Do you hear what I hear?

Something will always offend someone, but you can’t please everyone.

If I hear one more whiny group of secular fanatics throw another petulant hissy fit about “oppressive” Christmas trees, the true “connotations” of red and green or “tyrannical” Christmas songs, I’m going to start decking the halls with these nuts.

If liberals were half as upset about terrorists driving planes into buildings as they are about Christmas, we might have Abu Musab al-Zarqawi’s head tattooed to the Oval Office door. But liberals would rather have Rudolph’s.

I don’t get it. What about Christ’s birth makes the far left repulse like Maureen Dowd from a cogent argument?

Denver has decided to turn its annual Parade of Lights into a stag party. Fearful of inciting rage from S & M enthusiasts, the city announced it will feature Chinese lion dancers, “holy” gay and lesbian American Indians and a German folk dance group. Merry Christmas signs, a parade official said, are too controversial. Gay and lesbian shamans, apparently, represent ethnic diversity.

Several New Jersey schools have removed even the most remotely Christian songs from music concerts that coincide with Christmas and winter break. For Thanksgiving, a similarly idiotic New Jersey school decided to amputate the word “God” from a student’s poem when it was placed in the school’s hallway. On campus, social gatherings in December and the colors red and green are evidently terribly oppressive, even fascist, and to be frowned upon – at least per a Tuesday letter to the editor.

None of this should be a surprise, of course. The Boy Scouts have been kicked off military bases across the globe because the organization’s oath requires scouts to recognize some form of a “God.” Note to secularists: The Boy Scouts are pluralist when it comes to religion; they just make faith part of their mission. Christ, Allah, even Mother Nature is an acceptable deity. But no way, says the American Civil Liberties Union.

This seems to be the sagacious liberal philosophy on parenting: “There is no God, son; you’re all alone. Go, enjoy your young adolescent sex life; abortions are always on demand. Finally, sweetie, would you hold this “I love gay shamans” sign while I grab my chains and black leather?”

Liberals should be thankful conservatives are either gracious losers or totally apathetic. I suppose I can’t expect the left-winger to be upset about teachers not being allowed to cite the faith-filled Declaration of Independence when conservatives aren’t saying peep.

Christians haven’t intimidated school officials, physically threatened ideologically opposite friends or done anything else liberals tend to do when they don’t get their way. Even when pre-election polls looked to swing to Sen. John Kerry, D-Mass., Republicans refrained from ransacking Democrat campaign sites or slashing the tires of get-out-the-vote buses. But it’s the left, by the way, that’s nonviolent. (And we’ve always been at war with Eurasia.)

Our culture has imploded. In the last month, there has been more controversy surrounding Christmas – a celebration of unity and peace – than over Eminem’s new piece-of-trash album, “Encore.” Why is it the word “God” draws more hysterical over-reaction than hateful indoctrination aimed at children? From “Evil Deeds” on “Encore”: “Momma had a baby and its head popped off, head popped off, head Ö ” From “Puke:” “I hope you get to hell and Satan sticks a needle in your eye.”

Yeah, it makes me feel like caroling “Oh Come, All Ye Faithful” too.

In a public place or not, religion and spirituality should be sources of unification and common understanding. Citizens are entitled to equal justice and equal opportunity; they are not entitled to feeling welcome, cozy and included at every turn of our large Christian society.

Seeing the word “God” in public places doesn’t knock your teeth out or infringe on your right to a fair trial. Religion is a powerful reminder of moral obligation – something we should embrace in years of declining per capita philanthropy and Hollywood narcissism.

Something will always offend someone, but you can’t please everyone.

Darren Bernard welcomes coments at [email protected]