Are you annoyed? You should be — there are more than 6 billion humans in the world and plenty of them are really good at getting on others people’s nerves. But don’t worry, oh bugged ones, you’re not alone.
Take solace in the experiences of your fellow University goers who recently answered my prayers (and proddings) and wrote in about their problems. Using my magical, misanthropic powers, I will now attempt to help solve their dilemmas and make the world a better place in which to live. (But remember, if you get the crap kicked out of you by following my advice, I take no responsibility.)
Dear Miss Anthrope: When I’m swimming laps in the afternoons in the Cooke Hall pool, which is sketchy in and of itself, the same man performs the same disgusting ritual. Before diving in, he makes the hawking sound, circa junior high, that precedes the oral ejaculation of what is commonly referred to as a “loogie.” This sound can be heard from the far reaches of the pool; even under water. Needless to say, I’m rather squeamish about swimming amongst possible globs of phlegm. What do I do?
I think I’m going to gag — that is so disgusting. OK, here’s what you do. Next time, watch him do it, keep your eye on the loogie, take it out of the pool (you might want to get a Baggie or rubber gloves for this) then wait for him to get out of the water. Present him with the loogie and say, “I think this belongs to you.” He’ll get the picture.
Dear Miss Anthrope: There’s this guy in one of my classes, and he sits in the front row every day and argues with himself ad nauseam about issues that have little to do with the topic of the class (in fact, he seems to whine about his own personal maladies more than anything). No one else seems to be interested in what he has to say — I know I’m not. It seems like even our instructor is annoyed with him. What should I, or we as a class, do about the situation?
I feel your pain. I’m in a class with someone like that and am just amazed that he thinks we all want to hear the story of his life. Next time the guy in your class begins to babble, cross your arms in front of you, rock back and forth in your chair and moan at the top of your lungs, “For the love of God, nooooo! Stop talking! My brain, my brain!” If that doesn’t work, execute a citizen’s arrest (disturbing-the-peace charges) right then and there. I bet you’d be able to get everyone in the class to testify on your behalf in court.
Dear Miss Anthrope: Why do people insist on reading over my shoulder when I’m writing e-mails to other people? I think this is so rude!! Do they think I’m writing some juicy tidbits about them? How vain! This really pisses me off. What can I do?
Oh, my God! I hate that! I used to work with this jerk who would not only read my e-mail, he would make disparaging comments about what I was writing. My solution? Yelling, “Get your ugly self away from me and mind you own damn business!” (he had a lot of other annoying qualities that made this an easy thing to say). If that doesn’t suit you, I’ve got two words: pepper spray.
Dear Miss Anthrope: I know this guy who calls me all the time and when I get on the phone, he won’t let me get a word in edgewise. He’s a total motormouth! How can I get him to let me say two sentences?
OK, first of all, stop uttering those prompting phrases (mm-hmm, really? wow, yeah). Don’t be afraid of a little dead air. Second, just start talking. Yes, it’s rude to interrupt, but in this case, two wrongs will make a right. If that doesn’t work, buy one of those devices you attach to your phone and when you press the button, it makes the same click that you hear with call waiting. A great way to get off the phone in desperate times.
Dear Miss Anthrope: My new boyfriend recently invited me to his parents’ house. I’m a smoker and I respectfully went outside to blow my smoke (even though I froze my ass off). To my dismay, my boyfriend was ashamed of me and lied to his 10-year-old niece — who was also visiting — about what I was doing. I’m a smoker, not a pariah, damn it! What should I tell him?
Tell him to get a grip on reality. Smoking is legal and it’s everywhere. If he still doesn’t lay off, next time you go to his parents’ house, pull out a crack pipe and a propane lighter during dinner and ask if your smoking will bother anyone.
Dear Miss Anthrope: There is a guy who always runs into class late, sits behind me, then promptly falls asleep and begins to snore. Should I wake him?
Of course you should — the question is how. I vote for a robust undie snapping. But if you don’t feel like digging around in his pants (and I’m not saying you don’t) go for the old hand-in-a-glass-of-warm-water bit. Or just plug his nose — I do this to snoring Boyfriend all the time, just for kicks.
Well, gentle readers, that’s all we have time for today. But I know there are more tortured souls who need help. Do you know someone who constantly interrupts? Is your friend bugging you to get a nose job and you think she should just mind her own business? Share with me, people, share with me. This could be the beginning of a beautiful Q & A friendship.