Net: Brevity is beautiful.
WE CAN’T BELIEVE
IT’S NOT WEEPEEPEE
From PeeWee, the non-stick, low-fat alternative: Hello and welcome, Newbies.
I understand the entries of late have been rather negative, and so here I am to deliver the Motha’lode of happy news: I am staying here! Net: Unabashed joy spreads across the land like the plague; smiles abound; myriad pleasures; wanton lust for life. For those of you who ain’t down with the Net over the summer, I had been preparing to transfer from this school in favor of the lush pastures (and lusher women) of North Carolina. Net: Their lushness is because of a steady intake of unfiltered, hand-rolled cigarettes. And moonshine — lots and lots of moonshine. As I packed my things, I sent a steady stream of vicious entries to the BackTalk section decrying and insulting this noble institution. Net: Rejected University slogan, once intended to replace that obnoxious “One of the glories of the state” crap: “Nobility is in the eye of the Regents.” I would like to apologize. Ya see, I didn’t realize it at first, but the successive deaths of Gene “The Thin One” Siskel and Owen “I’ll never be as cool as my brother The Hitman” Hart had caused me to spiral into a deep funk. Net: What’s so bad about that? It sounds like you’re living a Parliament song. This resulted in me bingeing on Dead Nazi shots and bong load after bong load of cheap railroad track schwag acquired from a homeless guy on Hennepin Ave. Net: You know that guy, too? Yeah, he’s good people. My diatribes over the summer were written in a drug-induced haze that only subsided for reruns of “NewsRadio” Net: We came across an episode of “Chicago Hope” the other day in which Jimmy James played a mildly retarded trumpeter. Typecasting is a bitch. and that one day a month when my friend Smithers‘ Penthouse subscription came in the mail. Net: We hear Nudie Magazine Day is now a recognized holiday in some parts of the Third World, by the way. Things started to turn around for the ol’ Peester when my bestest friend in the whole world, I shall dub her Artsy-Fartsy the Cheesehead, began, shall we say, getting to “know” the buddha. Net: Speaking of Penthouse … . I realized that she needed much tutoring in the ways of dugouts and Cheeto-bingeing, and I was the only one with sufficient credentials and lung capacity to do it.
This newfound sense of responsibility led me to begin a series of aromatherapies and intensive yoga sessions designed to restore me to my former glorious self. Net: Shirley MacLaine? Is that you? I have purged my body and cleansed my soul. So, now that I have received what the Dalai Lama refers to as “total consciousness” Net: So you got that going for you, which is nice. I realize that I should — nay, must — stay here to delight the fair readers of Network at the wonderful University (plus, watching Artsy giggle her way through yet ANOTHER viewing of “Strange Brew” is too entertaining for me to leave this place). So happy day! Rejoice ye plebians — I ain’t going anywhere! P.S. I would like to apologize for the negative ranting of my former roommate, Chuckle Nuts. He ain’t been right in the head since those Mormons got hold of him in that southern Utah wayside restroom: “You sure gots some purty teeth, Nancy boy!” Net: Apology accepted, and an apology granted (to Chuck) in return. Just remember: Greek lobbying is strictly prohibited in Networkia, lest you be flogged.

WHAT WOULD
MR. DRUMMOND DO?
From Scourge Hurley: Ahoy, Network! Your grace and keen wit have seen me through many a drab day. With your permission, I would like to pass along a few thoughts. Net: So long as that’s all you’re passin’, ifyouknowwhatwesayin’. How’s that for grace? We got yer keen wit right here, buddy!
Through my travails at this University, I have found myself in many situations that have made me feel like “the little guy.” Net: What does Herve Villechaize have to do with anything? There was my battle with registration. Net: Be gone, evil Fraserites! There is the seemingly endless parking struggles for Commuter Scourge. Net: What, you got a problem with paying more and more for less and less parking every year? Is this Scourge or Scrooge? And there is the labyrinth, created by the perpetual construction, that has forced me now to lug around a large ball of yarn. Net: We prefer bread crumbs — but only focaccia, the most sensual of weighty Italian breads.
It is true I can leave this place at any time; Net: Sucker. the thought recently crossed my mind. However, before the dream became reality, inspiration to stay came from the purest of sources. Yes, Network, it came from television — more specifically, 1980’s television — even more specifically, the ever-current “Diff’rent Strokes.” Net: We get most of our inspiration from Styx music. Oh, wait … we thought you said “constipation.”
In this particular episode, Arnold was having trouble at school with a bully referred to as “The Gooch.” Net: Which, we believe, was played by character actor extraordinaire … Herve Villechaize. He was justifiably scared of this character because “The Gooch” had been in the same grade for some time Net: You could tell by the wrinkles. And the advanced liver dysfunction. and, through the years, had earned the reputation of being a very tough customer.
Now Arnold did everything he could to avoid this monster, even to the point of pretending to be sick so he didn’t have to go to school and encounter the bully. Net: It worked for The Beaver. This would not work, though, because Arnold liked school and really wanted to make something of himself. He came to the conclusion that he would have to face the bully in order to achieve his goals, otherwise he would live in fear and regret forever. Net: Success is overrated, much like spending money on soap. So … Arnold faced The Gooch and found out that he wasn’t that bad at all. He was just a fat, angry white kid who liked to show off his power by beating down others.
This is when I realized that I was a whole lot like Arnold and the University was my Gooch. The fact that The Gooch was an enigma through most of the episode really helped me transpose his character to this University — a faceless, inhumane demon.
Now, I know this ran kind of long, but I hope it helps some of the “little guys” (and “little gals”) out there. Thank you very much, Network … for listening. Net: ‘Nuff … said.