From Brain of J: Dearest Network, Net: What’s up, kitten? has the summer heat raped you of your sharp tongue? Net: Whuzzh? Huge headlines adorning the front of the Daily declare Yudof’s raise, and you say nothing. Net: We said a LOT. Apparently, you weren’t within earshot of the bathroom stall that day. He’ll probably make more this year than the collective Daily staff. Net: With good cause. He covered the basketball scandal better than we did. The least you could have done was speak for us all about the contempt of the chubby little bald guy as he stared at us from the front page of the paper with the “I’m richer than you” grin. Net: We don’t ever read anything but Backtalk and those awesome ads we have in the Daily. As a result, we’ve been in 12 cocaine studies, sold our eggs for eighty grand a piece, been to Brother’s and signed up for that Introduction to Marxism class. PEOPLE, HE’S FROM TEXAS! I’m not sure what that means, but you can make something up. Please. Net: A president from Texas? We hope that people will learn from their mistakes and never, ever, have that happen again.
From Screech: Hey, Network gurus! It’s been a long time, but considering how much empty space you’ve had to allow in your column this summer, I thought I’d put in my two cents. Net: That’s mighty sweet of you. I’ve been around this campus for 14 years as a post-secondary student, an undergrad, a grad student and now as a staff member. Net: Finally, they’re paying YOU to come here. Are you stealing office supplies to make up for all the years of inflated tuition? And while I have partially figured out a good portion of this campus, there is still one thing that puzzles me: Net: Sally’s? Who is approving these new building names? Net: We wish it was us. This campus would be a lot more fun. Imagine taking classes in Hello Kitty Hall, Badtz-Maru Center, Keroppi Pala ce and Monkichi Building. Man, that would rock.
There is one I can understand, sort of. Renaming the Management and Economics Building to Heller Hall saves a lot in printing costs, while at the same time honoring a contributor to the University. Net: And making freshmen giggle each time they say “Heller.” If they want to do the same to the Science Classroom Building or the Classroom-Office Building or even the Social Sciences Tower, I’d be okay with that. But whose bright idea was it to name the new library on West Bank “Andersen Library” when “Anderson Hall” is right across the plaza? Net: This is Minnesota. Half of the buildings could be named Anderson. Consider yourself lucky. I realize the name honors a former governor of Minnesota, but this isn’t brain surgery. Another one I can’t figure out is the “McNamara Alumni Center-University of Minnesota Gateway”. I have only one comment about this: PICK ONE! Call it “McNamara Alumni Center” or call it the “Gateway Building” but don’t call it both! Net: You’re a staff member now. Throw your weight around and do something about this, for chrissakes. There is one more that confuses me a bit. Why was the St. Paul Central Library renamed? The name it had was ideal — it told you which campus it was on and where on that campus it was located. True, the name was a little sterile, but today, if you mention the Magrath Library to someone who doesn’t get over to the St. Paul campus much, they’re going to ask, “Where’s that?” Net: And then punch you in the nose. The old name said it all. Thanks, Net. Just promise me you won’t be changing the name of your column anytime soon. Net: Tune in on Wednesday as “Dr. Net” answers your questions about love and ponies!
From Dr. Gives: As I sit…and sip my tea…and realize that I am your favorite forward, Net: You or A.C. Green. I cannot help but wonder what would happen if I dare set foot in your beautiful state once again. Net: Two words: Riot police. Network (and I address you with the utmost respect), if you think you can read minds…you should see what’s going on in my head. Net: It better not be old “Crocodile Hunter” episodes again. You see, I am in the process of mastering the technique of psychic aikido. I may be a peace-lovin’, God-fearin’ fool, but as we speak, I am planting the seed for a better tomorrow. Net: You and Cargill both. Ralph N. and Jesse V … I’m on your side, but c’mon, lay off the high-tech stuff for awhile. I wanna see trees, not nanotechnologies. Net: Bumblebees, scraped knees and spelling bees! You guys get me in on the spin doctorin’, and we (at least temporarily) avert the singularity (or at least make it feel good). I love you … I fear you, but I know we can work together (we already are). Net: Can’t we all just get along? Viva R.K.!
From Kung Fu Joe: Ahoy, Net! I am writing this from the beautiful offices of a large local company to whom I have sold out. Net: Don’t feel bad. Everyone sells out when the almighty sports utility vehicle seems almost attainable. To maintain anonymity, I will call the company 3N. No one will ever figure out the real company name. Net: Brilliant. Now, I don’t have time to protest all of the injustices of the world. Instead, I get to live in a nice apartment and jump out of airplanes for fun. Net: Unfortunately, WITH a parachute. Boy, I sure do feel like a dumb ass. If only I could give up my job and have time to protest all that is not right in the world. Net: But having a plush life suddenly made you lose the will to care about others. It’s amazing what a little SUV can do. Hey, if I was an unemployed CLA student, I would have lots of time to make up reasons to protest. If only mommy and daddy could pay all of my bills. Net: They covered you throughout your years at Carlson. What more do you want? Oh well. Net: Is this sudden flood of corporate-ridden letters to Network a secret ploy to antagonize any sort of public demonstration? Or are these letter writers simply out-of-control cyborgs waiting for the day when they will rule the Earth like packs of vicious mechanical ants, hording civilians and forcing them into slave labor? Or has this, in a metaphoric sense, already happened? Are science-fiction writers truly soothsayers, to be worshipped by man and beast alike? You be the judge, dear Net reader.