Net: In the spirit of the season, we dedicate today to lo-o-ove. Thanks for the Valentine messages, folks!

From Buzz: I figure you will get two kinds of Valentine’s Day letters. Most of them will be from bitter, lonely people bitching about how V-Day rubs their loneliness in their faces. Net: We have no time for such people. All aboard the love train, boys and girls! They will whine about how unfair it all is, how all the men/women here are bitches/bastards, and how they don’t ever want to see another candy heart in their lives. The second will be from people who love the big V. They will crow triumphantly about how wonderful their relationship is, how much they love their widdle snuggle bunnies, and how all those bitter, lonely folks should just get a life and shut up.
Well, I want to tell both groups to shut up. To those who love V-Day, keep it to yourself. In the immortal words of Tom Berrenger in “Major League,” “you don’t want to celebrate in front of guys who just died.” If you’re happy, good. No one cares. And to the whiners who hate V-Day, get a clue. Hating Valentine’s Day is like blaming the messenger: It’s easy and convenient, but it doesn’t solve the problem. If you are alone, you are alone because of you, not because of V-Day.
If you’re mad at V-Day because it reminds you of your loneliness, well, that’s your problem. Your problem is not that the day reminds you that you are alone, your problem is that you ARE alone. Don’t blame the messenger. Net: Yeah. It’s not our fault.
As for me, I’ll be spending another lovely V-Day snuggled close to my honey, my baby, my sweetie. Maybe this time I can even get lucky. How many beers does it take to get one’s right hand drunk? Net: We don’t know. But it takes at least three to hear your right hand clapping.

From Cygnus Saint: Now that St. V-Day is coming I was looking for a possible romantic date.
So I saw an opening in Northrop. It turns out that the squirrels were quite hungry and I had a Twinkie from last week in my pocket. At the same time, a leggy babe was just going by. Net: So you showed her your Twinkie, right? So I told myself, I could show her my tender, sensitive side by feeding those starved rodents.
Apparently, the furry critters were quite starved because once they saw my Twinkie, they began to crawl up my legs. Net: And all the time you wished it was her.
The babe saw this. So I smiled at her, and she said to me, “Wasn’t that disgusting?”
Uhh, I guess something didn’t work quite as expected. And squirrels don’t turn people on. Net: Although, like White House interns, they are known to gather nuts. Oh well. Good to hear from you again, Cygnus Saint. Keep in touch.

From The Girl Under the Covers: All right, enough with the dry subjects, people. Where do you think you are? The real world? The real reason we are in college is not to think about Iraq or Clinton or to develop any sort of social conscience.
I am going to help you do the thing we all look forward to when we leave the nest and come to the great University: finding that special someone and getting laid.
Ok, I know some of us can go to bars and just go home with someone, but, admit it, it’s so much better when we care and respect the person.
All right, with that said, here are some tips for you boys on how to get some pu-tang. (Of course there’s effort involved, you fools.) Net: Yeah — you know how much good beer costs nowadays?
First and foremost, only use these tips on a girl who is not a bitch or an arrogant man-eater, but one who is a soulful goddess. Net: And also, of course, a virgin.
1. Go up and talk to her for God’s sake: So what if there’s the possibility or rejection. It’s all 50/50, buddy. If she says no, then it’s her loss (unless, of course, you’re an ass).
2. If ya get the digits, ya better call: We won’t admit it, but we really really want you to call. We discuss it at length with our friends. Don’t believe the cool cucumber act. If we like the guy who got our digits, we play mind-numbing solitaire waiting for that phone to ring.
3. You better woo: chivalry has taken a little nap during these feminist times, but we ache for it. We want you to do the asking, we want you to open doors, and we want you to pick up the check (fear not, poor boy, we won’t expect this forever). Net: This is starting to sound like “The Rules.” Or is it just that women are from Venus?
4. You love our hair and our eyes and the nail polish we picked out: You better have some non-cliche compliments ready. Do you have any idea of the preparation girls go through for a date? No, you don’t. We’re talking outfit selection and consultation, research, interviews, hair styling and maintenance factors, makeup, apartment cleanliness, and shower prep. You still don’t have any idea.
5. Be yourself (unless, of course, you’re an ass): Girls want to be comfortable right off the bat and that’s a little hard when you’re trying to be false. We don’t need the mystery like you freaks do. So please, tell that endearing story about when you were four and played with GI Joe in the bathtub (no flatulence or excremental stories, please).
6. If you’re gonna introduce her to your friends, be nice. If you are not ready to treat her like you do when you are alone when you introduce her to your friends, then don’t do it.
7. Don’t kiss on the first date: This is the ultimate sign of respect. Believe me (if we like you) we want you to kiss us. We love the way your lips look, and we imagine what it would be like. DON’T DO IT. Patience, grasshopper.
8. Treat her like the goddess she is and it’s all good.
A public service message: sometimes boys are clueless and don’t read signs. Please read them and get off on them. Net: And perhaps we’ll get off on you. Good luck, genders all — and happy Valentine’s Day.