Net: In keeping wit…

Net: In keeping with the recent revolutionary spirit of this column, we start the day with …

A MANIFESTO

From Aaron Smith: Yes, I have seen the light and I am ready to join the revolution against those who create negativism about this University. Net: Those nattering nabobs of negativism. What are we gonna do? I will know longer tolerate these useless metaphors that say this institution is a “frozen shithole.” Net: There’s that phrase again. It’s almost as catchy as Hansen. Well, at one time, I thought I hated this place with more passion than even the Green Bay Packers. But then I was walking around the other day and realized this is a unique school which has major promise, and I smiled as I pondered — in how many universities can you see someone jump off the Washington Avenue Bridge and drown in the river only because it’s finals week? Net: At most campuses people stay in the dorms to off themselves — and if anyone out there is getting any ideas, call a counselor NOW. Don’t be dumb about this stuff. And how many universities have drag queen shows to sponsor a student political campaign? Net: Hell — Oberlin has a whole festival devoted to drag shows.
This is our calling, everyone. Join the revolution for Gopher pride, and stop calling this a “frozen shithole;” it is what we make of it. We need to become more of a community and decrease stubborn individualism. Have a conversation with someone you are snuggled up with on the campus connector, or have a debate while you are waiting in line to use that computer!
Can you feel it? That is the revolution to the sacred Gopher pride. Net: Che would be so proud. Come together, everyone. Then it will be a much better place for all of us. Net: And speaking of communists …
PLOTS TO UNDERMINE THE FREE WORLD
From The Coarsefisher: I think I’ve just discovered a communist plot that Russians have hatched to avenge the United States for encouraging them to jump wholeheartedly into free-market economics. Net: Ah-ha! GradSOC! I’m your usual impoverished student looking to make a dollar, so when I saw the flier “NASA funded study … $350 to $400 for seven to eight sessions … call 624-7698 for details,” I did.
Answering the phone, a pleasant Russian woman explained that NASA wants some data on how effective a particular type of space suit is at maintaining a person’s core temperature. Fair enough, I thought — if John Glenn can wear a suit, so can I. “We make the subject very hot and then very cold while they are wearing the suit and performing various activities such as sitting or running on a treadmill,” she said. Net: You know, similar things were done at Dachau — we’re not kidding. I started to imagine those crisp new $20 bills in my hand. Net: By the way, don’t you love ’em? Andrew and the White House both look great, and the type is bigger for all the baby boomers! “In order to measure the temperature we place a sensor on the surface skin and insert a probe into the rectum,” she said nonchalantly. Net: And your problem is … Isn’t it strange how you can lose interest in a project?
Turns out she had more than enough male subjects (there was a waiting list), but she is short of female subjects. Net: Experience hurts sometimes. NEXT!!!!!
MORE COMMUNISTS

From Josh Curlee to Stern About Unions: First, my understanding of communism is that there is no property in a communist society or, in other words, people share everything equally. To the best of my understanding, GradSOC is not asking the University of Minnesota to equally share its property with us.
Second, generalizing that unions are greedy is obviously lacking precision (severely, I might add). Asking for things like a contract that provides a wage comparable to the wage offered to graduate assistants by other top research universities and a semblance of security that the University will not suddenly change its mind and do things such as limit the tuition waiver hardly seems greedy to me.
Third, and most frequently misunderstood: While graduate assistants are college students, they are also employees. As employees we receive wages and, in this case, some benefits. However, nowhere are our wages, benefits or working conditions guaranteed. These things are subject to decisions made by the University administration. Recognized collective bargaining changes that, and ensures that the collective voice of the graduate assistants is sincerely listened to by the University administration.
TODAY’S SQUIRREL LETTER

From Simon Koch: I was seriously offended by a letter not-so-long-ago that appeared in Network that described a “demonic” white squirrel living on campus.
I have seen said albino squirrel twice near Anderson Hall Net: Ah-ha! The leader! GradSOC! and find it anything but satanic. Net: The devil can appear as the kindest angel, dear Hester Prynne. Yes, it has red eyes, but not because it’s possessed… it’s a lack of pigment. (Ask any bio major! Net: Hey — we’ve seen some bio majors with GREAT TANS) This animal is just as virtuous as any other rodent living at the U, and it’s time for this discrimination to stop! I waited to submit this letter expecting some kind of response from the squirrel population, or at least a report, or the writer of that misguided letter being taken to the infamous Northrop Mall Dungeon. With any luck, now matters will be set straight. Net: Well, we certainly hope so. And we certainly hope a day comes when we don’t get such a volume of squirrel letters that we don’t feel obligated to select a representative for EVERY Network. C’mon — we gotta keep the ball rollin’. Lord knows we’re having one. Later!