JESSE, WE MIND
From The Dirty Snowball: Ventura is a jackass. His speech at Coffman yesterday was pathetic. I have never witnessed more inappropriate, nonsensical, and unfunny attempts at humor in my life. Net: How about this — Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? You should have by now; they’re making headlines!!! AAAAHH, HA HA HA HAAAAA! For example, when asked what he would do to fund the arts, he responded, ever so cleverly, with an out-of-place anecdote about how “Predator” director Joel Silver responded to a reporter’s question about the artistic quality of his film by saying “I don’t make art; I buy it.” (I believe he used this exact same anecdote this past fall on campus when he was asked the same question). Net: He ain’t got time to think of new material. The Body followed this feeble attempt to dodge the question with one of his dazzling contradictions: “I will support the arts, but I think the arts should be self-sufficient.” When things got tense a little later after a financial-aid question, Ventura, a comedic genius of unmatched wit, tried to ease things up with an out-of-the-blue comment about what he had learned from his wrestling days: “Win if you can, lose if you must, but always cheat.” Ha, ha, and what the hell does that have to do with anything?!!
And enough with the Reform Party bullshit. When is Ventura going to learn that we didn’t elect him for his stupid political ideas but rather because he’s a bit different from the average candidate. We just wanted to liven up the local political scene.
From Griswald: Let’s take a minute to reexamine the mass appeal of Jesse “The Mind” Ventura. Was it the novelty of voting for a former pro wrestler, or his ability to relate to the working man? I cringe at the thought that the latter won so many votes from this campus, Net: Actually, if you’d ever read the NEWS in this NEWSPAPER, you’d know that Skip won the campus vote handily; had he carried the rest of the state, your “entitlements” would still be securely in your future as most professional wrestlers-turned-actors-who drive Porsches don’t really know what it is to hold down a real job while attending college. I’m sorry, did I miss something? I’m confused because I am without a clue as to why so many students at this University voted for him. Net: Again … Many students here receive some form of assistance, and Jesse thinks that if we are smart enough to attend the University, we should be smart enough to be able to finance our educations without assistance from the federal government. Of all of you Ventura supporters here at the University, how many would honestly be able to pay for your education (without the help of mom and dad! You’re supposed to be “smart enough,” remember?) and finish in the average five years it takes without the help of a single loan, grant, scholarship, or work study? Coming from a man who appealed to the “Working Man,” he certainly is quick to put down the importance of equal opportunity education. Coming from a man who has no college degree, this certainly comes as no surprise.
ROAST FAT
From Turkish Delight to Fat-head: I was horrified by your archaic and oppressive comments in Wednesday’s Network, about how people should physically conform to some socially constructed, specific ideal contrived from fashion magazines and fat-free food commercials. It’s people like you, with your condemnation of everybody who doesn’t fit your little mold of physical perfection and fashion prowess, who incite people like me to violence. Net: Yes, violence — the most conspicuous indicator of tolerance and open-mindedness. I see you on the Campus Connector, glaring in disgust as I eat my bag of bagels from Bruegger’s, Net: Mmm … bagels saturated with yummy olive pimento cream cheese Net: Mmm … cream cheese and an occasional alfalfa sprout. Net: GROSS! Your disdain makes me want to shove my bag of yummy bagels down your gracefully muscled throat; I’d chortle as you wheezed and gagged, trying to breathe through the plastic bag day-old bagels come in. Well, Fathead, you’re out of luck. You can’t breathe through plastic! It’s not porous enough, like linen, which you can breathe through. And as for your gender-identity issues, all I have to say is this: Androgyny is so declasse. It went out with break dancing and banana clips. Celebrate your alleged femininity!
From Thin-Head to Fat-Head: First of all, I like people. I like Network, I even like Fat-Head. I am a person who enjoys long, city-glowlit walks along the Mississippi and restricted capitalism. I am a man and I am pretty sure you could tell, even if I were nude (more on this later).
I am writing about rights and responsibilities. Fat-Head is creating an imaginary right, namely that of the right to not have to look at ugly things. Net: God bless America. Now look away; we’re hideous!!! People do, however, have the right to dress however they want. With that right in our society comes the responsibility to dress. If I wanted to see naked people, I would go to a nudist camp or watch bad movies. I am sick of seeing naked people around campus. Net: We, on the other hand, are completely in favor of it. Onward, naked soldiers of academia; release yourselves! Be free!
So is then Fat-Head completely without rights? Nay, say I! Fat-Head has the right to laugh at the ugly (misdressed, unfashionable, abused, conforming non-conformists and so on). With this right, comes the responsibility to laugh at the really ugly people and make them confused and alone.
To recap, people have the right to dress stupid and the responsibility to dress, Fat-Head has the right to laugh at ugly people and the responsibility to have some standards.
