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Serving the UMN community since 1900

The Minnesota Daily

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The Minnesota Daily

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By demonizing pleasure, we set ourselves up for unfulfilling sex lives.
Opinion: Let’s talk about sex
Published March 27, 2024

Break on through to the other side

You figure there is no way you will catch the speeding car, but you are angry and you want your ticket. And if you can’t have your ticket, you want your money — NOW.
There is only one rational thing to do: get behind the wheel of the Rodent truck and storm the building like a one-man commando team.
You climb in and turn the key. The truck springs to life, and you back up a few hundred feet. A running start will help take out that wall.
Then — CRASH!! You’re in! A few seconds pass. The truck has stopped amid the damage you have caused. You climb out of the wreck and into the rubble.
As the smoke and dust settle, you look around. To your surprise, you see enough coffins to fill a cemetery. And the lids are rising! The people that work for Rodent Towing aren’t just cold-hearted jerks, they are truly vampires! The undead are for real, and they work for Rodent Towing!
The workers surround you. You catch sight of their long fangs, ready to bite into your neck and suck your blood.
You try to think about the last vampire movie you saw … what did they do? You don’t have a crucifix around your neck, and you haven’t eaten garlic lately either. If only you had eaten pizza with garlic at lunch, instead of eating at Big 10, where they have the best subs on campus.
You look around for wooden stakes, but there are none to be found. The circle of vampires moves closer. You want to run, but there’s nowhere to go.
Fortunately, the pain is gone quickly. When you rise, you are a member of the undead — a soulless, evil entity that sleeps during the day, and swipes students’ cars at night.
THE END

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