Net: A summary of yesterday’s last letter: Network citizen Fox asked for advice on how to enjoy life. Today, the results of the accumulated wisdom of Network’s knowledge hits ya one time.
Doctor doctor, give us the news
For Fox from Doc: Fox, I think the Doc has the cure for what ails you. The first is to drink copious amounts of whiskey. Net: We seem to recall Fox saying something about no libations. But since we live on Hamm’s and St. Ides … As J. Nuggwalker wrote long ago, it tends to put things in perspective. Second, take up smoking. Cigarettes. Net: As opposed to what? If you already smoke, smoke more. Net: We’re still trying to figure out what Doc is talking about. What else would someone smoke? I recommend these things based on experience. Net: Salmon? I haven’t had a cigarette in nearly seven weeks, or a drop of whiskey in as many months. Net: Banana peels? Every day, I come home and ask my roommate George what I’m doing with my life. Net: Sausage? Ah, never mind. He never answers, being a monkey with the personality of oatmeal, Net: Dad? but from his empty stare, I can easily guess the answer: I’m wasting it away by not drinking whiskey in great quantity and smoking cigarettes like a chimney. Net: We’re pretty sure Richard Simmons doesn’t endorse this diet. Finally, shave your bikini line or rub yourself with lotion in a Rec Center shower. Net: Damn. Thought we’d go through the day without this shower argument cropping up. Serenity now. I can’t vouch for the effectiveness of this, never having been inside the Rec Center, nor trusted myself to place sharp objects near my genitals, Net: There’s a rule to live by: Never put sharp objects near your genitals. but judging from the plethora of commentaries on the subject in this hallowed rectangle we call Networkia, it could give you the attention you might be craving, for good or for ill. Finally, don’t get on any of the buses if the driver looks like he (or she) would just as soon kill you as drive you across campus. Net: That doesn’t narrow it down much. Follow these simple instructions, and I will give you an ironclad, no-money-back guarantee that your life will once again have the full body and meaning you’ve always wanted. Net: Sounds more like an advertisement for “Head and Shoulders.” Full body? Phhhpppttttt. Good day.
To Fox from Great Bason: Here’s some honest advice for you in your time of need, my friend. First, don’t ever EVER vote Republican. They stand for everything that is materialistic and status quo. Net: We thought that was the Democrats. We can’t tell the difference anymore. Everything’s so different now that Norm switched sides. Second, you can’t control the actions of 260 million Americans, but you’ll feel a helluva lot better if you know you did your part. Volunteer some time for a good cause or donate some money to a worthwhile charity. Net: Yeah, as if a college student has money. On the off-chance you do have money, please send cash (no checks) to The Minnesota Daily, care of: Julia “Queen o’ the Daily.” Lastly, and most importantly, there is a wealth of humor to be found in the fact that too many people on this crazy planet take themselves and their situations way too seriously. Net: Go to hell, Great Bason. We gotta study for a midterm. Gotta get a C. Gotta get a C. Find humor in everything from a knock-knock joke to an old lady falling on an icy sidewalk, because nothing is sacred, and laughing feels so much better than worrying.
Net: Were we not paying attention, or did Great Bason just suggest old ladies falling on ice is funny? We can just see it. “Call 911,” she screams as you laugh hysterically past her. That’s enough advice for the young Fox.
Spreadin’ the love
From a Female Billy Madison: Yo, Net: Yar. I know that Dr. Date’s mixer is coming up, and I had some comments to send out to Networkia before the sh!t goes down. Net: Look, Madison, if you want to swear, just swear. We’re prepubescent adults here. On the Washington Avenue Bridge, among the numerous painted squares, there’s a square that advertises something out of the ordinary. Actually, it is more like someONE out of the ordinary. This odd icon is an orange-haired, afro-ed white male with glasses. Net: We knew an afro-ed black male with glasses by the name of “Mo” once. He was a cool Mo fo. What makes him out of the ordinary is the caption displayed below the icon that reads, “Tom Mack, best lay on campus.” I just wanted to know if there was any truth to that. I looked him up in the school’s directory and saw that he actually exists, or at least someone with his name. If you are out there, Tom, I want a piece of you! Go to the mixer and give us girls something to talk about. Net: How do you know he’ll give girls something to talk about? Assumptions, assumptions. If Dr. Date is listening, maybe you can make Tom a celebrity, or maybe I can …
Another crabby Daily reader
From Abbie Someone: Editorial cartoonist Pete Wagner must have pictures of one of the chief brain wizards over at the Daily. Net: Nope, we’re clean. Why else would they keep that talentless hack on board? Net: ‘Cuz if he goes, the whole staff would have to go. Especially the management. If I’m starting a newspaper and I need a cartoonist, there are four qualities the applicant must have: 1. A sense of humor. 2. Artistic ability. 3. Knowledge of current events. 4. Personal hygiene that is above reproach. Net: There’s no one like that around the Daily. Wagner fails miserably on the first three, and although I have never met him, I’m sure he comes up way short on number four, also. Net: We can verify that. Or not. Closed circuit to Mr. Wagner: We know you don’t like future President George W. Bush; Net: Don’t forget former coke-head. the past seven of your cartoons have made that clear. It’s OK to move on to other issues.
Net: So there you have it, proof that Republicans do actually read the Daily. Not many work here. One tried once and he was quickly relegated to his proper place: lobbying for less fun things to do around campus. Down with Spring Jam! No more sports! Something’s coming back to us: Che Guevera … sempre … non contendre … oh, to hell with it. More tomorrow.
