Dr. Date: Tonsil Hockey Pro; The Lone ranger; Mission to Madison

EMy girlfriend and I are very amorous. And by amorous, I mean horny. Seriously.

Anyways, we see each other in between classes. Often times we enjoy a good mid-day make-out session before our next class.

The problem is we are tired of making out in the janitor’s closet of Smith Hall. It’s just boring now. We need more excitement. We tried the Commuter Lounge in Coffman and it just didn’t work, what with the creepy homeless guy staring at us and all.

We want to try other locations on campus, but we can’t seem to come up with any thing that fits our needs.

-Tonsil Hockey Pro

Dear Tonsil Hockey Pro,

I hope you realize that not everybody on the University campus likes to witness your amorous public make-out sessions. You’re yearning for a top-10 list as much as you’re yearning to touch your lady in public.

Here you go.

Top 10 places to make out on campus

10) The dance floor of the Library ñ or H20 ñ or whatever the place is called. Weird.

9) The roof of Coffman Union. Go to the campus club, sip your scotch on the rocks, grab a cigar and head to the open air to make out in front of all the Regents. Talk about a “hike” in tuition.

8) Behind the Spartan at the Weisman Art Museum. The exposed bronze on that man is simply inspiring.

7) Trot over to the horse barns on the St. Paul campus. The hay is very forgiving for a wild romp.

6) Inside the air vent tubes at the mechanical engineering building. There are always strange clicking noises emanating from them, and I assume that’s what’s going on.

5) In the morgue on campus. Then you know that nobody will be watching you. Or at least they won’t tell anybody about it.

4) On the first level of Anderson Hall at 11:10 a.m. on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Join the other couple that loves to make out then.

3) You could do it in a frat house, but make sure you’re ready to pass your girlfriend around. Wear Saran Wrap so you don’t pick up any stray diseases. Plus, it’ll be kinkier that way.

2) Go into the broadcast studio in the basement of the journalism school. That way, you can tape it.


Dear Dr. Date,

Hi, I have recently met this wonderful girl. We’ll call her “Venus”. I work with Venus and know her pretty well. We talk a lot on the job and have fun together.

I took a double take on the first day I worked with her. I couldn’t believe my own eyes.

This girl was beautiful. In the time I’ve worked with her we have become friends.

I’ve never been so comfortable or attracted to a girl in my life. There are pretty girls that everyone thinks is hot, but this is different.

I would do anything to have a serious relationship with this girl. It would be my first relationship because there’s no point to date someone you don’t think you could see yourself in the future.

She has a boyfriend that she’s been with for more than a year. She talks about him sometimes, but not too often. Does the flirting that goes on between us mean anything? Should I be patient and see what happens? Is it worth the risk to tell her how I feel?

I’ll still be working with her and I would be crushed if things got weird after I told her. I really care about her, I don’t want to screw up. It’s hard working with her and not telling her how I feel.

I’m torn on what to do. I don’t want to make things in someone else’s relationship go sour. If she felt the same way I do, she would tell her boyfriend. What do I do? 

-The Lone ranger

Dear Lone ranger,

Guess what, buddy, everybody works with someone they’re crushing on.

In my two weeks of existence on the back page of the Daily, almost every day I have received letters about people who like someone they work with.

This girl has a boyfriend, and she will break up with him if she wants to go out with you. If you feel as if you need to confess your feelings anyway, don’t put any pressure on her to break up with him. She’ll resent you.

-Dr. Date

Dear Dr. Date,

I’m in a bit of a jam and I need your help. I have been in a relationship for a while now. Our fourth anniversary is the Saturday before Halloween. I have two roommates going to Madison for the annual drinking and debauchery celebration that is the 31st of October, and I desperately want to go. My girlfriend will freak if I ditch our anniversary for Halloween with the guys. What should I do?

 -Mission to Madison

Dear Mission to Madison,

Offer to take your girlfriend with you. If she says no, then say, “That’s unfortunate,” and go anyway. At least you invited her.

Just kidding. I hate to tell you, but it sounds as if you’re going to have to face the facts here and stay in Minneapolis. You could find a cool “double” Halloween costume for you and your girlfriend.

-Dr. Date