DOOMS-DATE, PART…

DOOMS-DATE, PART II

From Linear: Ohh Networkia, the fit has indeed hit the shan. We’ve been trying to be good, really we have, but this is too much. To be accused of rape by that little sissy downpage has Net’s pink cotton panties bunched and twisted. Net: It was an impulse buy from the latest Victoria’s Secret catalog. Dr. Weenie, you’ve bitten more than you can chew this time.
We in Networkia did not, in any way, insinuate that you are too sensitive, polite, impractical or boring. We SAID it. Your advice is generic, and we will even make the assertion that Dr. Date is completely out of touch with the University. Net: He’s way too wise to ever have gone to this second-rate school.
And as for our advice, when Network impersonated Dr. Date as a joke in a finals issue, if you read that column, it should have been clear what we were advocating. Net: Right-wing revolt? A man. A woman. (or another man, or two women, or any semblance of a living being. Net don’t discriminate) A bar. Net: Hopefully not one who dons a rodent in a pink miniskirt as their official spokesrodent. Some conversation. The horizontal hokey-pokey, then back in bed in time for “MASH.” Net: We think “I Spy” is much better afterglow television. The very fact that Dr. Date would call such behavior rape is a testament to your allegiance to all that is politically correct and crappy around this campus. That isn’t rape, it’s a Jimmy Buffet song. Net: Which is worse? And if you tell us to go read in public to impress girls one more time, we’re leading a Dr. Date boycott. Net: It’s sad that the only major political action on this campus revolves around the back page of this newspaper. Onward, Networkia!
From Kung Fu Joe: Howdy Net. I am writing for two reasons, the first is Dr. Date. Why did he, she, it go after you like that? Net: We’re thinking it’s either extreme jealousy or too much frustration due to the inability to achieve climax. Is the Doc mad because you always get to be on top? Net: Damn, we wish we thought of that one! Maybe once this summer the Doc should get to be on top, allowing the Doc to feel some dominance and power. If that doesn’t work you should just kick the Doc’s dumb ass off the back page. Net: Then who’ll be under us? Doonesbury?? Second, are there any helicopter pilots in Networkia that would be willing to fly a passenger on a one way trip to 14,000-15,500 feet? Net: If you’re thinking of jumping off something way up high, try our tuition rates.

LOLLIPOPS AND RAINBOWS

From Swordgun: I think it’s about time Network goes national. Despite my overall disdain toward computers and “networking” in general, NETWORK and friends, you’ve almost saved my life. Net: The word “almost” is key here. We don’t care enough to actually save it. It’s gonna take a lot of love to hurdle the cynical cyclone our world has launched itself into. Net: We can start by destroying the Carlson building. That’s a form of love. I could rant and rave infinitely about how we should all take a more “karmically correct” approach to life in the new millennium, but for Ganesh’s sake, I refuse to even recognize the wheel (again, unoriginal). Net: The wheel? Spin again! Maybe we can start by smiling more often as we walk down the street. Net: You’re damn lucky we’re even printing this hippie sh*t. And better yet, actually say “hello” to the troubled fool who usually stares at the ground when he/she/it passes you while wandering aimlessly from class to class to class but just this once looks up and makes eye contact. Net: We usually take that to mean they’re looking for a fight, and immediately punch them in the jaw. Simple things, people, make a difference. I know it’s hard to take the time out of our busy schedules to smile at someone you don’t know, or even someone we don’t necessarily like, but it works (most of the time. Some of the time you get your ass kicked) Net: Especially if you’re wearing a lot of tight leather. I’m a risk-taker. LOVE YA. Keep it up. Net: We are trying to hate you, but we just can’t.

A FOND FAREWELL

From PeeWee: Loved by a few, hated by most, but impossible to ignore: Net: This describes a number of things. Here are a few of them: Wisconsin. The Gateway center. N’SYNC. Bush and Gore. The Carlson school. Richard Simmons. It’s too damn bad that Yngwie is leavin’ us. I’m gonna miss being bored by his pointless diatribes and aimless ramblings. Ah well, our loss is Germany’s gain I guess. Net: Or vice-versa. Hopefully, with a little bit of pixie dust and luck, Net: That sounds like a night at the casino. he will find it so pleasant over there, amongst the bald-headed fascists and jack-booted thugs, that he won’t feel the need to come back at all, thus rendering Network free of his banal influence. Net: Right, now that job is yours. Adios you silly little twit.
And by the way, I agree that Dr. Date is boring, pointless, and an unnecessary burden on the back page (much like Yngwie). I propose that you replace him with something else, more witty, insightful and topical, like oh I don’t know … DOONESBURY perhaps!? Net: Nooooooo!! It’s impossible to understand any Doonesbury comic unless you’ve read it for the last 50 years. Kinda like Network, we guess.

SHAVE CRAZE

From gimpy: Dear Network, I decided only you could help me launch my newest crusade. Here’s the backround on the situation. I picked up this average looking male specimen on Friday. Normally, I would have never stooped so low, Net: You went to Sally’s??? but with the dominatrix out of town, what’s a girl to do? Net: Try a cold shower. So we started fooling around, he took off his shirt and I saw the most amazing thing, Net: A Ted Nugent tattoo? my young lad had shaven his armpits. Net: That sick man. I nearly climaxed at the sight of this. Net: Yikes. My question is why don’t all guys shave their pits? Net: Because it’s unnatural and itchy. Do you have any idea of how much sexier we would find you if we didn’t have to stare at your hairy pits that are congealed with dry sweat? Net: Beer and/or money usually makes men look sexy, not shaved armpits. It’s pretty nasty, ask any girl that has been up close and personal with the hair that is in there. So, I proposed a movement on this campus called “Shave the pits.” Net: Readers, Net does not support such behavior. We dream of a day where all pits, male and female, will be free of razor burn and hold the hair that was meant to be there!

—————————————————————————