Happy Friday, Networkians; we might remind y’all that the final quarter in the history of the University is as of today one-tenth over.
You think about that.
Onward, to some pretty incredible spring break stories. Take them for what they are: Networkian tales.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
From Kingpin: “Everyone is beautiful in the dark,” she whispered, as I tugged at the shirt she so sportingly wore. I started to smile at the thought of what a successful day I’d had until I heard the knocking at the front door. Net: Did that trigger the lights to come on? I didn’t wait for the unwanted visitors to announce themselves, as I grabbed my things and ran out the screen door at the back of the condo. I’m sure “Ginger” was still standing there in shock, when I heard the almost distant, “POLICE!!” and the boom of the battering ram, but I wasn’t about to waste the time to look over my shoulder. F@*## her! She was a moralless dust head and I couldn’t give a s!##% about her amphetamine freak friends. Granted — they were customers — with pockets filled with mommy and daddy’s money, but spring break is like summer camp for frat boys. Net: And frat boys are like winter break for Summer’s Eve, or something like that. My current worry was far more serious: the firm, yet gentle, bark of the K-9 unit. Good thing for me I saw my savior — a 6 foot chain link fence about 50 yards away. In what was definitely a new world record, I reached it, tossed my jeans and shoes to the other side and climbed over. I quickly dressed and kept moving. The only way pigs ever catch up to someone is if they stop to hide or rest, and my alcohol-fueled adrenaline wasn’t about to let me do either. As soon as I reached the string of endless cars along the strip, I realized I stuck out like a white boy in Harlem. I needed to find a shirt. Walking past a Jeep full of lovely co-eds whistling and howling, I shouted, “Let’s see something in return.” As a cute redhead in the passenger seat pulled up her shirt to flash me, I jumped on the running board and pulled it the rest of the way off. Net: Assault 5, at least. Hopping back onto the sidewalk, I donned the shirt, as the blushing red-head in the Jeep sped away. Net: For some reason, we’re picturing you in a pink, fuzzy, V-neck midriff thingy … Wearing the overly tight Gap advertisement Net: Never mind I was ready — ready to go find the narc that had ruined my fun.
BLACK MAGIC WOMAN
From Rabid_Dawg: Rabid_ is here to proclaim of the one fun day I had over spring break. It started off like most good nights do — with four beers followed by some rum with a splash of Coke for flavoring. Net: Which also sounds like the formula for a good morning. After consuming this mass of drinks, my comrades and I headed down to Dinkytown in search of someone — I mean something — to do. Upon entering the establishment of our choice, Net: Dinkytown Pets? I became spellbound by a black-haired beauty sitting near the door. Net: Ahh … that lovely chocolate lab. She was dressed in all black. And that smile. Her crooked teeth were the object of my stare the rest of the night. After staggering up to this fine woman, I asked her if she cared to come back with me to have some fun. Unfortunately, she declined, but did invite me to her place. After conferring with my friends (who, after seeing her, ran) I decided to go. I found that I had a nice hour-long drive to her place, but sitting in the back seat with a girl, the time can sure pass fast. Net: Although it does make it exceedingly difficult to drive. Upon arriving at her parents’ house, I met her mom. When other people began to arrive, we all went out to the barn where I drank beer and enjoyed her company. The night was fun, but every night has to come to an end, so at 7 a.m. we went inside and I got to see her three children as they were waking up. After she got them out of bed and into the care of her mother, she escorted me to her room. We rolled around in her bed for a while, and oh, those stretch marks were like none that I have ever seen before. Finally, I passed out while she got up and then slept on the floor. When I woke, her mother had prepared a nice breakfast for all. We ate and then I was given a ride back to campus. I cannot wait to see her again.
BOOKSTORE EXCESS
From ID ##169xxxx: I present to my fellow Gophs two observations from the eastern front.
So I stroll into Williamson B.S. last Tuesday ’round noonish. (Insert wiseass comment here ripping me because my pops couldn’t shell out for a tropical, drunken orgy.) Net: How about instead we rip you for not having a JOB. I’m surveying the damage for spring quarter and decided to make one purchase. So I’m checkin’ out. Look around and see that there’s 9 … no 10 … no 12(!) people working the check-out! Bein’ break an all, I didn’t see more than 12 customers in the store. What the hell? The next time you hear that line o’ bull about “high operating costs” as the rationale for high B.S. pricing, just strike that out and insert “piss-poor management.” In the meantime, buy from your friends, borrow from the library or go to the Dinkydome. Just don’t pay the B.S. Net: In other police news: For the past couple of weeks, I’ve noticed the University fuzz lurking at the intersection of Church and Washington. The apparently underworked staff has nothing better to do than issue tickets to all who dare pull onto Church (between Amundson and Ford halls) to drop something off. Maybe they could be dispatched to Jesse’s pie-defense unit. In the meantime, don’t pull in here unless you have 80 some bucks burning a hole in your pocket. On a final note, if any athletic types want straight A’s in mechanical engineering classes this quarter, Net: As if send in a message and we can deal.
