Net: Today’s Network episode (##237 — Ring of Fire) is dedicated to Tang, the crystallized breakfast drink. Why? We just didn’t think that it gets enough media airtime, what with all the elections, wars and sports events that ruthlessly hog our precious media airwaves. So today, while you’re dulling your mind with CNN, CNBC, C-SPAN, ESPN2 and CABC, please stop for a moment and think about Tang — breakfast, lunch and dinner of champions.
While we’re talking about Tang, we also would like to introduce our official Network cocktail (ask for one at your favorite campus bar!):
The “NETWORK”
Take tall glass, fill with ice.
Combine Surge with Tang crystals in glass (Experiment with amounts. It’s fun!)
Add water if necessary to dissolve all crystals (not recommended)
Add one shot of vodka if you’re into that whole alcohol thing (preferable Skyy or Stolichnaya)
Garnish with Sour Patch Kids.
Serves one. Enjoy!
LOVECONNECTION
From Princess Jonny P: Hello omnipotent Network! Upon reading LauraPalmer‘s recent network entry “Get Stung,” I was quite intrigued by her seeming interest in the Campus Connector driver, whom she so callously referred to as “Def Leopard.” Although I absolutely despise the communist propaganda known as the Daily Net: Actually, we’re Nazi (However, I worship the Network!!! Net: We find it useful to be looked upon as a god, just like the pharaohs. Helps us control y’all), I have decided to bite the bullet and submit my first Network entry. First, I want all of Networkia to know that I was condemned to live in Bailey Hall last year, my freshman year, Net: So you’re a sophomore? which led to my obsession with the 15 or so Campus Connector driving staff. Net: They are attractive, aren’t they? The following are observations which I have made last year regarding the Campus Connector drivers:
1. First of all, LauraPalmer, the leather-glove-wearing, John-Lennon-playing, long-hair-styling, fast-NUT-driving Campus Connector driver shall now be referred to as “Van Halen,” his popular pet name amongst us fellow Baileyans last year.
2. Has anyone else noticed the giant that drives, who also wears all leather, with the ’80s flattop hair, and thick black glasses? Net: Yes, that’s us Is it just me or does this obscure character mirror Buster Poindexter (One-hit wonder from the ’80s, performer of “Hot Hot Hot”)?
3. What in the hell is with the old-flannel-shirt-wearing, white-bearded fellow who drives the old school bus? What an absolute biznatch. Who in the hell does this guy think he is? My suggestion to you, faithful of Networkia, is when possible, ring the bell on the bus and NOT get off. Net: We bet he’ll stay at the stop forever, waiting Furthermore, for simplicity’s sake we will now refer to this fellow as the “Bus Nazi.”
I encourage all Campus Connector riders to spark an ongoing conversation about our beloved drivers. I would continue with my observations, but unfortunately the Network is only limited to a 6 X 9 inch spot on the second to last page. Net: *Sigh* You kids love your Duplex Thank you, and have a wonderful day.
ROCK & DROLL
From President Weasel: With all this discussion about bands that suck and rock, how about I fill you all in on bands that rock. Firstly, Pearl Jam is a band that rocks. Net: You are incorrect. Pearl Jam, in fact, does not play music well Creed happens to be a band that sucks. Net: Correct Radiohead, band that rocks. Net: Incorrect Just about everyone else, now see, Networkia, these people all suck. Net: Correct And, I have another person that everyone has in there class, the I AGREE WITH THAT GUY person. You know the ones:
THAT GUY: I just want to say that 2+2=4
IAWTG: Yeah, I agree with THAT GUY, 2+2 definitely equals 4.
Net: OLD NODDER: *nods*
EVERYONE IN CLASS: For the love of Jebus, I don’t want to hear you speak.
From Johnny Ringo: Hey, Net. I’m a freshman here at the U Net: So you’re a sophomore? and this is probably the first of many entries I’ll send you. I get the drift that kudos is the word of choice around here, Net: Oh yeah, Network is always a steaming pile of kudos so kudos to Felix Dacat on his flying object flattening. I have had similar thoughts about all those scooter people around here. Net: Hit them with your car. It’s fun! I loved playing football in high school Net: Are you one of those who still wears your high school letter jacket around campus? and every time one of those little pansy scooters cuts me off while walking through the mall, I have the strong urge to unload on them. Net: (Insert your own risquÇ comment here) Nothing too serious, just a good solid tackle or even one of those WWF style clotheslines. Ya know what I mean? It is just irritating! Why pay $80-$100 for a little hunk of junk that, unless the route to class is downhill both ways, is little better than walking. Net: Or Roller-Racing Then, when they almost run over innocent, smart walkers…it just really gets to me! Just one WHAM!! as an example and they’d be a little more cautious. There, that is my gripe. I hope there are some other ex-linebackers out there (or anyone else) who feels the same. Oh, and to Mephistofalafeles: what is the synonym for biotch? Net: Ho Net, keep on rockin’!
From SalGood: Hey Mephistickanappleupyerass, did you by chance go out and buy a thesaurus just prior to writing your letter to Net? If so, you did a horrendous (terrible, awful, not good) job of hiding said deed. Net: Did you find the receipt? “I’ve got an idea, I’ll write about how they should get a thesaurus … damn, now I better go get one too so I sound like I know about that of which I’m speaking.” What’s up with the grammar? I didn’t realize Net approved of such effort (note the semicolon usage for emphasis of sarcastic comment); Net: Ha! Brilliant! one usually would find rampant run-ons and misspellings. But it’s all good right? Net: It, indeed, is all good By the way, while the rest of us acquaint ourselves with our brand-new synonym books (what the hell is the plural of thesaurus?), how about you go acquaint yourself with about 6 servings of Ex-Lax. It would really loosen up that tightness you’ve been feeling.
Net: Have a quality Monday, and be sure to order a “Network” at your favorite bar.
