Halloween costumes prove a strange oracle

A nation’s fate depends on how many masks in the likeness of Bush and Kerry are sold.

Political polls have only caused confusion this election year. They have driven media coverage down a winding road to nowhere, losing credibility along the way.

So how do we find out who the next president of the United States will be? The answer will be on the faces of trick-or-treaters Sunday night: rubber Halloween masks.

Yes, the fate of our nation depends on how many masks in the likeness of President George W. Bush and Democratic presidential candidate Sen. John Kerry are sold before the election.

A New Berlin, Wis.,-based costume company has become well-known for its presidential polls, which are based on the mask sales of five manufacturers and 12 national stores. They are possibly the most accurate and important polls ever done.

The company has researched the number of masks sold before each presidential race since 1980. In each race, the candidate with the most masks sold has won.

Ronald Reagan out sold former President Jimmy Carter 60 percent to 40 percent in 1980 and bested Walter Mondale 68 percent to 32 percent in 1984. Former President Bill Clinton beat Bob Dole 56 percent to 40 percent in 1992, and Al Gore, despite capturing the popular vote, could only muster 43 percent of total mask sales to George W. Bush’s 57 percent in 2000.

You can’t argue with the poll’s surprising, hilarious and disturbing correctness. Trick-or-treaters with poor taste in costumes are deciding who runs this place. Not only are their costumes unoriginal, but they are apparently being worn to stump for the candidates.

We would think that if someone wanted to be a presidential candidate for Halloween, he or she would be the one he or she thought was scary, or the one he or she wanted to make fun of. That would mean that the candidate with the most mask sales would lose. But it seems guess that’s not the case.

If history repeats itself, Bush will be in office another four years. He leads Kerry in mask sales 54 percent to 46 percent.

Now that’s spooky.