Angry students bemoan their plights in group

Brian Close

Life isn’t always fun and games, mister. Sometimes it can be a real drag.
That’s the idea behind the creation of Students Angry and Down (SAD). The group’s leader hopes to organize students who just don’t feel quite up to speed.
“We want students to have a place where they can go to just feel bad about life,” said the group’s organizer and sole member, University junior Dan Maruska. “We will help amplify each other’s feelings of the worthlessness of not just our own lives, but the world in general,” he said.
At last count, more than 8,000 University students were occasionally “bitter” or “grumpy.” Junior Karl Roe said the numbers speak to the importance of the group.
“The group is really, really important,” he said with a strange grimace. “I think the numbers speak for that.”
But despite the group’s optimism about the prospects for their pessimism, some University activists filed a complaint with the University’s Board of Regents Friday, claiming the angry students will have a negative effect on campus life.
“They’re bringing the rest of us down,” said Shadia Atiyeh, a longtime campus activist. “I don’t understand why Maruska wants to organize a bunch of angry misfits.”
Maruska said the opposition just makes him angrier. Through clenched teeth he added, “I am really pissed off at that meddling Shadia.”
Maruska said he wanted to organize activities, but has not felt up to the task for the past several months. He will be on the Mall Thursday, wailing and griping to attract members.
Roe said he first encountered Maruska, who has long greasy hair and a large belly, when Maruska came to his grade school as a demotivational speaker.
“The scariest thing was this weird screeching he was doing,” he said. Roe added that he feels too good about life to join the renegade group.
Area bars are wooing Maruska, who they say could attract a whole new clientele of angry, bitter drunks. One short, fat restaurant owner who asked to remain anonymous for tax evasion reasons, said the group could start a revolution.
“Hey, who are we kidding?” he bellowed. Someone shouted him down after he said this. He was going to say something else, but who the hell knows what it was.
Officials from the National Institute of Pessimism said every campus should have a Dan Maruska.
“He’s a blessing for those who don’t feel blessed,” they said in a written statement. “We likey likey him.”
But even Maruska distanced himself from that statement, saying “I wish they would leave me to my misery.”
And as the sun sets on another day, Maruska can be heard weeping softly into the night, muttering, “I’m dooooooooomed.”