Net: Today, we beam with the pride of a thousand new fathers — the newbies have arrived. Networkians old and new alike, a revival is taking place before your eyes.
We’ve had so much mail from first-time writers in the past few days that we can’t possibly put it all into this space. Halleluja!
Don’t despair, first-timers … if you didn’t appear today, you simply went on back-order. We’ll get to you.
As for the vets, well … Psycho, Tiggs, The Mule and Yngwie (and you too, Roller — how we resisted this time we’ll never know) all chimed in with worthy pieces which shall appear presently. Dr. Morgan has left us and moved to the University of Arizona via southern Cal and Vegas. Godspeed, sister; we hope to hear from you soon. Ted C. Williams, we’ve resolved the issue, and are moving on, as you can see. And Obi — you can only play the newbie card once. You’re a vet now.
Just don’t be strangers, Networkians. Keep the fresh mail coming; we promise more cerebral titillation.
Onward. Letters.
THICKNESS MATTERS
From Bufeyfey: Let’s talk about movies. The best movie I’ve seen lately was “American Pie.” The sex scenes were hilarious! “Say my name, Bitch!” Net: Bufeyfey! HEY! Wait a minute … we’re nobody’s bitch! As for “Eyes Wide Shut” … snooze! I usually like Stanley Kubrick’s films, but perhaps it’s the burning hate I have for Nicole Kidman Net: She was naked or my utter lack of attraction to Tom Cruise, Net: Naked also but I was napping. Don’t get me wrong — there were a few scenes where my panties were a little wet, Net: Fideli-OH! but I could have got that from renting “Cruel Intentions” or “Wild Things.” Speaking of wet panties — I want to know what women (and men) think is the better quality in a penis … length or width? My friend and I had at least an hour discussion and we came (um, no pun intended) to our decision — width, gotta have the width. Net: How about shape? Upsies or downsies? Leftsies or rightsies? Roller should know.
LOOKS GOOD ON PAPER
From The Calster: I confess that I am not taking any classes this summer, and thus I am far from any hard-copy source of the Daily. I was recently complaining to a friend about how horrible it is to be deprived of my daily dose of Network — she gave me a odd look and asked me why the heck I didn’t read Network on the Web? Net: Duh?! Feeling grateful for the suggestion, I found Network on the Web as soon as I could. And what did I find? A mere shadow, a crude copy of the printed Network I had known and loved. Net: Sort of like Internet porn. Too cold and digital. The font isn’t the same, the format isn’t the same, color was added — the experience was most disappointing. Net: We have to agree with you there; there’s just something about vituperative wit and pointless piffle that shines only on newsprint. Surely there is an IT student or two out there who could come up with a more faithful computer reproduction of the pure, true Network. Net: Like the ones that came up with a more faithful reproduction of the registration system? We’ll keep it this way, thankyouverymuch.
NEW SPORT
From Tazmanian-Devil: It is summertime. Net: Thanks for the news flash, Wolf Blitzer. The leaves are on the trees, the heat is in the air and the women are wearing sports bras during their daily runs. It is to the latter of these that I propose a change. Why not wear regular bras? Net: Cross your heart — it’s a miracle! Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining. I enjoy the revealing sports bras as much as any other man, but they are so … restrictive of movement. Net: That’s sort of the purpose — When I see a woman run, I don’t mind seeing a little bounce. Net: That can’t be entirely comfortable — There is a reason men LOVE “Baywatch,” Net: Riveting, interwoven plots of delicate human drama? and that is a big part of it. Now I can just hear the complaints that this is sexist and the women are out there to get into shape and not on exhibition for all of us drooling male dogs. I will agree that you are out there to get into shape (and we are probably drooling male dogs), but a loose and unflattering T-shirt works just as well. Net: Especially in the rain … heh … a-HEM! So why would you be wearing a sports bra if not for exhibition? Every public figure has to give their audience a little of what they want to keep them happy. All I’m saying is if we are your audience, it would make us all soooo happy if you wore a bikini top or regular bra while running. This is just a humble request from an admiring fan.
SOCCER MUPPETS
From Phoenix Buddy: Guten Tag meine liebe Network! Net: Wie geht’s, unsere demÅtig Bediensteter! I’m writing in response to luvlygrrl‘s message about the Women’s World Cup. I’d like to happily inform her that I live with three other guys, and all of us were loyal fans of “America’s Team!” Net: Mmm … Mia Hamm … We faithfully watched every game — the ladies continually stomped on the competition! Even on my German Women! Net: Schade! (Which was definitely a hard decision on who to root for). I would also like to inform luvlygrrl that during American football games, there are advertisements for hair replacement products (so us guys have specific stuff geared toward us too.) Net: And cars. And beer. And women’s soccer players. On a totally unrelated topic, I’ve found THE movie of the summer!! Everyone should run out and watch “Muppets From Space!” It is the best movie I have seen in a long time! Net: Waahhht … was the last movie yo saw “Muppets Take Manhattan”? Who can resist Kermit, Gonzo, Fozzy, Piggy and the rest of the Henson bunch!? You even get to meet a really new cool muppet … Pepe!!! I recommend you all watch it! NOW!
Net: Thanks to the lovers, the dreamers, and you …
… and why ARE there so many songs about rainbows?
All this and more … in the morrow. Until then.