Finals Week Procrastination

John Sand

Now, if you’re like A&E, you know that working hard can always wait until three hours before your exam rolls around or the deadline for the 31-pager on the history of pre-modern Inuit pop culture. Finals week provides hours upon hours of "free time," that offers limitless possibilities of procrastination. So much time, in fact, that you may be wondering how exactly to avoid focusing on the stressors hanging in your immediate future. Fret not, because I’ve got a Biochemistry exam in the morning and have chosen to take a bit to compile a list of unimportant things to take up the last few days of Fall ’08. Feel free to add your own suggestions!


  • Sell everything you own on eBay in an effort to downsize
  • Lose all of the money you’ve earned on an online poker game
  • Earn your place in the puckslut hall of fame
  • Adopt a spotted-belly newt
  • Plant an herb garden
  • Hide all of the toothpaste, soap and deodorant in the house
  • Write passive-aggressive post-its and leave them everywhere (the fridge, the mail slot, your professor’s office)
  • Dye your hair an unnatural color
  • Prematurely toss out all of the study-aids that have been cluttering your space
  • Whittle a chess set and challenge the Schwann’s man to a round
  • Steal glassware from the chemistry labs and use it to mix drinks
  • Start collecting different types of snowflakes in little plastic bags in your freezer
  • Learn a Wiccan spell for good luck
  • Sell-back your books, making sure to barter for an extra few bucks with the innocent workers at Coffman
  • Write in fan letters to all of your childhood role-models. Tommy, the former Green Power Ranger, is excited to see what you’ve been doing since you last professed your undying love.
  • Hide "secret admirer" love notes in the backpacks and purses of unsuspecting by standers
  • Hack into your friends’ Netflix accounts and put something like "Femalien" or "Pleasure Island" at the top of their queue; they’ll thank you later.
  • Begin a wine-tasting club (you can be the only member, if you’d like)
  • Make a list of ways to procrastinate during finals week
  • Purchase leather from the fabric store and add fringe to every article of clothing you couldn’t sell on ebay.
  • Relearn how to make those keychain-lizards from beads and try to sell them at a makeshift booth on campus
  • Learn every word to a Ludacris or Twista song
  • Stand on Coffman bridge and hand out flyers that say things like "I really enjoy a good pistachio," "remember to floss" or "if you find yourself with an unwanted hickey, ice it immediately and try wearing different turtlenecks for a few days."