Net: As the first full week of school comes to a close — and here we sit, still waiting in line to register — we can’t help but think chaos is lurking around the corner.
First, we learn there are no tampon machines in the women’s restrooms (no word on whether said machines are in the men’s rooms). More on that later. And then we hear that something might be awry with the bookselling on campus. Stay tuned for that as well.
But as you might expect, Net always seeks out the silver lining, and here it is: Semesters allow us four extra weeks to do something school-related.
And that ain’t so bad.
ALF: ABOUT (TO) LOSE FUR?
Net: This person included his real name in his entry, which, as all faithful Networkians know, is strictly forbidden. Therefore, as punishment for Reckless Stupidity and Overt Idiocy, said scribe shall be forever known as Stinky Poopy Butt: Hey y’all at the Net!!! Net: Oh, and by the way, forgive him if his finger tends to linger on the exclamation point, period and caps lock keys a little longer than necessary.
It’s great to be back here at the University!!! The thing that I love about this school the most is not the great food or the wonderful roads or the quick and easy service at the bookstores. Net: Indeed, these are the simplest of pleasures. Much like wrapping ourselves in beef strips and cannonballing into a giant fondue pot. The thing that’s the best is … the ALF!!! Yeah, you guessed it, Net: We did? those crazy rabbit lovers who care more about lab rats than cancer patients! I love the posters that they shove in your face as you’re walking down the street (especially the one of the monkey that looks like he’s in “A Clockwork Orange” Net: So, do you think this Bullard chap has been “Singin’ in the Rain” all week? … he’s soooo cute!!!). And my favorite … ANOTHER NUT CLIMBING MOOS TOWER … HOORAY!!! Now, I know that the cops and the University dorm security Net: What the hell would dorm security have to do with anything? That’s like asking Martha Stewart to pour concrete. can’t coax him down, so I thought I’d give them a couple of ideas to help them negotiate with the human spider/activist. Promise him if he will come down the University will give him the following items:
1. Leather furniture.
2. A fur coat.
3. Alligator skin shoes.
4. A lucky rabbit’s foot.
5. The movie “Bambi” (but only the part where the mother is shot).
Net: And if those don’t work, try:
1. A SWAT team.
2. Some quality time with a few incendiary tear-gas canisters.
3. A visit with Marcel from “Friends.”
4. A free subscription to the Daily.
5. A magic number.
OK, if the preceding statement might have seemed a little, oh, I don’t know … sarcastic or bitter, it is because … well … I AM!!! C’MON, YOU NUTS!!! YOU HAVE ALL THIS ENERGY TO SAVE THE ANIMALS, BUT INSTEAD OF FINDING “ALTERNATIVE WAYS TO CONDUCT SCIENTIFIC EXPERIMENTS,” THEY TRASH VALUABLE CANCER AND ALZHEIMER’S DISEASE LABS SO THAT MORE ANIMALS AND PEOPLE DIE!!! Net: You gotta love ALF. We guess all experiments should be conducted on invalids, the homeless and/or the mentally challenged. God forbid we harm a monkey.
I’m sorry. I had to get that off my chest. I see that my 50 minutes are up, so I will now leave the Network psychiatrist office and wish you all out there a good day. God Bless. Net: Bless you, Poop, and may you now know why we changed your name.
BITCH LINE, PART DEUX
From Emmanuel Kant’s Ethical Nurse: To Smelly Feet and all other financially deprived Networkians:
I figured out the student loan/financial aid office if anyone cares. If you get a man or a woman’s voice on the recording, press redial about 50 times until you get the usual recording. Then after you are finished listening to the dreaded music for 29 1/2 minutes Net: Because half an hour would just be too much. After all, Smelly Feet‘s roommate would have hung up 19 1/2 minutes ago. “Mary” will answer and put you on hold for 10 more minutes because she did not have the answer to your question. When she finds someone that does know the answer to all of your financial problems, they cannot disclose it to you because of some big conspiracy in Frasier Hall. So don’t even bother to call. Net: There you go! Problem solved! My advice to you is to e-mail the generic address that everyone can find at the bottom of some form or another and a customer relations butthole Net: Good news! “Butthole, customer relations” was ranked No. 3,694 on the most recent “Cool Jobs” list conducted by Hoity-Toity magazine! Sign us up! will try to make you feel better through some lousy e-mail message. If you really want to feel better, go stand in line at the Office of Scholarships and Financial Aid. Net: Just be sure to wear exceptionally comfortable shoes. Oh, and take a high-powered sedative. Then you will talk to some kid that is around 12 years old and he will attempt to reassure you that the University is doing everything they can and your check will be in the mail on Monday. So long for now.
50 WAYS TO LOVE YOUR U
From Testicular Honkey: What the hell is up with these college rankings? The University, apparently, is not one of the 50 top universities in the nation. Net: Oh, gee. Give us our tuition back. We feel so cheated. But at least we’re one of the biggest! What is? Freakin’ Yesheva University. Net: Yesheva? Sounds like a Greek pastry. For the love of Danny Glover, Net: And really, who doesn’t love Danny Glover? His filmography might take up an entire roll of toilet paper. does this make any sense? Those spunkmonkeys at U.S. News must be so busy rooting for truffles Net: We believe it’s actually the spunkpigs who are responsible for truffle-rooting. up each other’s swampy asses Net: For swampy ass, we recommend a light dusting of baby powder. that they cannot compile an honest ranking.
I say Yudof starts screwing the powers that be so this institution can finally get some respect.
Net: Oh, and by the way. Packers suck.