A University student is being treated at Fairview University Medical Center for eye trauma after he tried to gauge his eyes out.
The gauging occurred when the student, Chris “Hot Rod” Huntley realized he’d accidentally read a part of the “Centennial Series,” a feature that ran once a week in the Daily spring semester. The series focused on the history of the Daily and included useful hygiene tips from Daily reporters.
“I thought it was an ad,” a solemn and drugged Huntley said from his hospital room. “I mean, my god. My god. Why? There’s just no … meaning … Why do I have to read about a lettuce boycott in the 1970s?” (True! That actually ran in the Daily!)
Huntley realized the horrible, terrible error of his ways when he actually finished one of the articles and noticed a “writer tagline” — the contact information that appears at the end of every article.
What came next wasn’t pretty. Huntley stripped off his clothes at a University bus stop and began rubbing his skin to clean the imaginary dirt. He then made a mad dash — police estimate his time at 39.8 seconds — from the bus stop to the Mississippi River banks.
Huntley dove into the water, rolling, writhing in the frigid spring river. Upon realizing that the dirt would never come off, Huntley attempted to gauge his eyes out for a good 20 minutes.
Brother Jed, a mall preacher and used car salesman, kicked the woebegotten Huntley on his way to the liquor store, then proceeded to call paramedics.
Huntley was resting in stable condition at Fairview at press time.
“I just don’t understand,” he said, his voice simmering with anger. “Why would they do a thing like this to the student population? Does anybody really care about sports coverage in the 1900s? NO! Bastards. It’s lawsuit time.”
Erin Ghere, an associate editor at the Daily, claims (foolishly) that there was merit to running the trucks.
“All of my friends read it, especially the super hot ones that write into Network,” Ghere probably has never said. “How can there not be merit in tricking people into reading stuff about women’s suffrage?
“Not that that’s a topic we should have to trick people into reading. All my super hot friends want to read about women’s suffrage when they’re waiting to start class or riding the bus or going to the bathroom,” Ghere probably didn’t continue.
The University higher-up muckity-mucks are looking into the issue the way they always do: They’re ploddin’ along, scratchin’ their heads, making students take classes after they’ve fulfilled all their damn general requirements AND major requirements AND minor requirements. But will they let me graduate? NOOOO. They gotta have their extra $1,700 in tuition for next fall while I take 1000-level writing classes. It’s bullsh*t!
Huntley supporters formed a human chain around the Daily this morning to prevent workers from entering or exiting the building. The protesters stayed for 45 minutes, chanting, “Hell no, we won’t go,” and “Can somebody go get me a Banana Flip from the vending machine?”
It is unknown if Huntley will ever regain his vision, and unknown if the rest of the Daily will ever regain its sense of humor.

Joe Carlson welcomes comments at [email protected].