Net: Boy, did we ev…

Net: Boy, did we ever miss you guys! Mostly because VIRTUALLY NOBODY SENT US MAIL OVER BREAK. Dah! Apparently, while all of you were enjoying your figgy pudding, lutefisk and wassail, you neglected to send us your funny and horrifying holiday stories. Hence, we will have to fill a few inches with incoherent babblings.
Item ##1: We did it! We outlived Dr. Date! Saints be praised! HOORAY! As you probably noticed, Dr. Date has been replaced with (drumroll) ABSOLUTLY NOTHING! We encourage all Networkians to spam the listed e-mail address with inane and useless ideas for a Dr. Date replacement, such as a column about cat health issues, an advice column dealing solely with food preparation or maybe a junior fun page like you see in the Sunday comics (We know how much you all like to do the Junior Jumble).
Item ##2: Over break, we interviewed everybody. Yes, everybody in the known universe. Our conclusion: WOMEN AND GIRLS SHOULD NEVER PLUCK THEIR EYEBROWS DOWN TO A THIN LINE, MUCH LESS DRAW THE BASTARDS ON WITH A BROWN PEN. Apparently they don’t realize that it looks HORRID AND UNNATURAL. Every male we interviewed said that it can make an otherwise attractive woman nasty looking. Why did this ever become popular? Why do you females think that it looks good? Why do you males still date these women? What comes next? Will women soon grind their noses off with a belt sander and draw them back on using makeup and paints? Will men be lopping their johnsons off and be replacing them with crude devices fashioned of Lincoln Logs and popsicle sticks? MAKE THE HURTING STOP.
Item ##3: We are also now graced with a new comic in the place of Duplex. This comic, “Last Semester” with apparently deal with the unlimited humor potential of trash management.
Item B: Did anybody read the finals issue?

From Captain Insane-o: I can’t stop thinking about a girl named Nellie. Net: Nellie Mo from Big Ten? No matter how hard I try … I just can’t shake this thing. Net: Scabies? I know it’s been almost four years, but I just can’t get ol’ Nellie out of my head. It would mean sooooo much to me if I could just talk to her. What am I supposed to do? Don’t get me wrong, Net: Too late, we already did this is an absolutely healthy obsession. Net: Just like our healthy obsessions with Cathy Rogers and Sting If you saw her you’d know what I mean. She’s the one. Yup … THE one. OK Network, I have a lil’ job for you. Net: Good lord! First day of classes and we’re already pimpin’ Find Nellie and somehow coerce her into giving me a call or getting a hold of me in some way shape or form. I NEED to talk to this girl. Really. I’m in an awful way without her. Net: See what we have to print when you naughty, naughty bastards don’t send fun letters?

From Nasty McShasty: Well, I hope everyone out there had as nice and anti-climactic winter break as I did. Net: Yeah, we didn’t climax either Á My brain is sore from staring at my walls, and there is some other body part of mine that is sore, from ahhhh, “other stuff” (I’ll tell ya when you’re older). Net: Racquetball? Probably the most exciting thing that happened to me was that I spotted a pubic hair in the bathroom of the BSBE building that had to be at least six inches long! Net: We’ll assume for now that it fell off their head I had to piss in the other can, because that NUTer probably had crabs the size of Texas livin’ on it. Seriously, that guy must have been watching too much Ted Koppel and wasn’t taking any tips from good ol’ Network last semester. Net: Like we always say, “People who watch Ted Koppel do not shave their secret naughty areas well” I’m gonna go out on a limb here and just say, “I bet that guy’s nest looks like a ZZ Top beard.” There, I said what I’m sure you all were thinking. Perverts. Net: Indeed Well, that’s it for now, I gotta get back to shaving my NUT into the bald, little Chapstick that it is. Net: Sure it’s not a Lip-Smacker? (bah-dump ching)

From Attack Squirrel: Ok Net, here’s the skinny … The campus is currently divided between two stinky derelicts Net: Minneapolis and St. Paul? (bah-dump ching) … Crazy-talks-to-Coffee-Cup-Guy on the West Bank and Grizzled-Lazy-Beggar-with-tattered-U of M-Sweater on the East Bank. My proposal is both simple and entertaining: Net: Just like us! Perfect Á These two vagrants will compete in a UFC-style battle on the mall, the winner receiving half of a cold meatball sub. The loser will be stripped of either their tattered sweater or coffee cup, and be banished to forever to panhandle at Mankato State. The winner will also be entered into the “U of M Derelict Challege,” in which they will fight to the death with Brother Jed this spring. Net: Why not make it a round robin and add Yudof, Goldy, Goldie, Network, the guitar guy from Dinkytown, and that crazy curly-blond-haired girl from Dinnaken We’ll finally find out which is more powerful … Subway food or religious fundamentalism … Net: Depends on which end each is coming out of I can’t wait. And to the Frat Boy with 7G’s to run for MSA president, I say this: Eat NUT and Die. Later.

From Notablond: Arrrrrrrhhhhh, almighty Network! Would you be so kind as to pass on this message to Goldy Gopher? Net: Sure, the Goldster and us are close Goldy, how dare you stand me up??!! Even Bucky the Brain-Dead Badger knows better than to break dates! Net: Unfortunately, those are generally with vagrants and prostitutes Let me refresh your memory … You told me in “goldy-speak” Net: He gave you a Daily Queen coupon? to meet you at Big Ten after the basketball game, and that you would be late because you had to shower first. Net: You mean he/she wasn’t going to wear the costume? How unexciting Á Well, the opportunity to appear in public with the most kick-ass mascot combined with the fact that I hadn’t had any dinner made it an offer I couldn’t refuse. So I went there, ordered my food, played some bingo, Net: Whee! ate my food, got pissed when the goofball behind the counter broke the bingo microphone, and sat there for two freakin’ hours waiting for you! I know you could’ve found me if you’d had the guts to show up. But it’s your loss … You might not have won at bingo, but that doesn’t mean you wouldn’t have gotten lucky. Net: Goldy, you dumb bastard Maybe next time you’ll be man (gopher?) enough not to bail. Net: Better to have loved and lost than never to have had intercourse with a gigantic furry mascot Á