Net: Friday is the …

Net: Friday is the last day of the official “King T is dead” celebration. Until then, live it up.
WHAT ABOUT BREADTH?
From Working TA: Dear Network, this is Working TA contacting you again after writing only once and more than a year ago. First off, in regard to being a newbie, if you only did it once, and don’t do it again for a year, are you a virgin again? Net: We’re not buyin’ the whole ‘born again virgin’ concept. Nice try, though. Now on to the issue at hand. As a male, my interest in wider or longer is only in how I satisfy any lady I happen to entice into bed. Net: Why — can you change? As far as men are concerned, we get off no matter how short or thin. Since I have no personal experience (from the receiving end), I would like to inject scientific fact into the debate. Net: Nice verb just then. I know this is fighting dirty, but someone has to do it in the absence of Dr. Date. The average vagina is 7.5 inches deep, and the average erect penis is 7.5 inches long. Net: AVERAGE?! What kind of inferiority complex are you trying to concoct, Working? Networkians, send in some measurements and we’ll come up with our own average. (God works in mysterious ways his wonders to perform.) So, as far as longer goes, once you touch bottom, what benefit could come from your pubic bone being farther away from the lady in question’s clitoris? Therefore, from a purely scientific point of view, the only source of potential benefit is from width. I would be interested in hearing the opinions of experienced women, preferably in person, over drinks perhaps. Net: Oh fer sheesh, man … you’re shameless.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
From Athletic Supporter: I’d like to shed some light and offer my opinion about the dress code at the University Recreation Center. As most of you Rec faithful know, T-shirts and shorts or pants are a requirement to enter the weight training facilities. Net: We’re getting tired of the clothing requirement … but not just at the Rec. Well, this rule is flat out stupid and unreasonable. My reasoning is this: First of all, it gets extremely hot in the facilities at times, and it would be a relief to wear something a little cooler. Secondly, when you’re lifting weights and whatnot, T-shirts, etc. can be very constricting while an individual is lifting. Net: Or attending class. Or walking down the street. Oh, the agony. Certain individuals say the Rec will become a “meat market” if tank tops, etc. are allowed in. That’s bu!!$##!t. If I see a female I find attractive in there, I’m going to talk to her whether she has a sports bra on or not. Besides, if people don’t want to get hit on, then just tell the person to leave you alone. My superiors — I work at the Rec — say it has to be a comfortable environment for everyone, including the elderly. Well, the facility isn’t a retirement home. Net: Yeah, but … the elderly in tank tops? Yikes … Also, name one major Twin Cities training facility that doesn’t allow tanks, tube tops, etc. in and I’ll give you five dollars. Net: OK … hmmm … how about the weekly Amway seminar? There you go — five bucks please. This bogus policy definitely needs to be dealt with. I look forward to some response on this issue.

Net: And now for something completely different, a poem for your perusal:

From What the Cat Dragged In:

There’re too many women who need their umbrellas,
So their fancy, white miniskirts won’t get all wet.
There’re too many ladies who think that it’s summer.
“If close to nothing you wear, a cold will you get.” saith Yoda

I’m sick of the women who wear thong bikinis.
Are two inches of fabric too much for your ass?
Where are the girls that don’t look so breakable?
Let’s see a good hardy Northern lass.

I’m tired of the girls that live on a pedestal,
Like porcelain statues that ain’t worth the price.
Where are the grunge queens with their Goodwill apparel,
Who can manage for weeks eating Ramen and rice?

I hope the Y2K virus disables
every last credit card and cellular phone.
Or maybe there’ll be some huge insurrection
In the slave labor sweatshops where GAP clothes are sewn.

What’s so attractive about long nails and lipstick?
It’s high time we outlawed all high heels and pearls.
I’ve seen one too many delicate wash women.
What this world needs is some mud lovin’ grrrrls.

I would like to thank the ditzy girl in the miniskirt and the monotone voice of my professor for making this poem possible.
SQUIRRELICIDE
From Darling Nicki: Many of the squirrel-haters out there will really enjoy my story, but for people like me, this was quite a tragedy. I really like the squirrels on campus. I even have a bag of peanuts to feed to them. Net: Someday, you’ll be known as the crazy squirrel lady. Sad for you. I was walking on campus last Thursday night in front of Applebee Hall. Then this squirrel jumped up on to the sidewalk off the street. I was very excited, because he was such a cute little creature. Then he was about 10 feet away from me and he rolled onto his back. It looked like he was scratching his back on the sidewalk and I thought to myself, “Oh, isn’t he cute.” Just then, he laid real still & breathed in & out really deeply & stopped. He DIED!!! Net: Playacting! He was trying to secure your sympathy! Don’t do it — it’s a trick! I was heartbroken; I had quite the emotional week, so this nearly sent me to tears. He was dead for sure because I walked by him with some friends two hours later and also the next morning, and he was still there. Net: Where the hell are the buzzards when you need them? I am wondering the cause of this sweet squirrel’s death, is there a squirrel-hater out there poisoning all the innocent squirrels on campus? Net: It’s OK, Darlingit was just his time … as it is ours.
Good morrow.