fans out there: Rejoin the student sections at Mariucci Arena.
As one of the many students who attends Gopher hockey games religiously, I can say that the split student section format of Mariucci Arena is a flop. While the PCS can appreciate having fans at both ends to insult the opposing goaltender (which is Cartman’s favorite pastime), splitting the student section also splits the school spirit.
It’s time for the MSA to take on a “kickass” issue that can actually punch through the bureaucracy that is the University. Vote (Eric) Cartman/Kenny (McCormick) on Wednesday and Thursday.

From Fright Night: Viva El Network! Let’s show the power of Network readers and elect an MSA Prez and VP who are actually University students, so they can be elected and accountable to us. Only registered students are eligible for office, meaning cartoons (Cartman/Kenny) can’t win. I have the perfect ticket. Miles Tarver for MSA President: This would give the philosopher-king the mandate to say whatever the hell he wants, and for once somebody might listen to the MSA president — at least for entertainment.
Miles is also perfect because students don’t have to pay him jack — we can’t, he’s a student-athlete. VP isn’t really important except for name recognition because Tarver will dominate the ticket, so I nominate Spicoli. Yeah, that’s right there’s actually a kid here at the U officially nicknamed in the on-line student directory after the Vans-wearin Stud from “Fast Times at Ridgemont High.” Net: And if you’re readin’ this, Spicoli, let us know if you’ll answer the call. So vote online @www.tc.umn.edu/~acec on April 29-30 for Tarver and Spicoli.

From Disgruntled Postal Worker: Has anyone noticed the license plates on MSA candidate Kevin Nicholson’s car? I happen to know that he drives around with plates that read “air4s1”. Does this cheesehead actually have that big an ego? Net: We print this with hesitation. Letters like this can turn an election. Then again, if we aren’t the king/queenmakers, someone much less intelligent than us will be. Does he think that we, the disgruntled masses, will elect him just because he is yet another juvenile political wannabe playing in the sandbox over at MSA? Net: No. We’ll elect him because he’s the juvenile political wannabe with a cool car. Get it straight.
First it was the damn Spice Girls (I am sure I don’t have to tell the esteemed Network how much they suck) Net: They are the Descartes of our time, then Titanic and Taco Bell, and now they put up posters with Pamela Anderson Lee on them. Do they really want us to picture them in the roles of Tommy and Pam? Net: Not until we have a chance to judge their video.
I think their signs are right. If we elect these two, there will an iceberg straight ahead. They can only lead us to more idiotic catastrophe.
However, lest y’all think me biased, I am most sure that Miller/Sanders are not much better. They seem to think that they can manipulate us all by evoking images of sex and beer. Net: Why not? MTV does. As if that is all that is important in our lives. Net: Your point is well-taken. They totally forgot about pot, as well as the ubiquitous woobies.
Why is it we are always stuck choosing between clowns at this time of year? Hey… maybe that’s not a bad idea. Cartman and Crusty for president! Net: Sure. Split the ticket, dilute the chances. We suspect this letter has been planted. Luckily, our political correspondent will be back to save us, just in time.

TO OUR LOYAL READERS
We know we promised another survey today, but our hearts just aren’t in it. Stay tuned. Now, on to our next topic.

STR8 OUTTA COMPTON
From The Voice of Gratefulness: This goes out to the one who drove their Volkswagen Jetta into the Comstock parking lot and blasted his system. Net: If blastin’ from a Jetta isn’t a case of compensation, we don’t know what is. You ain’t got nothin’. This ain’t high school, North Minneapolis or Compton. You had better thank El Nino and da Lord above for this weather.
I was just enjoying a Friday evenin’ wit my friends when you came in and drove your ride into our clean and quiet surroundings. Man, we know you already have a nice ride — just don’t rub it in our faces by causing an earthquake wit yo’ system! Net: Interesting attempt at dialect writing — have you ever thought of doing dialogue for neo-Nazi literature? Thank the Lord that you got the dough for sometin’ like dat, while many of us have to work 30 hours a week just to pay da rent or our education. Your friends ridin’ in da back also need their ears for their academic success as well. So unless you’re a D.J. giving away free tickets, turn the volume down on your car. Net: All right. Right back atcha. Word up, or whatever it is that all you hepcats say. Hasta la victoria siempre.